Day #6-7 March 12-13


I had a great birthday on March 12. I didn’t even ask for one. I just got one. My best friend and I went on a hike together. She planned the whole thing. She’s always there for me is a very special person in my life.

not to get everyone’s hopes up, but she’s too old for me. And I like being her friend.

I can’t remember if I masturbated that day. But I think that’s the point. I can’t remember any of the times I do these things. But I will remember that birthday for a long time.

March 13

It’s been been a week since I started recording this journey and I haven’t really made any progress. Besides, maybe understanding why I do what I do I need to get into the habit of doing the guard my eyes exercises. How many should I do every day?

I don’t really have a plan right now, besides not doing it, and I’ve been relying on the forum and My partners. 

What I realize is constantly that I’m feeling desperate. 

every once in a while, I reinstall dating and hook up apps, because I really want to have some sort of companionship. Even if it’s for a moment. 

I have more friends than I’ve ever had in my entire life, but I still remain desperate for sex but am I desperate?

I’ve gone my whole life, not giving into my urges. I’ve had one experience with a girl, but it was just kissing and heavy petting. 

I have been putting on my tefillin every day for the past week. At first I would go to the nearby Kabat house to get help but now it’s starting to become a habit. It feels weird, not putting on. 

Today I had a test and I was really stressed. I put on my tefillin and much of my anxiety went away.

In addition, I got a whole book of Gamara from a friend from Chabad. We will be studying soon. 

sometimes I wonder if I should maybe maybe try to fund short term relations, if it doesn’t feel right, then I can go on this journey with more confidence. 

my problem is that when I believe that what I’m doing is right I am able to accomplish more and it’s easier. 

When I first went on this platform, I was 100% convinced and so I went a week without masturbating. Whenever I’ve got the urge, I was able to just ignore it, but the thought of come back.

i’m tired of wondering what? If so maybe if I actually explore what if I will know what if. 

You sound like your in pain.
however I dont think you are going to get a feeling of I don't want this by having a short term relationship with a girl. It's walking deeper into the trap of the YH. And it's going to make you desires for women grow stronger. In order to find success you are going to have to minimize your relationship with women.
It doesn't matter what age interacting with women will increase your urges. The point is not to be celibate. The more you remove yourself from these things now the better more Intimate your relationship with your wife (preferably jewish) can be in the future(this goes for the woman to...)
Pirka Avot says: 1:5 "Engage not in too much conversation with women. They said this with regard to one's own wife, how much more [does the rule apply] with regard to another man's wife. From here the Sages said: as long as a man engages in too much conversation with women, he causes evil to himself, he neglects the study of the Torah, and in the end he will inherit gehinnom." 

Look its normal to want what everyone else around you has we have a desire to fit in... but if you follow the Torah and avoid this stuff you will find somthing much sweeter down the line.

My understanding of our desire for women is a function of how much you given into it the more you feed it the hungrier it gets. Not saying it's an easy to stop doing but the more you crave these relationships everyone else has the harder it will be to stay clean. 

I hope this help,
Keep going man we are rooting for you!

Having more sex in more ways more often isn't going to give you clarity about whether it is the right thing to do. The rule of the Yetzer Hora is as chazal say in the Talmud, tractate Sanhedrin 107a, "There is a small limb in man, If he starves it, it is satiated; but if he satiates it, it is starving". In other words, the more you give in to your desires the more you are going to feel that you "need" it, and the less you give in the less you will need it. In the beginning you will find it difficult and there will be challenges. You will probably feel hungrier at some point during the first few months of refraining, but eventually you will feel satiated. You will still have a desire to get married but the immediate desire to have sex will be diminished. You will always have some desire because you are human but it would be much easier to control.

Also, indulging in physical pleasure blinds the eye from making rational decisions. The Rambam writes in the introduction to the Mishna "But with the drawing of intelligence he will undertake to keep away most of the bodily pleasures because first of all the intellect will draw that the destruction of the mind is in the repair of the body and the repair of the soul is in the destruction of the body". The only rational way to judge whether you should be with women is by staying away from them for a longer period of time and being immersed in the intellectual study of the Talmud. Engaging with women will impede your intellectual capacity to make rational decisions, whereas refraining will give you the ability to "feel" intellectually and rationally which way to go is in your best interests.

Chazal also say in the Talmud tractate Yoma 39a "In the school of Rabbi Yishmael it was taught: Sin stupefies the heart of a person, as it is stated: “And do not impurify yourselves with them, so that you should not be thereby impurified” (Leviticus 11:43) Do not read that term as: “And be impurified [i]venitmetem]”; rather, read it as: And your hearts will be stupefied [i]venitamtem]". This infers that sin will make it more difficult for you to make rational decisions based on your intellectual capacity. This also infers that you will find it more difficult to understand the Talmud if you are sinning with women, masturbation, porn, phone lines, etc.

As humans, we only do something if we believe it is good for us, however, even if intellectually we might know that sin is harmful for us the Yetzer Hora fools us into believing that we are missing out by refraining from sin. He takes something bad and paints it in bright colors in order to entice us to sin. Sometimes we fall for it, believing that it will bring us happiness, etc. but it is all false. Chazal say in the Mishna tractate Avos 4:1 "Who is the happy person, the one who is happy with his lot". Desiring something which Hashem hasn't allotted to you will take away from the happiness you can achieve from following the Torah.

