odyossefchai wrote on 15 Sep 2024 13:49:

Think about it like this. The mishna in avos says 1 time with pain is worth 100 times without. So from your story you got at least 1400 days. Impressive! Really its more than that. You are struggling with so much years of pain, each year compounding all of that. 100 to the 15th power. Dont know what that number is but each day for you is worth that many days. 

Thank you. 
Was great talking to you on the phone. 

IYH we will shmooze more. 
But for now we have to talk about today's achievement!
It's day 15!!!!!

'BH Yom Yom' (as my yekishe grandfather would say, maybe now I know why! One day at a time) 

I had an interesting thought on Rashi. 
BN later in the day I will share. 

I missed this thread and want to jump in. Welcome!  Here you will find people who want nothing more than to see you succeed! We've all had our fair share of disappointments and BH the ability to get and remain clean is there for our taking.....

Here's wishing you tons of success in this rewarding battle!

Muttel

Firstly, thank you all for your warm messages. 
I can't remember the last time i was 15 days clean. 
When was in shul on Friday night saying the words וטהר ליבינו, I was trying to work out when I last had a full week of cleanliness. 
Maybe I go to the mikvah next erev shabbos to celebrate!

Just a thought I had during kriyas hatorah. 
לֹֽא־תָלִ֨ין נִבְלָת֜וֹ עַל־הָעֵ֗ץ כִּֽי־קָב֤וֹר תִּקְבְּרֶ֨נּוּ֙ בַּיּ֣וֹם הַה֔וּא כִּֽי־קִלְלַ֥ת אֱלֹהִ֖ים תָּל֑וּי וְלֹ֤א תְטַמֵּא֙ אֶת־אַדְמָ֣תְךָ֔ אֲשֶׁר֙ יְהֹוָ֣ה אֱלֹהֶ֔יךָ נֹתֵ֥ן לְךָ֖ נַֽחֲלָֽה:

Rashi brings a moshul 
כִּֽי־קִלְלַת אֱלֹהִים תָּלוּי: זִלְזוּלוֹ שֶׁל מֶלֶךְ הוּא, שֶׁאָדָם עָשׂוּי בִּדְמוּת דְּיוֹקָנוֹ, וְיִשְׂרָאֵל הֵם בָּנָיו; מָשָׁל לִשְׁנֵי אַחִים תְּאוֹמִים שֶׁהָיוּ דּוֹמִים זֶה לָזֶה, אֶחָד נַעֲשָׂה מֶלֶךְ וְאֶחָד נִתְפַּס לְלִסְטִיּוּת וְנִתְלָה, כָּל הָרוֹאֶה אוֹתוֹ אוֹמֵר הַמֶּלֶךְ תָּלוּי. 
The nimshal is clear that man is created in the image of Hashem. Not just spiritually, but physically also. Rashi is clearly saying that when someone is hanging on a tree, people will be confused and say that it looks like HKBH Himself is on the tree. 
(I'm not explaining or giving peshotim. I'm translating poshut pshat in Rashi) 

Fascinating stuff! 

I'm at work already (got here 730:cry:) so no Lchaims for me! 
Ive made it to day #16. 

I don't remember having this many days in several years. 
(Maybe when my son was in the hospital, but I doubt I made it to 16) 

Anyways, the grumpiness continues. 
Marriage is near an all time low. 

Not saying it's bad all the time, but it has such issues that it's not easy to be upbeat or in any way optimistic. 

I've only mentioned several times that this streak is coming from a place of sadness and misery and not a happy, uplifting, 'im finally excited to break free! 


I was thinking about whether to include how miserable I am or not but then I saw some threads of other people who started at the bottom and made tremendous 'Aliyah' that I decided I will put in the sad stuff too! 
Maybe one day I'll look back at this and say, 'look how far we've grown'

Anyways....everyone have a great day! 
Tomorrow is 17!

odyossefchai wrote on 17 Sep 2024 12:07:

It can sometimes be hard in the beginning to have a streak born of happiness.
The happiness often comes later on begot by being born again as the person you always wanted to be.
If you were to want to include your misery, and you want to keep it out of The Grouchery - it is conditional on you also sharing with us when the misery goes away

Misery has been here for 17 years. 
Not always.
There have been great moments. And some horrifically sad moments. 
And some even worse moments!

