Day 39 posting… day 1 clean. 

Bh no porn. I know it’s not clean, but no porn is huge for me. Chasdei Hashem I have newfound motivation to not watch, and not based on guilt. A good therapy sessions and a talk with my rebbe. I did M and the YH was smart. He told me I’d surely fall later in the night or erev shabbos with both P and M so why not just do M now because you won’t be strong enough on day 4 and have a bigger fall. Part of me believes the YH. I don’t know. Feeling strong today. Went to the Mikvah and feelings good. Truly feeling the benefits of having not recently watching P and using that as motivation to continue to resist watching. 

Day 40 posting… Day 2 clean

Keep on fighting!!
We all can do it and feel free!
Bh here 152 days!
Let’s keep on doing this great great avodah!

Day 41 posting… Day 3 clean*

asterisk being last night was an absolute rollercoaster. Did I poke? Yes. Did I see an image I shouldn’t have? Yes. So why am I counting it as a clean day? I don’t know maybe I shouldn’t. I did not watch any videos.  But I stepped into the shower before bed knowing I’m going to M. I even started the act. But then the good thoughts came and they came strong. “It’s uncomfortable but the feeling after will be so much worse. You don’t need to do it.” There were more even. I took a deep breath and let the good thoughts win. I told myself that if I held back I’d be mochel the image I saw earlier. It was so hard. But I just didn’t do it. Bh I finished my shower and went to sleep. So yea… day 3 clean

Day 42 posting… Day 1 clean

Day 43 posting… day 2 clean… Chasdei Hashem so proud of myself for last night. Felt some urges coming on but was motivated (not by guilt

chosemyshem wrote on 09 Apr 2025 18:58:

Another fall, posting here as accountability… yes I feel like garbage. Yes I’m angry at my actions and how they’ve set back my goal. I wish my motivations were stronger. But I’m still proud. Of how I fought yesterday. This whole week really. Had some really tough battles that I won. Those are kidushei Hashem that will never be erased. But for now, I’ll be working on erasing this chillul Hashem… oy

Day 44 posting… day 1 clean… 
curious what you guys think about the connection between pornography and shidduchim. Or if there is none… I’m learning to believe there is none, and believing that there IS a connection actually makes the fight against pornography worse. Thoughts?

sytv2002 wrote on 07 May 2025 13:58:

Shalom Brother,

That's a good thing to think about and try to figure out how it is or isn't (or perhaps more accurately: shouldn't be) connected.

What exactly do you mean when you say "connection" ?

It's good to have motivation to stop, though you also need to manage any stress and pressure that could be negative. If thinking that having an issue with pornography means I'll mess up my shidduchim - that could motivate inner work and real change, or external panic and worry. 

What thought dominates?
- If I don't figure this out, I'm destroying my future.
- If I can pick myself up and get a handle on this, my future will be better. 

The 'connection' to shidduchim could also be a connection to many areas of life. Yeshiva, marriage, kids, davening, learning, avodah, job, self. 

If the connection for you is making the fight against pornography worse, I'd suspect that it's leaving you feeling negative in an unhelpful way, but it would be good to know more specifically what your thought process is.

Kol Tov

Day 44 posting… day 2 clean… gonna be a tough day. Bh already had big win

sytv2002 wrote on 07 May 2025 13:58:

Do you mean, can a girl tell that you have a problem with porn? Probably not.