Checking in.

Shabbos was a nice break, but still not feeling particularly committed to being clean today. But trying to take it one day at a time.

Last night my wife got super pissed at me (wrongfully so, in my biased opinion) I retaliated, etc. etc. Major trigger.

I was actually on my computer working on a learning thing, and when she stormed off I was sooo very tempted to just check out. One click and away into porn preferably, but really into anything. I'm not really sure how I avoided it. Went on GYE a little and then was able to just focus what I was doing and not numb myself. It helped I was just typing up old notes and didn't need to think about anything. Twas rough though.

One thing I am proud of is I've gone without reading novels online or social media since whenever Vehkam made his point about 40 days till peach. I'm very happy about that (thanks to Vehkam, and BHBH).

Funny story from shabbos:

A neighbor brought a kid over to play when my wife was out with my kids.
When my wife came back I told her "Mrs. X came by with her kid." My wife said "are you sure it wasn't Mrs. Y?" I told her yes, I think it was Mrs. X and we went on like that for a bit, and she asked well was she wearing a [weird head covering Mrs. X wears]. I said I don't know, I guess so.

And my wife was like oh of course you don't notice things like that. Meanwhile, while I didn't pay much attention to her head covering, I'm sure I could tell you her dress size. And of course I knew what she was wearing on her head too, but part of my whole hiding from my wife thing is pretending to be aloof from noticing such things.

It's just funny that my wife could honestly think I'm not gores women, and it's mamash pumfarkert.

Wait, maybe it's a sad story not a funny one. Oh well.

Spent most of the day on a nice hard fall.

Been a rough couple weeks.

I guess the only positive thing I have to say is I'm not dead yet and tomorrow will be another day (probably another day of falling but who knows). 

Spent most of the day on a nice hard fall.

Let's see. I enjoyed some good porn.  Well that's not really true. I didn't enjoy it much at all. 

I guess the only positive thing I have to say is I'm not dead yet and tomorrow will be another day (probably another day of falling but who knows). 

Tonight will be two weeks. It's actually been a pretty easy two weeks, mostly because it's been a very busy two weeks.
Something I'm very nervous about tho and I apologize if I ramble here. But I'm going to be starting a new job in a few weeks. It's a great opportunity but I'm probably under qualified for the role, and it is going to be very difficult in alot of ways. (Changing some details to hide myself here but) I've left multiple jobs because of incessant porn watching during work. Unfiltered computer, private office (or even when I was working in a hallway!) and long boring tasks kinda made porn my default escape (in addition to the "regular" porn that comes with me and unfiltered internet). Of course, watching porn instead of working made those unpleasant tasks pile up and become even more depressing, leading to more need to escape into porn. I switched jobs just to get out of the pit. Of course, I gave other explanations, but just leaving seemed to be the only way out of the vicious cycle. I've actually been at my current job longer than anywhere else, but part of the reason I'm leaving here (if I'm being honest with myself) is that I burned some bridges by doing work poorly/late so I could watch more porn.
I really don't want to screw up this new job. But I know it's the type of place that is going to have alot of high-pressure boring tasks. Exactly the thing I used to turn to porn to distract myself and make myself feel better while procrastinating. I've got a few weeks before starting to prepare but this seems impossible.
Trying not to let the future kill my present success but I'm worried.

Advice and suggestions appreciated, but I probably won't be able to log back in until monday.

It's wasn't gentech, I broked into your computer...

Is it possible for you to cut off the access you have (to porn - not to masturbation )? I wonder how long I could withstand the temptation if I had a זונה פרוצה sitting right in front of my desk (dressed like the בנות מואב for all those learning the Daf)? One thing is certain, not very long......