I met your yetzer hora in Barbados, he said he's just letting you have a break for bit while he gets a tan. He ain't worried kid, and he'll be back soon.

But meanwhile, WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep trucking, man, (whatever that means)

Chazak V'ematz

Aaron

thanx, i dont agree but anyway!

today is 31!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

31 = Lamed aleph = Lo = "Just say NO to drugs"

thanx
32!

32 = Lev

V'taher libeinu l'avdecha

guys ive been in yeshiva for a week but im on day 40!!!!!!!!!!!
im really doing well
i dont know how or why im managing!

gevaldig! beautiful

keep up the great work, one day at a time

Not14 wrote on 15 Oct 2010 10:46:


Moshe Rabbeinu spent 40 days with Hashem learning Torah. You also spent 40 days with Hashem!!!

Not14 wrote on 15 Oct 2010 10:46:


How -- because Hashem is with those who seek His help, and that is what you did.
Why -- because you want a managable real life.  This is where all sane not14 year olds should be.  The place you were before was not the real you and you want to be sane and real.

Continued Hatzlacha.

Not14 wrote on 04 Oct 2010 19:30:
: 

As an addict, I'm all about "feelin' good".  I didn't get; I deserve it; I'm entitled; and anyway I'm sad, glad, mad, scared, bored, hungry, angry, lonely, tired (HALT), whatever.  I just want my feel goods  Gimme!  I'll beg, sneak, manipulate, control, whine, suffer, rage, lie, hide.  Whatever it takes...  Gimme my luv!

Then I somehow get to GYE.  And I get clean.  It's a miracle.  I couldn't stop for even one day, and now I'm racking up the days.  It FEELS SO AMAZINGLY GOOD TO BE FREE.  I'm on auto pilot and lovin it.  Chizuk, friends, I'm not alone anymore, not hiding and keeping secrets, not wasting tons of hours with an obsession that makes me feel horrid.  Davening with kavanoh.  Leyning again.  Life is good.  It's so easy, too.  I just don't have the urges any more, maybe a little, but nothing that's difficult to handle.  It's a mechiyah, I'm alive again.

8) cool tov so far.

120 days clean.  Yea! 

Then my dog dies.  My new dog runs away.  The IRS tells me I owe them,  and then tells me I owe them some more, and then I scream at a neighbor that's been hawking me for months, and then, I was mean and controlling to my 17 year old boy.  It was just all too much.  I COULDN'T STAND HOW SCARED AND OUT OF CONTROL AND ALONE I FELT.  "I'll just take a peek.  I gotta.  I can't stand this feeling." ...  Fell down went boom.  GYE???  What "GYE"???.  Thats's not going to help this intense FEELING. 

So here's some things I've been thinking about on this my second clean streak of now about 20 days, hoping that somehow they'll relate to your question.  Some Gadol on this site wrote, "yiddishkeit isn't about feeling good" (anybody know who first said it?).  and I think Bard added, "yiddishkeit isn't about feeling good, it's about serving Hashem."  I forgot that.  It was so easy to forget that.  After all, I was davening with such focus and feeling.  Geshmach!  But... I forgot. 

This climb this time is hard.  Life just keeps coming at me, one test after the next.  And the best I can do is sit in a puddle sometimes and just have a talk with Him.  Feel his "zeidah arms" his love and patience and understanding.  This time, thanks to suggestions by such gaonim like ZemirosShabbos and Ur-a-jew and others, I try to do little things, gmilut chasadim, try to daven on time, and bench right after.  It's hard not because of the lust urge.  But because of the "It's-all-about-me" urge, that always goes to that first fantasy, the first lingering look.

I'm learning to give up on feeling entitled to feel good (Bez"H, bli neder, and bli ayin harah.  ptooey, ptooey, ptooey) .  and with life coming at me like it is, the only FEEL GOOD  there is left is sitting in my little puddle with my Tatti holding me.  When I remember, there's nothing more I could ask for.  He'll straighten things out between me and my son, my dog came back, the IRS...well, the IRS is the IRS.  But when I remember, I have the FEELING I've looked for all my life.  In His arms.  Happy to carry His briefcase.  Cuz it's my Tatti's briefcase!  I'm a little shtarker being the eraser monitor.  I don't get too high and I don't get too low.  And I remember more this time.  It's not about me feeling good or tragic.  It's about serving Hashem.  And sometimes that feels good, and sometimes it doesn't really feel like much at all.  Doesn't matter.

May Hashem continue to take you from coiach l'coiach.  May your days and weeks and months of sobriety become years and decades and a life so full of Torah and Mitzvos that your heart shines like Avraham Avinu's for all who look upon you. 

I'm sorry for such a long post.  So many guys post about getting blindsided by the yh.  It didn't help me to know that.  Looking back, I guess I Probably I wrote this for me.  I guess it's still "all about me".  Back to work.  Hotzlocho.

1daat, that post is beautiful!

1daat wrote on 21 Oct 2010 21:24:


that gadol was Reb Ovadia Shlita


and thanks for the honorable mention

1daat - really beautiful post

I'm feeling so lousy right now, but i know this is way forward. I'll be better for it. This journey isn't so pleasant.

R' Kivak has said a few times that we shouldn't expect to feel anything in serving Hashem. Who are u? Some big mekubal? Hashem loves you and delights in your every effort. But just like you don't see the sparks flying up from your banana after you say the bracha and eat it, so too you don't have to feel this love and delight. Just do your bit and believe.

Chazak V'ematz everyone

Well done not14 for your great stretch. Maybe you're YR drowned in Barbados after all!

Gevaldig! Glad to hear that u r sober,and not having any nisyones in yeshiva. U must be very in to learning and getting a sipuk from it.
Your post is bringing a bit of a proof to what i recently heard b'shem a  marbitz Torah who was describing the plight of a bachur ,going on line in the middle of the night to watch shmutz. By some miracle the bachur has now stopped and is back full swing into learning without the help of any professionals ect....?? i guess,the m'or she boh machzerim le mutav really does help some guys. idk,but i need to go to SA meetings and post on the forum. Bracha V'hatzlacha.

guys again ive been away but still holding strong, 69!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is great to hear! thanks for the good news, we collect that type of stuff here....

by sharing the good stuff it doubles in value, as you inspire others and show how IT CAN BE DONE

chazak chazak!