I spoke to my chabad rabbi and he recommended this sight. Most therapists treat masturbation  like it’s healthy. Technically it’s not killing you but it’s not great for your mental health 

You seem to be wavering between hookup apps and true intimacy, Conservative Judaism, non-Jewish relationships and Orthodox Judaism. It seems that it is clear to you that hookup apps are harmful and that Conservative Judaism is false and yet you are willing to consider them. It seems to me that what you are lacking is a commitment to Orthodox Judaism, notwithstanding that you might agree that it is the path you aught to be taking for the sake of truth. You have two paths to choose from; one that will make your life meaningful but it requires work, and the other one that is easygoing but that will make life meaningless to a certain degree. This is a decision that we can't make for you and it isn't addressed anywhere on GYE.

The Torah writes (Deuteronomy 30:19-20) "I call heaven and earth today to bear witness against you: I have placed life and death before you, blessing and curse; and you shall choose life, so that you will live, you and your offspring - to love Hashem, your G-d, to listen to His voice and to cleave to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days". 

The choice is yours and the two options aren't whether you will do good or bad to Hashem but rather what choices you are going to make for yourself; whether you will choose life or death. If you want what is in your best interest then choose life. This isn't optional. The Torah commands you "and you shall choose life" because Hashem wants you to live; He wants what is best for you and commands you to do so, but at the end of the day Hashem gives you the option to choose death because without that there wouldn't be free will and you wouldn't get rewarded for choosing life. For your own sake and the sake of "your offspring" I beg of you, please choose life.

It is worth connecting with other Orthodox Jews so that you can experience firsthand the life of Orthodox Judaism and all the good that it has to offer. If there is an Orthodox Jewish program on campus then attend what they offer and if your Chabad rabbi is offering Orthodox Judaism then go for it. The only ones you are benefitting are yourself and your offspring. Don't miss this opportunity because once you enter a real relationship with a woman who isn't an Orthodox Jew it becomes very difficult to choose Orthodox Judaism. It may become a missed opportunity for life.

My father grew up Conservative and chose to become Orthodox. He says that it required a lot of work but that it would be harder for him to be a non-Orthodox Jew. He is a proud Jew and he experiences constant pleasure from the life he chose. I suggest that you do the same. There will be some bumps on the road, somewhat similar to the bumps that people on GYE experience until they reach lasting freedom, but the reward in this world is immeasurable. Although I also enjoy being an Orthodox Jew, you will be able to treasure your accomplishments in a way that I who grew up Orthodox cannot. Eventually you won't want to look back. It is well worth it. 

Please let us know about future developments. We sincerely care about you. Wishing you the best decision.

How's it going, buddy?
Everything ok?

**Day 119**

I am enjoying my stay at the Ivy League Torah study program and am learning so much about my yiddishkeit.

I always imagine myself caught between the battle of two animals: a green, slippery viper and a big, strong dog. The dog represents my yetzer tov, as dogs are smart, loyal, and kind, while the viper is cold, calculating, deceptive, and sneaky, representing my yetzer hara.

I know that I need to take drastic measures to finally free myself of this affliction, but I'm afraid. One of the instructors in the program mentioned he has an app that charges him money every time he opens a dirty site. However, I'm not sure if this method will work for me because it feels coercive.

He also mentioned that there really is no need for a smartphone unless you are a busy professional. It’s really just the fear of missing out.

The problem is that my smartphone isn't all bad. I'm using it for Duolingo to learn Hebrew, Audible to read more non-fiction, and Canvas to track my activities. Plus, I can use various apps to enhance my Jewish learning, such as studying Torah or connecting with other Jewish communities.

The problem is that even if I use YouTube 90% of the time to watch educational content, maybe 10% of the time I might watch softcore porn.

The screen time settings on the phone aren't effective. They are easy to turn off as the settings are different for adults. Additionally, third-party blockers can be turned off without requiring a code. And this isn't just an issue with porn; my screen time is way too high.

Perhaps I need to be extreme. I once challenged myself to use a flip phone for a few weeks, and it was great. But then I realized that it wasn't sustainable for a secular environment.

