This system doesn't work without grueling honesty.  So, I need help with a judgement call.

A couple of days ago I felt extremely overpowered by the Yeitzer.  A lot of extremely frustrating things were going on that day.

I DID intentionally type in something to my web browser, hoping to find indecent images.

On the other hand, I was sort of triggered because of an image I came across on something totally unexpected.  It got me wondering.

AND, I wrote such an abstract word that I didn't think anything really would turn up.

AND, since I blocked so many additional URL Key words on my filter, nothing did turn up.

AND, I stopped after this one try.

Besides feeling especially weak in the ongoing struggle with controlling my eyes on the street, I did control myself in every other way (no attempts to mast***), which is also an accomplishment.

All decisions in these areas are left to the Honorable Sir Guard to rule.

But, I have nothing other than total respect admiration for you.

to me, what you write about was a 'bump' in the road. a little bump.  we focus on the single bump, and ignore the miles of straight road. (Does not apply in NYC where there are no miles of straight roads)

BTW, did anyone see the sign on the Palisades Parkway: "BUMP", just before a bump in the road? Makes me laugh each time I pass it... imagine if they were to plaster 'bump' signs all over Brooklyn ;D

Eye, you're doing great!. That doesn't sound like a fall at all. Just a warning to step up your defences. Like talking to Hashem more often and posting as much as possible etc.

CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!

Thanks Kuten and Battleworn for your replies.

OY VAY!  I just fell.  After 21 clean days.

I"ve been having some pretty disheartening discussions with my wife.  Basically, she needs time to recover after having our most recent child.  Which is understandable.  But, any measures that are available have failed us either in the past, or now (my wife is now suffering an ulcer and kidney stones as side-effects).  So, the general tone of our discussions has been:  abstinence until we find an option, but we're tried all the available options and none have worked.

And, our anniversary came out in the middle of all these discussions.

See how this could be frustrating?

I let my guard down a bit, but didn't realize how fatal this was until afterwards (hindsight is always better).

I think, though, we have gotten somewhere, and things are looking a little better.


Here I go again...

Day 1.

"An expert is someone who made all the possible mistakes" 

Use the fall to learn from... what can you do better next time?

I made it to day six but, I'm sorry to say that I had yet another fall.

I deliberately searched for things on the computer that I shouldn't have.

Still, it would have been much worse without the filter.

Something's wrong.  Deep inside I feel that I really don't want to let go of lust.  I need help figuring this out.  Somehow, the attitudes, and the techniques, seem to be missing something here.  Why, really deep down, can't I let go?

Heiliger Eye,
I want to send you via email a very powerful video clip which will help you put all these falls into proper perspective.

I wrote something on my thread that may help you. For me I had to concentrate on letting go before I felt the urge. Once the urge comes it is too late. I can't let go if the lust is holding onto me. I was  most successful with working on my attitudes when I was having an easy period. Then the attitudes helped me when the difficult times arrived.  I hope this is of some help.

Shmilu wrote on 03 Sep 2009 20:02:


The guy without the limbs? If it's a different one, send it to me too!

guardureyes wrote on 04 Sep 2009 09:21:


Yeah, you saw it too?
Very moving stuff, no?

Yes, someone sent it to me once. (If it didn't have some not-so-tznius teenagers in it, I would have sent it out on the chizuk e-mail list).

Eye.nonymous wrote on 03 Sep 2009 19:44:


OK. It doesn't happen overnight. it does not even happen over-week or over-month. We have been too conditioned the other way, for too long.

The key is, of course, preparation   ....  not during the nisayon.

Practice whichever technique talks to you.

But the main thing for me was to come out realizing that this business of lusting, of having this crazy urge to spend time searching after mirages and similar such silly activities... :

is despicable.  >

I feel awful thinking that I do it , and again, and again, and cannot get this into control.

That awful feeling is not to put me into despair, but rather to shake away the fake veneer that this silly thing seems to have to me.

and then, the first instant that the YH presents itself, I feel myself giving over my whole body and existance to Hashem. Hashem, take me, I'm yours.

When that kicks in, I feel happy being close to Hashem, and do not have an interest any longer to look. It seems silly to me... which is what it really is.

Does this work 100% of the time?

Nope.

or more accurately perhaps... not yet. But it DOES work, in the 90 percent + area.

The main things is that it is not a fight any longer. I come away calm.

There is nothing new here. I'm not writing anything you will not find on the rest of the forum. My point is just to reiterate that it can be done, and you will get there, even if it might take time.

and...

IT WILL BE WORTH IT!

k

Lately I've been low-key about the forum.  Not writing too much.  No major chidushim.  Not too many questions.  Just scanning through the daily chizuk E-mails, glancing at some of the latest messages, and updating my 90-day chart.  Trying to read through another GUE handbook lesson each day.

I just felt that maybe I needed to something about my decreased activity here.

I'm still here, though.

hey eye!

good to hear from ya!

so how many days is that?