Good morning 

It's day 32. Should I preparing for tonight to be my personal Lag B'omer? My Hod SheB'Hod? 
Probably! 
Will I? Definitely not. 
Still clean, still kosher, still struggling with #2 (I'm referring to my post above but also #2 as the wonderful stuff that hits the fan and then falls in a beautiful arc to rain down it's warm love on me!-i have beautiful thoughts in the mornings) 

Anyways, Erev RH. 
Fun times. 
My grumpiness this morning would probably crash the GYE server so I'll hold back! 

Have a great day!  

We'll do one general thought and one Rosh Hashanah thought. 


General
When I first joined 3.5 weeks ago, I was nervous. Would I find what I need here? Would I succeed? How many times have a tried!
I would cry when I said the words וטהר ליבינו on shabbos. Bitter tears of despair. Tears of pain. Tears of hopelessness. Because I knew it would be just a matter of time before I fell. I am never actually going to be clean. 

Once I joined here and met the most amazing chevra in the world, I knew there was hope. 
The oilam here has been so good to me. 
No one has offered any advice. And no one has come up with a chiddish that will cure my out of control taiovos. The people here have just been warm, kind and have listened to my story, to my pain, and to my problems. 
I want to repeat something I've said so many times. 
Just being in touch with the beautiful zees sweet chevra here, has given me a true belief that I am able to come out of the pits of shmutz and back onto normal ground again. It may take years to wipe of the feces, but the journey has started and we will go far. 

Rosh Hashanah. 
Chazal in Gemara RH says that we blow extra tekios to confuse the Satan (although ערבוב means mixed...) 
Asks tosfos (and the velt) that you ain't confusing that old wise satan. The guy has been around for 5700 years. He knows every trick in the book. And he has certainly taken a peek into the machine to see that the tekios are going to blown. How does this confuse him?
Answers tosfos that the Satan thinks that this may be the Shofar of Moshiach. 
But again, this doesn't answer that the Satan is well aware that we are blowing the shofar 100 times as we do every year. 
The Pshat may be, that the joke is really on us. This really COULD be the year of Moshiach, of the true Geulah, but we don't believe it. The Satan is well aware of it, but we aren't. 

I think that's the key to the geulah on GYE. 
If I believe I really can clean myself, then I can. 
BH you guys have given me that belief. 

​May we merit the Shofar Shel Mashiach and we can all hug and shmooze (with a coffee) in the Azara of the Beis Hamikdash THIS YEAR! 

36 days. BH!!!

YK is gonna be guilt free and that's what I'm looking forward to! 

Day 37. 

Reminder to reach out to a fellow struggler. (Reminder is for me) 

Dear chaveirim. 
Today marks forty, let me say that again, FORTY days since I started my journey. I want to write a long post later which BN I will. 
I don't actually have the words to describe how I'm feeling. For the last two months leading up to 40 days ago, I was watching P an hour a day and M every single day. 
BH I have had 40 clean days. 
I don't know what to say. 
It's 3am. Time for a few minutes os ZZZzzzz. 
Thank you Hashem. Hodu LaHashem ki tov. 

Yetziras Havlad. 
you are forming someone, something new. 
But it’s who you really are/were. 

Keep soaring, brother. 
The sun is rising, it is going to be a glorious day, 

Chaim 

40 days! That's incredible. Keep up this amazing journey!

Hashem is so proud!

Gmar Chasimah Tovah!

43 days. BH!!!!

Yom Kippur was amazing. Guilt free for the half of the bedroom that I'm fully responsible for. Hashem should help me with the other half that I'm not fully responsible for. 
Wife picked a fight right after YK. We didn't even make it home from shul!!! (Of course it was her fault!!!!!) 
Anyways, life moves on. 43 days is what I wanted today to be and 43 days kosher and clean, it is. 
I cried in the mikvah erev YK and I cried in davening for the things in life that are essential. I'm not a cryer. But there was so much to daven for, I couldn't help it. I davened for my beloved chaveirim here, I begged for shalom bayis, good kids, parnassah and for the big geulah happening very soon iyh. 

Amazing! And funny you should mention it, I cried in the mikvah too. Not a big cryer either. Good thing there's a filter...

I thought the mikva water tasted a little saltier this year.

BenHashemBH wrote on 14 Oct 2024 02:25:

You followed the Apter Rav’s lead and drank a glass of Mikva water with your Seuda Hafasekes, too?!?
Ben, you ARE the MAN!! 

BenHashemBH wrote on 14 Oct 2024 02:25:

I'm still waiting for the King of the mikvah to come and give his psak...

The mikva I went to is definitely the cleanest mikva I've ever seen! 
I Didn't cry enough to dilute the taste of the chlorine! 

Welcome to morning #44! 
I haven't seen you in so long. 

There's so much turmoil in my life and I'm still staying strong, is proof to myself that it's possible to be clean. 
Before you think that my marriage has become a Hollywood love story or my bedroom has turned into a magical experience, this is very much not the case. I know it's a long road, and there are many other factors involved but slowly we might be making some progress. 
Probably myself and my wife would benefit alot from some marriage (and individual) counseling, but we simply wouldn't be able to afford it. 

HHM is still with us, guiding us and giving a huge amount of his time. How he has a minute to talk to anyone else, I have no idea. May Hashem bless him for the hours of his time for our long, almost daily conversations.

I know I have to do what I am responsible for, staying holy and clean. Which I believe I am doing a great job of. 
44 days is just the start. And the streaks aren't the only thing. It's taking all the garbage and putting it into the great garbage can of history, where it firmly belongs. It's getting rid of the idea that sex is what is portrayed on a screen, and realizing that intimacy happens organically through our work to create a warm, happy, loving environment in our home. 
May Hashem help us to our true goal (one that maybe should've happened when we got married over 15 years ago) of a bayis neeman (trust in each other) beyisrael. 

odyossefchai wrote on 14 Oct 2024 10:57:

Please give this to every chosson rebbi to have their chassanim read and understand. A masterpiece!