Marriage in 825:

Once upon a time about 1400 years ago in the Iraqi town of Pumbedusa there was a little girl named Donag, she was a sweet little 3 year old just about learning how to read on her own {no school or teachers back then}, the majority of her day was spent by saying tehilim with her mother and siblings, or playing outside with the Iraqi dessert sand, she would never eat the supper her mother Rebetzin Brurya prepared instead she ask for a lollypop and some other nosh, at first her mother said {in Aramaic obviously} if you eat just 2 bites of the meat you can have 1 nosh, but our little Donag wouldn’t hear of it, and so the tantrum started, turning up the volume to max our little Donag was crying and wailing.

Suddenly Harav R’ Rafram {Donags father of course} walked into the house with a huge smile on his face, all cheered up he sits Brurya & Donag down on the floor nexto the table {made out of hard clay} and excitedly informs them that there is this amazing boy by the name of Huna who sits all day long in the yeshiva 3 rows behind Harav R’ Rafram, he learns all day and the majority of the night, and today he turned 13 it was his Bar Mitzvah, and so I right away took Kidushin from him for our dear Donag, Mazal Tov Donag you are now a Eishes Ish.

While Donag had practically no clue what that is supposed to mean so she went right back to crying and tantruming for the nosh, but Rebetzin Brurya wanted some more information about this sweet boy Huna so she started asking questions interrogating her husband it didn’t take to long until she found out that this Huna all though he’s an amazing young man but he’s an orphan from both his parents living In a local Bais Yesomim wearing torn cloths and tattered shoes, but that really didn’t matter at all so long as he’s a real chashuva Ben Torah, and so the went ahead and scheduled the chassunah date for 6 years when Huna will be 19 and Donag 9.

The years ran by rather quickly while Huna was shteiging away and Donag more or less stopped tantruming so often besides for the occasional flare ups, there was one incident in the beginning when the big Rosh Hayeshiva Rav found out about the shidduch and he disapproved of it saying לעולם אל יקדש בתו כשהיא קטנה עד שתגדיל ותאמר בפלוני אני רוצה but being that both R’ Rafram and Huna were talmudim from Shmuel they accepted his psak becauseשמא יקדמנו אחר,  and so the chassunah went along as planned.

The chassunah itself was one of the most joyful occasions in all of Pumbedusa, and so was the next seven days of sheva berachos where everyone was invited, then started day to day life for our dear 19 year old Huna, he would wake up in the morning quickly get dressed then help his dear Donag button down her shirt, then he would quickly put together some food for breakfast for himself and Donag, then he would sit down with her and teach her some chummash he would explain it in a way that little 9 year old Donag should be able to understand it, only afterwards would he run out to yeshiva and learn till 6:00pm.

When he’d come home, he would open the letter that his mother in-law sent daily in the mail with detailed recipes for supper and he would make it himself and serve it to himself and his wife Donag, after supper he would clean her up, bathe her, do her homework with her and sing her to sleep.

Huna loved his wife and would make sure to let her know it, while little Donag was still too young to understand the concept of the five love languages, Huna quickly figured out which one of the five love languages his wife relates to and he would do everything in the world to fulfill it, sometimes when he’d come home he’d find his wife playing outside with a few her friends {at this age they were already playing hide n’ go seek} so he would just wait patiently and understandably until they were finished to start the night, he never felt left out or as his wife doesn’t care about him because he understood that she’s doing exactly what a 9 year old little girl should be doing.

As there were no chassan classes back then Huna learnt on his own from the gemaras how to have s*x in a loving fashion, and he had to explain the idea to his wife on his own, but being that she was so young when they got married, she more or less grew up having s*x, it was a fundamental part of life and she loved it, she loved being intimate and spending time with her husband and never once did she feel that her husband is just using her, etc.

Marriage in 2025:

23 year old chaim marries 21 year old Malky who knows how to cook and bake on her own, she knows how to care for a house laundry shopping and children etc. she doesn’t need any pampering anymore she has her friends and full social life set up already for the past 8 years she knows exactly what she does or doesn’t want, what she does or doesn’t like, what she does or doesn’t appreciate, she has her own phone since 7 years ago, and her friend from school {which there’s a very wide range of nowadays, from all types and backgrounds} whose father had an unfiltered smart phone and she learnt on her own what s*x is all about nicely educated Malky when she was just 8 years old exactly what it’s all about.

Although Chaim has learnt about the five love languages, it’s still too hard for him to figure out which one his dear wife relates to because she herself doesn’t really know, there is such easy access to anything and everything that nothing and everything talks to her, what Chaim should clean the dishes? The cleaning lady is here for that, he should buy her a diamond ring? Social media apps will prove that it’s a lab grown diamond even though he spent $7000 for it, etc.

And so Chaim comes home during shana rishonah and tells his wife “I love you” he buys her presents, he hugs and kisses her he tries to sit nexto her on the couch as often as he can, trying desperately to figure out how to break the ice between them…

But little does he know, Malky is sitting there and thinking to herself, I’m sooo excited with this diamond ring he bought me, but it’s just a nice present, it doesn’t define “love”, he has yet to prove to me that he really loves me, he’s just saying so and hugging and kissing me because he wants me to get undressed for him, he wants to use me, etc…

So the next night instead of sitting on the couch she just calls her friend and schmoozes with her for 2 hours and twenty six minutes… all while Chaim is sitting there with a big and encouraging smile on his face but anger bubbling deep inside him, finally she hangs up and makes a huge yawn as if to say sorry dear no s*x tonight I’m just waaayyyy tooooo tired, now Chaim feels rejected and let down…

Now this is not to say that this how it’ll stay forever, obviously a wise man would give her the space and time she needs to fully adjust to married life, the space and time it’ll take him to really figure out which one of the five love languages his wife really relates to and once he has it figured out and puts it into action, she’ll start really feeling “loved” not befriended for s*x, just “loved” then obviously there’ll be changes big changes coming from her side as well, she’ll suddenly care to try and figure out what love language her husband relates to, it’ll cease to be a friendship for s*x, instead it’ll become a real intimate couple life relationship.

But the point is that nowadays things are different very different, and true love takes time and in many cases a lot of time, we try, we fail, until we learn, then we see changes.

Inspired by talking with many people who feel / felt rejected by wifes actions...