Stealing a moment for a check in on this very busy shavous eve.

Very grateful for the first sefira I've traveled through clean in a very long time.

Ayyy, it wasn't totally clean? Ayyy at the end I dropped the ball and spent a day watching porn?

At the end of the day, it was a radically different sefira and a journey of closeness to some extent. Still on the road, but grateful to Hashem for carrying me forward down the path. 

Ihave whatto say about "opportunities" and that bad day. But another time. 

Checking in.

Some days I feel like I'm cruising along. And some days I really just want to go to work but find myself stuck in front of the computer lusting. Wanna bet what today was?

What's a technical fall? Saw some porn so I guess that's a technical fall by GYE standards. It's not what I want to be doing and I felt totally out of control, so I guess that's a fall by my standards. But I didn't masturbate so it's not a fall by the somewhat arbitrary standard I set my counter by. I do think there's a certain value in using that as a tracker, as long as I can drive home to myself that if I don't clean up my act it's inevitable that I'll end up masturbating. Soon. 

Shavous was actually very nice. But I feel like I'm falling right back to where I was the day before the sheloshes yemai hagballah. Not in a good place.

Came two hours late to work today. I lied and said I wasn't feeling well and fell asleep. The being sick is true at least lol. I don't like this.

Now I should be going home but stayed to indulge a little more. When I get home no doubt I'll lie and say it was a busy day (which is partially true - when you come two hours late things get busy.) But I could've left an hour ago . . . I don't like this either. 

For all that I still feel optimistic. Not confident, but optimistic. 

Hmmm. What else is going on?

I'm noticing an occasional pattern of looking for excuses to indulge. Staying up late so I can claim weakness the next day to give in. Noticing that I still don't have a healthy way to handle work stress/boredom. Noticing that I can be on a call talking to a guy and giving/getting chizzuk and still engage in lust towards the women walking by.

Also noticing moments of kedusha here and there. Moments of changed attitudes and changed habits. Moments where life and death hang and I chose life (occasionally). 

So it goes. 

I remain, sometimes crawling, sometimes sliding, sometimes flying awkwardly, and sometimes curling up into a ball and dying slowly, but always feeling

Shem

And always have a way with words. You and CO should write a book!

Choose, thanks for the update. Sorry if this has been discussed already, but is there anything to do for your work computer to block things better?

Hatzlacha!