In today's day and age where we have instant communication and access to instant pleasures of all sorts it became more difficult for us to understand and be ready to commit to the long-term benefits of an elevated state of happiness, achievement, meaningfulness, etc. because it takes time and effort to reach them. Instead, most young people seek instant gratification. Aside for the harm this causes physically and spiritually it also robs us of the opportunity to acquire a truly happy, meaningful life. For this reason, it is useful to think of what you will be gaining immediately by refraining from sin. The two links I posted on your thread to the Aish.com website have a long list of immediate and long-term benefits from refraining from extra-marital relations and relations with non-Jews. The truth is that the long-term benefits that we only feel after refraining for a longer period of time are the greatest benefits, only that for them we have to be willing to delay immediate gratification in exchange for long-term pleasures.

I bless you that you reach clarity and that you have great success in your Torah learning. Keep growing in consistent steps, step by step, until you reach your goals. Keep on posting and sharing. Rooting for you.

Day #20

I still have occasional relapses every day, but they become less intense because I understand them more. I also have been trying to come up with a plan through the techniques of this website.

I made a PDF of all the things I can do better. Please tell me what you think.

Today I watched porn because I forgot that the filter was not set on the device. The problem with I have with filters is that they’re very easy to disable and find ways around. You can use a different browser that is buggy so that it won’t be susceptible to the filters.

But also, I get very aroused by things I see my daily life. The other day I was at Hillel and I saw this beautiful is really girl wearing something sexy. So when I got home, I fantasized about sleeping with her. 

One thing I’m trying to get myself to do more is actually look at the dark side of pornography, so I recognize that I’m not just doing disservice to myself, but a disservice to other people. I didn’t know this but a huge amount of porn stars end up, killing themselves. 

I watch ethical made by women porn, but I just think that is not what it seems. Maybe in the future, we will find out that these women been going through some other form of mistreatment and if you feel yourself getting plowed every day it’s not good for your psychology. 

Some good things that I’ve been happening is that I’m going to go to yeshiva this summer. I also am studying Gamera with a friend. I am learning to read it in The Ashkenazi style of pronunciation, which is different from my Sephardi Hebrew. But I know I’ll figure it out eventually. 


I have not yet ended this cycle, and but I  will. By the time I’m married this problem will be gone.

I think the card is great. 
great to hear you are working on/and with a plan!
happy to hear you are going to Yeshivah but I might be a bit biased because I am in one.
I think you are starting out on the path for success.  
Keep it up 

It is amazing that you will be going to Yeshiva. Wishing you success. It is also great that you see the downside of porn. This can give you the motivation to stop for good. Wishing you success on your journey.

What do you do when you see a really hot woman that is just mind-boggling attractive. You can’t get her image out of your head. How do I stop myself from doing things I shouldn’t

You start by working on the habbit of not staring. The abilty to let go of the image quicker will come later on. Be patient with yourself.

lionfree wrote on 20 Mar 2024 18:10:

A big thing that helped me was being walked through the process of  what I'm really doing by looking at women. This audio from @DOV really helped me:  guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov%20to%20Bochur%20News-story.mp3

I notice I cannot objectify or masturbate to women I know well or have admiration for. It feels weird and wrong. For example I can't do it with a girl I like partially because I know she is not going to aprove of using her image as a sexual puppet. But if it is someone I don't know it's easier to dehumanize them in that way. 

lionfree wrote on 20 Mar 2024 18:10:

The more you think about forgetting about her ....the more you think about her.   The best advice is to do something else.

It is great that you are asking your rabbi for filter solutions. It is much easier to stay away from porn with a strong filter. It is still very important to have determination not to watch porn. Are you reading The Battle of the Generation?

Lion free, have you tried talking to HHM or some other great people here? The forum has many great things to learn, but there's nothing like an open conversation with someone who understands you and the issues you are going through. And totally nonjudgmental. Maybe consider doing that
Keep us in the loop, my friend!

Day 24

For the first time recently  I could not find any enjoyment from porn. I kept trying to masturbate with and without it while switching videos nothing worked. I was almost able to stop myself and move on but I found one video that worked


I realized that porn is basically nothing. Me being away from masturbating isn’t missing anything

It’s all just an illusion.

i don’t want sexual freedom but freedom from sexuality. I think what I really want though is Brahma Charyna As the Indian gurus call it. Freedom from sexuality for a period in the pursuit of enlightenment.

i wish I could stop thinking about sex all the time even though all guys do it to varying degrees. I think that if I wasn’t so focused on masturbating and being horny I could be a bestselling author, or a widely known podcaster. Something amazing.

Then the attraction from women, will come. 


there is one girl who I have a crush on, she is Sephardi Jewish, kosher and recently broke up with her goy boyfriend. 

Because I have respect for her it is difficult and often impossible to masturbate or  lust her unless the setting is us being married. But even then it feels disrespectful. She’s a human being not a porn star (not that porn stars aren’t human but they often shed much of their humanity).

idk why I’m telling you this but I’m curious what you think.

Day 31
3/31/24

Giving up on abstinence!

Humans are sexual creatures & f*cking Is natural! To hate my sexuality is to hate myself and human nature!

I accept that porn is evil!

The effect on the performers, the viewers and the culture as a whole is devastating!

But My relationship with masturbation is more complicated!

If do it after a long happy social days it’s enjoyable, But if I do it  before I accomplishing anything I hate it. 

The problem is that porn almost inevitably is a result of Masturbation!

Using my imagination get's old fast and I need visual stimulation!

So while I can start with imagination I always return to porn!

So the real answer as I concluded many times is to quit porn, masturbation, and all unhealthy sexual behaviors!