I have four amazing children and I'm not saying that just because they are my children! (Ok I am) 
They really are a blessing. Healthy, shteiging, full of Torah and middos, they are the greatest things in the world. 

BH my wife is generally a good person but she has some serious issues and problems that prevent us from being happily married. 
These are subtle issues (I should say that they creep under the surface so alot of the time they aren't relevant but then they explode at various intervals) but they exist nonetheless. 
I did try to call my Rabbi many years ago but when she found out I attempted to call, she threw an epic tantrum! 
Which led to me not talking to my Rebbe for 10+ years. 

HKBH has blessed me in more ways than I deserve. 
So I will thank Him for giving me more good in my life than I could have ever imagined! 

TYH! 

Beautiful that you are able to keep the positive in your mind.

I'd you can't speak to your Rabbi, you can call a hotline to speak to someone anonymously. Or speak to HHM here.

Ok so I can feel the rumble. The warm feeling creeping up the belly. The fat lady is starting to gargle. 
The yetzer hara has started to come out of hibernation. 
He's getting his strength back. He's poised to attack. 
He won't accept a win from me. He wants blood and he will stop at nothing to get it. 

What a day! 

What a load of hell! 

Misery, pressure and pain. 
Here's the place to vent. And vent is what I shall do! 

So after the pressure, I said to Hashem, please help me get home without looking at too much garbage. 
I was really careful and I feel I passed the test. 
I have heard that when you pass a test, you can ask Hashem for anything. 
I did ask for a couple of specific things. I'll report back if I get them! 

Anyways, back to the tears and pain! 

May Hashem bless you all for listening to me! 

You are all Tzadikim Gemurim

Happy to report that the day passed with no fails. BH!!! 

Wife was asleep early, I knew the struggles were coming. 
Watched the Yankee game. 
I don't care alot for baseball but it was worth it to pass the time till I fell asleep. 

Today is day חי. 

17 days today and it has been several years since I was clea. For 17 days. 
No L'chaims at work sadly. 
Coffee and a chocolate bar will be my reward. 

If I get to 30 days, I'll treat myself to something good iyh. 
If I get to Rosh Hashanah and Yom kippur clean, it will be a huge relief. 
I'm always mad guilty on those days. You guys know what I'm talking about. 

congrats... it is harder than ppl realize :-)

5770 you are on day 71. 

It's probably 15+ years since I was close to that. 

The strength you need to get to a number like that is mind boggling. There are so many ups and downs in 71 days that I can't imagine how you can do that kind of fight against the challenge. 
Kudos to you. 

Anyways, we march along. 
No rest for the wicked! 

Things between myself and the Mrs haven't been great lately. 
I've reached out and offered two days vacation and she has responded warmly. 
It may inject us with a good feeling and help us get back in shape a little. 

We used to do date night weekly and that was good. 
She stopped it and credit to her, she apologized for cancelling it. 
It hasn't really restarted but at least she was Modeh that she was wrong. 

Anyways, work is done for the day and we shall continue tomorrow when we hit the bit FAT 18. 

I may have to use the good ol Yankees again to help me through it but better watching that than some other stuff! 

18 is a phat slice of sparkling חיים ! 

Hang tight brother. 

Sounds like you’ve been proactive in making things better in other painful areas, that’s a good feeling.

One of my Rabbaim always says that most problems can get at least one big chunk better, and that’s a lot. It’s a comfort, because even if we can’t solve the whole problem, it can get better. 

This is a thought that can help, maybe, regarding Shalom Bayis, as well as the stuff we deal with in these hallowed halls….

Pedal to the metal, babe,

לחיים

odyossefchai wrote on 18 Sep 2024 21:26:

No shame in using the Yankees to stave off desire…

Thats what I’m doing these days, and will continue to do so until I no longer need it.

Hats off to you, here’s hoping you experience sustained success in our collective nisayon and your personal challenges.

Muttel