Starting a new start. I fell and haven’t been working on this. 
tonight starts day 1. I will do everything I can to stay clean today. 

Last two weeks have been atrocious. Have a strong filter so my falls haven’t been I. Bad shmutz but still not proud at all. Bichlal have been  not super busy weeks and felt dragged out. Lead to having a lot of time and eventually falling and barley putting up a fight. Spending time trying to find ways around the filter etc. and not going on gye. A real dip. I know I can do better because I have done better. I’m at the point that I have to call someone I’m going to reach out to the person I used to speak to on gye and hopefully I’ll get back on track. 

Oish...feeling for you brother...

Can you consider also reaching out to Hashem Help Me?
In my few short months here on GYE I've seen and heard of many guys who say that one of there main decisive factors in where they are today was being in touch with the Rebbe Shlit"a HHM.

Have you also considered connecting with some of the oilam here? 
Before you, and anyone else who hasn't done so yet, dismisses my suggestion as totally ludicrous, please consider the following. 

There is obviously tremendous shame and apprehension in reaching out to a total stranger to discuss your most deepest, embarrassing failures and struggles.

Please remember, we all were there too. My personal failure and struggle may have been a slightly different flavor or shade than yours. My battle may have been one of greater intensity than yours. It may have been one of a much smaller degree too. 
We are all on this boat together, and don't forget, it may be embarrassing for me to share my struggles also. (Especially some of the older and/or more choshuve people here, it can be almost too much to bear.)

I do it, as do many others, because it can (and does) help. It is 100% mutually beneficial. As amevakesh pointed out here, and many other have mentioned many times, the power of the real friendships that can be made here is inestimable.
Please take advantage of the lifeline being thrown, and reach out. 
You wont regret it.

Please, I beg you to please consider it seriously.

funbuchur wrote on 11 Aug 2024 19:23:

Definitely reach out. If you want new people to speak to - reach out!

I assume you're on bein hazmanim now? Bochurim (or avreichim) + bein hazmanim = lethal times.

The main issue with bein hazmanim is generally increased access, and less life. Less schedule, less involvement - bein hazmanim often feels like just killing time until the next zman. That's not a healthy state of mind for this struggle. The more involved you can get in living your life the easier it'll be. 
Set some goals, organize a schedule, and live the next few weeks.

Oy, I can totally relate!!
Bein Hazmanim has for sure always been my hardest time. The long empty days, lack of fulfillment, and general low-energy mode really can get you down without much of a fight.
A couple of points which have helped me:
In general, the battle is much harder when what we feel we want is to give in rather than to win. (The main idea of TBOTG, I don't know if you've read it.) Try to instill in yourself that bein hazmanim, because of its unique challenges, can be your biggest victory! Think about how amazing you would feel succeeding despite everything stacked against you. Feel that this is your opportunity for greatness. This is much more effective if done before you start to feel an urge, like if you start every day with these thoughts. 
It might also help to regularly learn from sefarim which discuss this nisayon, like V'Haer Eineinu or others. (I just discovered yesterday the kuntrus From Bochur to Bochur, highly recommended! Also check out a few letters from the Steipler in Kreina D'Igresa Vol. I, letters 11-12 I think.) It keeps us feeling that it's not actually hefker and we can't really do everything we want and just say, whatever. Learning about the inyanim also might help to feel that we're above the nisayon, to be nichshal is beneath us.
Structuring your day more clearly can also only help, but ein hachi nami that's its own challenge.
And lastly, please do reach out for help!!! That's what's made all the difference for me. You'll see, all the chevra here are really really interested in helping, no one looks down on anyone else, and it's a tool you can only realize how powerful it is once you try it!! 
Rooting for you and feeling your pain,
Yekusiel*

I haven’t posted in a while but wanted to give an update. 
Finally I reached out to Hhm and I’m doing the 30 day challenge in at day 10 and so far it’s going great. I know it might just be a pink cloud first two weeks, but now that i have someone to contact and be accountable it’s really helpful. Thank you to all those who encouraged me to reach out, took guts and was scary but definitely worth it.

Yay!!! Rooting for you and wishing you tons and tons of success! Super brave move on your part, you should be really proud of yourself for going out of your comfort zone and putting yourself out there. Keep up the good work!
Yekusiel

In the spirit of the name if the thread yesterday was 14 days! Not that this is the end or even close but accomplishing 14 days is big!
and I only realized now that I started a couple days before Rosh Chodesh. Imagine an elul of wins(and tishrei and every month after that). 

Day 19 
on the one hand 19 days feels like a lot but on the other hand it didn’t feel like 19 days this time is different I know if I have a strong urge I have somewhere to turn to help defuse it and I know I can do it and I don’t Need this shmutz at all. I’ll be totally fine if I don’t look… 

Hi, 

I read through all 16 pages! 

I wish there was a way to get rid of this yetzer harah. 
I haven't cracked the code yet. 
I don't know if it will be possible untill we are serious numbers into the streak. Seems to be that the early goal is 90. 


However I did notice something. 
You seem to go on streaks of 15,20,30 days, I even saw a 60 day streak. 
Just think to yourself, when was the last time you went that many days consecutively, clean. 
I would imagine it was a long time ago.

Think to yourself that you can have falls, but there are very often 20-30 days in-between them. 
I believe that is a tremendous accomplishment. 

3 weeks ago, I couldn't go 12 hours without falling. 
Now I'm on my 19th day. 
I feel that there is some hope. 

I also reached out to HHM and spent a lot of time with him. 

I'm also reaching out to other members of the group. 

Don't give up. 

Do 20 days, then another 30, then 20 then maybe you can hit 50 or 60. 
And if you fall, just repeat. 

Never give up. 
Look at some of the people here who's lives were a disaster before they fixed themselves. 

Any time you feel the beginning of a fall, (once you are a professional like me with 20 years of experience, you can usually smell them coming from 40 miles away) reach out to your friends here who are rooting for you, who are believing in you. Who cares about you, who you can talk to in a way that maybe no other person can. 

DONT GIVE UP. 
TRY TRY AND TRY AGAIN.

funbuchur wrote on 19 Sep 2024 15:31:

Love this post!
This is the stuff of true growth...

KOMT!!

odyossefchai wrote on 19 Sep 2024 16:51:

Wow read the whole thread!. Hope it didn’t bore you. 
I’m sure you already read all the ups and downs. Hopefully soon you’ll read about reaching the summit. 
Thank you. 

Day 22
I’ve had a lot of streaks of different amounts some times even pretty long streaks but most of the time I had in the back of my mind that I will fall eventually. I think that was one reason why I couldn’t do it, I didn’t have the confidence that it was actually possible. Even through the streaks I saw on the horizon a big urge with no escape route I knew it would come eventually. This time I’m not scared I’m equipped with people to call and help defuse the situation. 

funbuchur wrote on 23 Sep 2024 01:35:


Absolutely did not bore me. 
I'm seeing a lot of my own struggles in other people's stories. 
I'm fascinated by your strength and resilience. It's easy to fall, but it's not easy to keep getting back up when you don't always have the strength. But you seem to know how to get up no matter how many falls. 
Don't stop getting up after falls. 
KOT

Day 31!!
Thought I should share that yesterday was day 30 very big accomplishment. 
starting off תשפה in the right way. Hopefully I can keep this up and keep on going from strength to strength. Thanks for everyone here a big help in more ways than you can imagine. Ok you probably can imagine.