Keep up the good work, Chaim. Sometimes when Hashem is enjoying a person's growth and he wants them to take it to the NEXT LEVEL, he brings them to fall only to see what they'll do NEXT. Because if they don't let the fall get them down and learn from it and get stronger from it, not only have they passed an even bigger test, but they get much stronger through that!

I'm back in Israel and happy to say that for HaShem's honor - I passedthe test with flying colors. I didn't have one fall of intentionally looking or glancing at bad sites, bad written material, or live women.
I always try to get a window seat, this way no one has to climb over me and I can stay put. I  pray not to have a woman next to me. So this time I got to my seat and saw a couple getting settled on the aisle and middle. I said I would be more comfortable sitting next to the man, and she convinced him that even tho' he likes the aisle - he should sit next to me. For the way she was dressed - this was a hazolo

The simcha provided other opportunities to fall - which BH I circumvented.

So I am glad to alive and connected!

YOU ARE CHOOSING LIFE, CHAIM. Thank you for inspiring us!

Had a great yomim noraim, and am still clean, tho I still have to keep watch not to fall. Oy Vey I don't want to lose my momemtum and choose death over life.

Well I am posting after a long hiatus, with having 2 falls in the meantime. The same flavor - just tired out and bored and testing the limits of my filter which is enough to be in bad company.
I won't give up, and being back in Yeshiva is cleansing, keeping me busy and spiritual.

I wonder if I am just fooling myself, am I in a better place after over 6 months being around the site? I think so, even tho' I'm not impervious to sin, I am stronger.

You used to fall every "x" amount of time, and now you've fallen only 3 times in 6 months!! Are you in a better place?  :D

Don't expect or desire 100% success... It's the DIRECTION we are heading that counts. And your direction is up up and away!

Thanks
I am stronger and am feeling asense of peace, although I do have skirmishes again and again.

I am back posting. I have not kept track for a while. I have had some ups and downs. So I deceided to start counting days - 10 days ago.
I had a little battle tonight - but got through it.

The time previous to this last clean streak was for me - bad. I even got close to M** something I have not done for almost 30 years!
What is going on?

On one hand I am so much clearer about what is in my head and heart, astronomically so! This is a result of intense and deep work on my emotions, and helping many others.
However - I am not free!

Along the lines of "once an addict - always an addict"
I know how to ride a bike. I haven't tho' for many years. However - I am sure that I can do it perfectly once I try.
I wish I had the same feeling when thinking about remebering a Gemorrah!

The reason is - My BODY is used to riding a bike. I am hard-wired to remember it. It's there automatically when I boot the system.
So too, with SA. I have unfortunately burned so many grooves deep into my mind, that certain shapes and shadows that I see or imagine - automatically click on hidden processes that lead to LUST.
Even the act of intimicy is called by Chazal - Hergel Dovor. Being used to it. Part of bodily function.

So fighting this with my mind only helps to a point. I have to try to retrain my body and the circuits of my mind to respond differently to those stimulii.

So I am trying how to forget how to ride a bike.
What are those pedals for anyhow....

I would appreciate you comments. I see that I disappeared from the forum for a while, and that wasn't good. I also requested a buddy. I need the possiblity of having instant chizuk without going online.
THanks you holy GUEyS

Chaim, welcome back! I had wondered where you disappeared 

The buddy system was down for about 2 months, but when I got your request, it spurred me to find a new Gabai and get him to make parters... And I understand he's doing a good job. Did he set you up with someone yet?

No Partner yet.
I went deep inside my imagination today, and am using this process to clear up my feelings, and get clearer on my inner world.

I saw some old, very old stuff, that still lurks in me over 25 years later, but I saw how it caused me some deep wounds. Interestingly - I feel further from those old lusty memories now, getting in contact didn't bring me down - It helped me use my knowledge that I have worked on so hard - to understand and disconnect.
As long as that stuff is lurking in the dark, without being thought about - it affects my thinking and behavior without any concious ability to fight back.

I say this also to strengthen those of us who are plauged with unznius thoughts. One way to deal with them - is to deal with them. Oh, that's interesting what popped up (like those pop-ups) I don't think I really profited from that scene. Click the red X in the corner. Good bye. One more pixel of my mind a little cleaner.
Keep connected

day 14
I did a bit of dancing aroung some sites I shouldn't go near - not really bad stuff , but not good for me. I seem to enjoy the danger the thrill of being close.
Stupid.
I have some real difficulty with some Tahara issues (a knock out in the last day twice over)
So what do I want? to get some erzatz placebo for closeness with my wife? I really want a virtual picture of some other body? What will this give me? Nothing. I am glad I didn't fall, and am calmer.

I have started with a PARTNER. We'll see how this works. I am hopeful.

I am still going very well. I got a ride from a young woman today, she stopped and gave me a tremp for 2 minutes, and I didn't see who it was until after she stopped. So I got in, and started cleaning my glassed which I left off. I didn't look at all at her - even tho she was dressed fine, I knew it wasn't good for me. (it has to do with a ceratin picture stuck in my mind)
So I stayed clear, got off politely without harm, and stronger.
I also helped a talmid who realized that it is his problem, using the internet, and not his parents who don't put in a filter. I don't justify them, but it is no reason to make a fight with them. I'll try to talk to them.
In any case - I will tell him about the hebrew forum. What else in hebrew?

Any rules for sharing with talmidim? I would like to hear from others' experience.

Chaim

I'd avoid too much sharing. I think sticking to things like, "everyone has nisyonos, even me," without specifics, and letting him know (not in the same sentence) that there are lots of people facing this nisayon, and learning to face it successfully, can be very helpful.

Too much information would likely not be appreciated, and would probably lower the level of respect the talmid has.

thanks for your input.

I think it is childish to tell secrets, especially to someone younger. It is also not fair to make him responsible for keeping secrets. He can be helped like you said, by talking about what I knwo in general.

silentbattle wrote on 24 May 2010 14:12:

I agree totally. Kids want the grownups in their lives to be grownups. Not necessarily picture perfect, but grownup. And a teenager wants to identify with a teenager's concerns with... another TEENAGER. Not with an adult.

Trying to be part of the kid's world in any way... isn't gonna help the kid. Doesn't help the kid respect the adult, either. They're different and the kids like it that way. (Have you ever seen those fathers trying to wear the goofy eyeglasses or too-long pants of his kids? It's pathetic.)

Maybe opening the door by saying, "Everyone's got nisyonos" might be okay, or "everyone's got nisyonos AND I know that there are adults here who'd gladly help out any kids who's struggling with their own." But an adult letting a kid know that he's a sex addict... we've been through this before on this site. Don't do it.