captain wrote on 03 Apr 2025 13:31:

Hi,

Where can I get the audiobook. can u pls provide link?

Tnx!

shmuel613 wrote on 03 Apr 2025 13:54:

Your matzav resonates with me as I am a bachur that was in your situation. I was helped by the mentors and Materials on Gye, but continued to fall. Then a bachur reached out to me offering to be a kesher for regular contact. That helped immensely. 
Feel free to pm me or reach out via the contact info below. With proper support you can get out of this. 

Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
There are many tools here to help you in this fight. 
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program (click here for an explanation of what the vaad is), and the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframin' the struggle, as you mentioned.
Posting is a great way to connect, learn, and grow also. 
(The Hall of Fame Thread is a great compilation of some the great threads on GYE.)

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com amevakesh - amevakesh23@gmail.com

Keep postin', you'll see, the oilam is here for you.

Lookin' forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

15 Days clean!

Special shoutout to @livingagain for all your encouragement thus far!

The journey continues, onward is upward! (Thanks @BenHashemBH!)

Day 23

Books are limited as a relaxation tool partially because they are a time sink and partially because my kids' library books are meh.

I know someone posted something from Dov where he hit someone over the head with getting high on God, but really I find that if I'm deep in a sugya it really lifts my mood and calms me down.

The problem is that I'm a bit of a slow cooker. I do Daf Hashavua and often it can take me till Wednesday or Thursday to know the daf well enough and deep enough to start really getting a geshmak (and not all weeks do I even achieve it). I tried to move up when I start this week's daf to Friday night instead of Sunday morning which helps a bit but still...I used to try to allocate my Sunday morning's but have belatedly come to the recognition that my homefront responsibilities take precedence...better than nothing I guess.

As an aside have you noticed that no one makes it above Gold Boarder even though there seems to be a slot for a higher rank? What gives?! These things keep me up at night 

If I may suggest, I think this is the yetzer hara talking trying to get you in a mindset of יאוש.
your not such a bad guy, just a biologically healthy male in a sexually unhinged society.
Besides, God has a lot of capital to invest, don’t worry about him

as far as strategies go, do you have filtering and accountability software like webchaver on your devices? Since you are in yeshiva, do you need a smart phone? Maybe you can get away with the flip phone that is kosher

harzlacha! (And shkoyach for tackling this before you get married )

@choosemyshem thanks for the support(liked the hammer mashal btw)  
i still cant imagine im normal tbh it just doesnt make sense and i cant imagine how i couuld ever do teshuvah

the steps seem like great advice, do you know where i can get a mentor?
I thought about asking one of my friends to check in on me etc but the idea was way to embarrassing - probably better if it is someone i dont know

Muttel wrote on 03 Apr 2025 12:50:

Mmmm gimme some of that fine kumaz. Yes. It is possible for me to cut off access to porn. I would only have to blind myself (and I suppose deafen myself to avoid that sweet, sweet audio porn.) Cutting off my hands would probably also work since it would make it impossible to use a device, though I'm pretty confident I'd find a way.

My work computer is heavily filtered with Gentech. It's not being much help these days. 

shmuel613 wrote on 03 Apr 2025 09:57:

Welcome!

You should take a picture of this post. Frame it. And hang it on your wall. That'll be the "before" picture. The "after" picture is gonna knock your socks off. 

This post resonated hard. You perfectly described my feelings as a bochur (and as a married guy too.) It's like, "Well, I think I like Hashem and am committed to a Torah life. But then why do I keep on doing this horrible, disgusting aveirah that's mamash like murder and avodah zarah at the same time? It feels like I have no control and no way to stop. That must mean that I'm either 1) retarded, 2) some sort of filthy mushchis, or 3) a kofer and I just haven't realized it yet and my teshuva is the worst type of vidui peh." And then since I knew deep down none of those options were true but I still couldn't stop I just kinda gave up and assumed the struggle was hopeless (and therefore I was as well by association.) I also felt like I was the only person in the world struggling like this even though I knew logically other people must also be.

It's a really lousy way to feel.
Ready for a couple chiddushim? 1) You're normal. 2) You're a good guy. 3) Your struggle is actually something pretty impressive. 4) You've been trying to fix a broken wall with some nails and your forehead instead of a hammer. But now, IT'S HAMMER TIME.

"Teshuva" per se is not a great refuah for someone who struggles seriously with this. What is a great refuah are things like honesty, connection, accountability, positivity, etc. 

I strongly recommend these four steps.
1) Connect to a mentor for chizzuk and daily accountability (I'm sure someone will come along a pop a list of emails in here soon).
2) Commit to filtering up the devices you have easy access to. Even if it's embarrassing or tough. Commit. I would also include learning how to distract yourself from fantasy in this as a "filter" for your mind.
3) Start reading the Battle of the Generation (link in my signature) and learn to reframe your normal and healthy urges as a chance to bring nachas and closeness to Hashem.
4) Get pumped! You've taken the hardest step. You've reached out for help. Forgive yourself for the past, and commit for the future. You got this.

shmuel613 wrote on 03 Apr 2025 09:57:

It seems like the yetzer hara is trying to destroy you with guilt. Please read Appendix A in the back of The Battle of the Generation, and then read the book. (Link is below in my signature. There is a pdf, printed copy, or ai audiobook available.) 

Oy, I feel for your hopelessness, and even more for the fact that you're numbed to it...............

Is it possible for you to cut off the access you have (to porn - not to masturbation )? I wonder how long I could withstand the temptation if I had a זונה פרוצה sitting right in front of my desk (dressed like the בנות מואב for all those learning the Daf)? One thing is certain, not very long......


With boundless brotherly love,
Muttel

Day 151 ב"ה

Also, it is advisable to start your own thread so people can respond to you.

shalom1530 wrote on 03 Apr 2025 05:21:

Welcome. Very impressive. A suggestion - Maybe reach out to a mentor here so you have assistance breaking free b'ezras Hashem.

I'll share what's been working for me so far;

• Speaking to a mentor (duh!)
• Getting up early and davening in an established minyan with a mokom kavua
• Laugh. A lot.
• Making a point of connecting emotionally to my family (wife, kids, parents, siblings etc) - this means that here, I'll give someone my full attention and focus for a couple of minutes and try just to hear them out, laugh with them, hock whatever. The main point is that I'm 100% present for that short period of time. I try do this a couple of times a day.