Stuart wrote on 19 Jul 2010 17:03:

In today's Daily Dose of Dov (Chizuk email #820) Dov gives a good response to this

So I am working on step 3, the last couple days I started to talk to G-d on my short drive to work in the mornings.  It feels weird, but I get it.  There are also several places in davening I try to have more kavana on, (however most of the time I end up missing it when I tend to space out).

Nevertheless today was a really bad day for me.  Fell twice at work.  Seems like when I am  "busy" doing what I shouldn't, nothing will stop me.  I had a few quick thoughts of the Higher Power etc while doing it but quickly got it off my mind so I could continue.  Funny how in the morning I passed on checking out a few triggers, but later on in the day I failed big time.

I am not complaining that this doesn't work, but just needed to get this out.

Stu, please don't take this in the wrong way.  Its not meant as a criticism but to get you thinking and help in the recovery process.  When you say "nothing will stop you" I'm curious whether a conversation with someone from the group would have stopped you.  If you're answer is yes, but I wouldn't or couldn't make the call I think that is where you have to draw on the first step by reminding yourself that if I do this now and allow myself even a little bit I'm going to make my life unmanageable and out of control so I better do something like call someone. I don't think that the 12 steps are some magic bullet that will magically cure us.  We have to take action on our part but at the same time recognize that our actions alone will not do it.  You may want to add to your third step prayer "Hashem please give me the strength and courage to reach out to others when I'm feeling weak and faced with temptation."  Good luck.

Why would I take this the wrong way? I am on this forum for a reason, so just say what you feel unapolegitcly (sp?). 
Once I am at a certain point in the viewing, I think its unlikely (but not impossible) that a conversation with someone from the group would have stopped me.  In fact, I think someone was trying to google chat with me during my "session" but I ignored him.
Thanks for the advice, will try it.

Well you can always google chat me. I usually try to have it on all the time. Hatzlacha.

Hey stu I just wanted to say I know how you feel. Just as you think you're making some progress you get knocked off your horse. And I also have it the hardest at work. I don't know what happens I just go into addict mode and nothing else in the world even exists. So the past few days I've tried hard not to think of the long run what was or what will be. I try to live the moment. Also I've tried identifying actions that I take as I begin falling. If I can't reach out to someone that moment I try to get out go to duane reade or starbucks or something. Brother there is no easy way out. Good luck.

I just blocked youtube from my computer, which was a major triger to several hours of wasted time and falls for me

Yesterday I was kvetching to Dov that its not easy grasping these 12 steps as I was having trouble putting the steps until real life situations.  Well last night my wife and I were going over all the tons of expenses we have and she made a comment to me "Your going to have to make a lot more money!". 
I hate when she makes these type of comments.  Instead of getting (too) upset I just thought who cares what she says, its Hashem's will of how much He will allow me to make as He is in charge of it all. 

I am not sure if this is on the right path, but I am further not sure yet how to practicly put the steps into real life LUST situations. I do daven and talk to Hashem to safeguard me from improper thoughts and sights and I communicate with other guys on GYE.  Admitadly I think its working a bit as I often resist taking looks in the streets.  However, I am still having trouble getting past the point  where I just don't (can't?) control myself and insist to myself I must check out a certain video or site.  Am I a hyprocite or does it just take more time and effort?  L'mayseh, what should I do when I am at the point where I say "I'm just checking out this site for a few minutes (even though I know its wrong and I will end up on it for a few hours)?

 

Weird thing happened to me yesterday.
Yesterday at work I was reading this very web site when my boss walked past my office so I quickly tried to minimize the screen.  Unfortunately the computer froze and was taking its sweet time trying to close.  Meanwhile Boss came to my screen and wanted to check out what I was looking at (in a non-intrusive manner).  As I was turning all red I franticlly struglled to press every key until finally it closed.  Not sure what he saw (it was the forum's home page) but he did say out loud Simple Machines forum?  I just brushed him off and said it was some dvar torahs (he's not frum) so he walked away.
Anyways I was very embarrased about this moment and then it struck me what could have happened.  In the past (incl this month) there were countless times I would rush to minimize  something on my computer, but it wasn't simple machines forum.  B'H I wasn't in that situation and I am very thankfull for that.

I attempted step 4 and came up with three character defects.  Granted it was done very bekius, but hopefully this will get me going. 
I would like to share one of them to get some comments; 

Situation – Same position at work and lack of advancement professionally
Incident that triggers – Frequent boredom, wasting time
Feeling – low self esteem, lack of confidence, depressing
Character Defect – Self defeating (is that a character defect?)

I have more, but I think this is one that fervently leads to bad stuff.  It’s also something that I discovered that I am not surprised about it, but probably wouldn’t have recognized it without writing it out.
Feedback and criticism welcome.

Yes, and can you dig for an emotional motivation - a few gut feelings you have that are attached to the triggers you listed?

ok, I found a good filter for blackberry's - its called an Email only plan!  After calling several times to my provider, unsuccesfully trying to reduce my megabyte usage (which would therefore reduce my temptation to go on bad sites as it would cost $$), someone suggested an email only plan for me.  No internet browsing is available, but who cares?  I thought of all the times in the past I really needed my bb for important internet usage and it was very minimal.  True I have to sacrifice the convience of not having instantaneous updates on weather, sports, and news, but I think I know this is better.  All the other instantaneous messaging are still available such as BB mesenger, google talk, windows live, yahoo., etc.

I highly reccommend this for anyone if the bb is a nisayon for you.

G'mar Chasima Tova!

How does the e-mail only plan work? Do you need jnet? Please e-mail me details to eyes.guard@gmail.com. Thanks!

mazel tov on getting utube out of your day. i don't the site at all now (but there are more and more good sites that link to it so I use their link but don't go onto 'Utube proper'. At first I made a rule for myself that i'd not use it when i am alone at the computer...it just seemed like too big a sacrifice to give it up completely yet, then after about a year it was pretty easy to just not use the site at all...bl"n. The thumbnails and 'popular videos' are too big a draw, anyway...can't handle that...seeya! (get to work on some step-thing - if you want to)

Friday night I was going through a resentment, so I figured I try to take a 4th step inventory of the situation.  I was feeling very aggravated with my wife and a couple of kids.  I was attempting to go to sleep in my bed, but the two kids insisted with sleeping with mommy.  I didn’t like that idea because I wanted to do the same thing.  I told them to go to their rooms, but of course thery weren't listening.  My wife also wasn’t cooperating with me and she said she would move them later on.  I knew that meant I would have to move them.  I was very angry and stormed out of the room slamming some doors. 

Instead of contemplating a good confrontation with my wife for the morning, I cooled down a bit and did a 4th step inventory in my head.  This was definitely affecting my pride and relationships among a few other items.  I was acting selfish and a bit controlling.  I realized I needed to humble myself and just accept the situation.  By the time the thinking was over, everyone was asleep, I moved the kids to their beds, thought of calling my chiropractor friend, and went to sleep with the wife. 
Avoiding a fight in the morning and not even mentioning the situation definitely led to a positive relationship with my wife on Shabbos (although kids are still driving me nuts – guess I should save for another post.)