I also don't want my future children to grow up thinking this behavior is okay. It would be unfair for whoever I marry to have to suffer the effects of this addiction. What if I get urges to masturbate or watch porn during her menstrual cleansing process before the mikva?

What should I do? I'm caught between the dog and the viper. I want the dog to win, but the viper has poison. I know that if I don't solve this problem, it could cost me my future marriage!

As a genral rule your kids will copy you and if u want them to do somthing you have to lead by example so keep that in mind...
I would say dont overextend yourself do what you can maintain at a steady pace so you can be proud of your progress in a few months... in regards to youtbe u can block websites pretty well with Covenent eyes or at least you can with webchaver (which is the same thing*).
if you are running an android phone i would reccomend trying the "lock me out" app it is a bit better then most of what the play store had to offer in terms of protection (it stops free form windows) I am sure their are also filters that can do a better job it depends how locked down u want your device would be. 

To respond to the specific idea of needing to be extreme.
in my opinion thithis fight is an endurance race so going at the fastest pace you can maintain is the way to go.

So you think I don’t need to give up my smart phone? 

lionfree wrote on 18 Jul 2024 04:31:

If you can get rid of it or filter it properly, that is ideal. So many hazards in addition to wasted time.
A word of caution, you need to be realistic with yourself that it won't trigger worse things. I'd suggest having a plan for the things you want/need and make sure you've got an idea of other ways to fill the time you would normally have spent on the phone. Voids like to be filled - better to be the one who fills it productively and not wait to see what drops in.
All the best!

lionfree wrote on 18 Jul 2024 04:31:

Yes. Of course that's just my opinion.
But I would say u should definitely filter it and set guard rails for yourself.
In the first mishnah of pirka avot it talks about building a fence around the torah ect...

Day 135

I've realized something inspirational from an unfortunate interaction in my personal life. 

I've been objectifying women without realizing it. Whether it is because I zoom in on a girl's Instagram feed, talk about a girl's parts with friends, or stare too long. 

My younger sister is well past puberty, just turned 18, and is now posting bikini pics on her Instagram. I got mad at her because I worry about another man objectifying her (and perhaps masturbating), but that’s what I’ve been doing. Of course, I didn’t bring up masturbation, but it’s what I was worried about. 

I tried to talk to her but she got angry!
she's secular and brainwashed and I was not empathetic and immature in how I expressed it! 

All the girls I’ve fantasized about are someone’s sister. 

It is impossible to masturbate without objectifying someone and thus feeling worse about yourself. 

I’ve been off porn for 5 days. And I’m proud of myself. But masturbation is tricker. But the realization I had about my sister is inspiring me to do better. 

Wether I conjure up an image in my head or look up a photo her brother would be furious. 

I wish I can impart the value of modesty onto my sister but I can't control her. But I can be a role model by serving Hashem!

Thank you. You wrote it so clearly. 
It bothers the hell out of me when people look at my wife (or I think about them looking, or worse CV).
That didn't stop me from doing what I used to do. The hypocrisy  of it all. 
You have wise thoughts, and greater yet, you are implementing it.
All the best!

lionfree wrote on 24 Jul 2024 09:12:

The way you articulated that was absolutely perfect. It really resonated with me because it's so undeniably true!

You mean even in the orthodox community people talk that way about women 

lionfree wrote on 24 Jul 2024 13:14:

Sorry. I'm not following. Talk what way?

I mean its shocking that is something you worry about in an orthodox community. I always expected this community to have more manners! 

What kind of comments are you talking about! I'm assuming she's dressed modestly so they have no excuse! Even if it wrong to talk That way about anyone! 

lionfree wrote on 24 Jul 2024 13:53:

Perhaps we had some misunderstanding? People do look and people do talk, and it's wrong. What I was conveying though was more focused on ME - I have problems and insecurity about it.

Orthodox Jews are still humans with normal human urges. It's definitely not right, but reality is that there are men that look at women more than they should (and vice versa). Modestly dressed people can still be attractive on many levels. 

I'm not implying at all that any group is a bunch of ogling lust-crazed zombies G-d forbid. Individuals struggle with lust, and that is why we are here on GYE to work on it. To think that we are high and above that when we are not, would not allow us to change and grow.