A year goes by in our story... Late one night, the Rosh Yeshiva gets a phone call and receives great news. Yerachmiel is engaged to a special girl from a wonderful family!
The Rosh Yeshiva continues telling the story...
I hung up the phone. My heart rejoiced over the fantastic news that I just heard. The tremendous change that had overcome Yerachmiel in the past year was noticeable from afar. The color had returned to his cheeks; zest and happiness - that for a long period of time had eluded him - had come back to him in full strength. His job as the manager of the Otzar Hasefarim did much good for him, it helped return his self-esteem and gave him fulfillment. He was in over his head, in both learning and public service.
I felt like my own son had gotten engaged. I was so excited that I didn't sleep a wink all night; I couldn't stop thinking of the long journey that Yerachmiel had taken together with me over the past year. Who would believe that I would merit to see him building a wonderful home in Klal Yisrael in holiness and sanctity! There is no greater happiness than that.
The next morning right after davening, Yerachmiel came over to me, his face beaming. I hugged him warmly and wished him Mazal Tov properly.
"I have an unusual request from the Rosh yeshiva", said Yerachmiel.
"What can I do for you, my dear Talmid?" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The Rosh yeshiva once told me that I can come to him about everything and anything, and that his door is always open for me. Now I want to perhaps take advantage of this special privilege. Because of the special connection that I have with the Rav, I wanted to ask if the Rosh Yeshiva himself would perhaps agree to guide me in preparing for marriage. I know that the Rosh yeshiva doesn't usually deal with this and that there is a designated Rav who usually prepares the grooms in Yeshiva, but I would feel a lot more comfortable asking the Rav personal questions that I could never bring up with anyone else"...
Of-course, I agreed to teach Yerachmiel. How could I not? We made up to meet in my office twice a week during the afternoon breaks.
For a few weeks, we discussed all the aspects of Shalom bayis and learned in depth all the relevant Halachos of family purity. With only two weeks left to the wedding, when I felt that Yerachmiel already knew the halchos of niddah well and understood the nature of a Jewish home properly, I told him that the time had come for him to ask me whatever was on his heart. The look on his face showed me that he had been waiting for this moment for a while.
"How can I know that all the many sexual experiences that I had in my past, won't affect my ability to remain true to my wife in the long term?" he asked.
"This is an excellent question", I answered, "but before I answer you directly, I would like to focus on the differences between those sexual experiences you had in the past, and between a lasting and meaningful relationship that you would like to build now. I want to apologize in advance if the questions I will ask you now should cause you a little discomfort, but I have a reason to ask these questions. Tell me Yerachmiel, do you know what your sexual partners of the past liked to eat?
"No", answered Yerachmiel, "why would I? We never spoke about such things, it didn't interest me".
"So maybe you know what made them happy? Or what made them sad? I'm almost certain you don't", I said, and Yerachmiel nodded in agreement. "So in actuality, the only common denominator you shared with them, was that each of you wanted the other's body, with no connection to personality, goals or uniqueness. Correct?"
"For sure", answered Yerachmiel.
"In other words, you created in your mind a very large constraint factor, kind of like a huge umbrella, under which most people could fit. And when you go in the street and see a pretty girl, she can definitely fit the constraints that you set in your mind for potential partners to fulfill your sexual desires".
Yerachmiel nodded in consent.
"Now", I continued, "let us think about the relationship that you are about to build, Be'ezrat Hashem. I am pretty sure that you already know what your future wife likes to eat, no?"
"Sure", answered Yerachmiel, "I even took her out this week to a Chinese restaurant".
"And did she share with you what makes her happy or sad and what her goals in life are?" I asked.
"Certainly", answered Yerachmiel, "we speak about everything openly, we don't hide secrets from each other".
"Great", I said. "In other words, you have connected with her as an individual, with all the unique ingredients of her personality. It is clear that what is common between you two is unique only to you two. So when you see another girl in the street, she has no connection to the intimate relationship that you have created with your bride".
"For sure, Rebbe, this is clear and obvious".
So let's progress onwards, and let me ask you another question...
To be continued...