I learned from that near fall I had was that I have this undercurrent, feeling uptight.

I resolved to try an not be uptight.  To be more relaxed.

NOW I'm starting to feel like those testimonials, "I feel like a completely different person."

It's affecting everything.

I opened up my gemorrah the next morning.  Do I take myself less seriously?  Do I spend most of my time schmoozing about parsha vorts?

I decided, I'd just learn gemara.  But instead of checking the clock and seeing how much time I had, and looking a head to predict how much ground I could cover...


I decided to take it ONE LINE AT A TIME.

I really enjoyed it.  Every word was enjoyable--not just the good kashas or terutzim I came up with.

At home, instead of being uptight trying to take in everything everyone is saying (three kids talking at the same time, and another two crying), I just decided I'll take one thing at a time.  I'll take in as much as I can handle, and whatever else I might have to miss is fine.

I'm feeling this inner serenity like I've never felt before.  That itchy feeling for lust was replaced by this bubbly feeling of contentment.  I could say it feels like some inner awareness of Hashem.

That afternoon was awful.  I lost it.  I didn't fall into lust, I just lost that inner peaceful feeling.

But then I said to myself--I can just pick myself up and try it again.  I'm new at this and it takes getting used to.

And, the feeling has come back since.  Sometimes more and sometimes less.

I feel like a caterpiller on the way to being a butterfly.

Something REALLY BIG is definitly in progress.

(BTW, I also started learning Nesivos Shalom.  All the stuff about letting Hashem into your hert and mind is actually giving me chills).

To think that once I confessed here to being logical rather than emotional, litvish and not chassidic.

Was I mistaken or have I just changed?

Your story is beautiful to watch. I keep sharing your experience in the chizuk e-mails, and I think this is an ACE too!

Here's a pic for you.

Eye, Im glad its Guard who came up with the butterfly mashal.
It fits perfectly,
but if had said it, Id be branded a bigger flake than ever!

The only thing more beautiful than a chassidishe-litvak, is a sefardi-chassidishe-Litavak!
Youre bringing Mashiach Eye, keep going!

7Up wrote on 21 Nov 2009 18:47:


What about a modern sefardi-chasidishe-Litvak B.T. from Yemen and he's also a non-Jew?

Ger works well. Non-Jew; Im not so sure

Great post eyeballs butterfly. I really enjoy your posts and i feel that i get alot of chizuk from them. Alot what you write about is the same with me. So keep posting and knowing that your definitly helping out at least one jew. And btw im also litvishe. :D :D

I'm on day 26 now.

Since a day or two of feeling like I was in the clouds, a fall seems so weird now.  Oh, I didn't feel like I was in the clouds.  This is awful!

I know, I always have to be on guard.  I still feel lust pulling at me; I'm just standing further away from it now.

I felt pretty frustrated today, and I got angry quite a bit.

I think I realized what went wrong.

I was definitely running on low.  Worn out.  Too little sleep.

So, today I'm not directly shayach to that super elated feeling.  I tried turning to it, but it didn't work.

I'm on a lower level today.

I SHOULD HAVE used an earlier realization which was not quite as lofty.  I think if I just remembered, "I'm feeling down, but remember there's still a lot to be happy about," then I could have pulled myself out of it.  I turned to this thought this evening, and started to feel better.

It reminds me of an explanation I heard about a certain gemara:

If the yeitzer hara attacks you, first bring him into the beis hamidrash
If that doesn't work, then say the Shema (remember Ein Od Milvado)
If that doesn't work, then remember the day of death.

If remembering the day of death is so potent, why not use it first?  Why take any chances?
The answer is, if you haven't worked up to it gradually, then remembering the day of death could be too powerful and it could backfire.

Eye, the feelings of success come and go... the feelings of emptiness and desire come and go... the feelings of anxiety, stress, depression, etc... come and go... We need to be stronger than these emotions. We need to duck our heads under the water and hold on to Hashem. And then the waves just pass right over our heads without knocking us down.

You can do it!

guardureyes wrote on 23 Nov 2009 21:30:


I think I heard once in a shiur on the Nesivos Shalom that this is the definition of being an eved hashem--to do what you know is right, no matter how you feel.

Shaul didn't have this middah, and his malchus lasted 2 years.

Dovid had this middah, and Hashem promised that his malchus would last forever.

Thanks for your posts, eyeball.
Just an aside. Each person's avodah is like his Malchus, his very own aspect of Malchus Shomayim. I suffer from jealousy. Halevai i'd remember that "ein malchus achas noga'as bechavertah afilu kemolei neema"!!

When I first started to battle against uptight-ness, somehow I ended up in the clouds.

I'm working now on trying to stay even-keel.

Or, Keep on truckingism.

Not to float too high, and not really to expect to.

And not to sink down, either.

Also, I'm going through a challenging time with my wife.  We're abstinent for medical reasons; I think it's been almost two weeks.  In the past I felt these were self-imposed and blamed them on my wife's baggage (though now I see it was really MY addiction that was fueling the problem).  It was harder to deal with than Niddah, because it didn't seem exactly necessary.

Now I'm handling it really well.

When my wife approached me with this option, I said thanks to GUE we'll be okay.

I was even able to cheerfully consent to postponing a doctor's appointment due to circumstances beyond our control (too many sick kids at home), which also means the end of our abstinence has been postponed.

I feel like the 90 day chart did a time warp---backwards.

I'm on day 27.  I thought I was on 28 or 29.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 26 Nov 2009 18:19:


Reb Eye,
You are really an inspiration.

Thank you.

kutan

Beautiful!

I'm on day 29, and doing pretty well.

You may have noticed that I've given up on trying to control my computer use.  Actually, I finally got some translation work to do.  So now I have to turn on my computer every day to do some work.  But first I check in with the forum...

I"m not getting too much work done.