HardButPossibleLetsgoNachamul! JourneyCount..Day1

So I, emesayid, failed. Today was a completion of a long streak (3months roughly) sadly, It bothers me to express but am awaking a new journey. I need the oilam's help again, please help with the chizuk, I am still down, but I know posting will help and I will get back a new within some time. I love you hashem and I will shtiegh and pass through this hard nisayon, although it's a very hard time for me now, tomorrow I will hopefully look back and see the heligha kiroyvim here and help, with my tefilos which can bring help from you. I will do this bzras hashem 90days bzchus one to have children, I will be more involved to shtigh! Hashem you are here with me and I can give people chizuk, to give myself is hard but am trying my best. To the chasuvey oilam, I am sorry I thought I was a gibor but realized today I am not, I am down and it hurts I know I am temporarily going through this darkness, but this nisayon will pass through soon!
 Hatzlacha to me - emesayid, you will look back and pat yourself at the end of this all bzh! Keep making Tati Proud He is watching down at you!

My dear friend, you are mistaken. You ARE a gibbor! For being here, for fighting all this time, for almost 3 months clean, and for coming right back! You know, when a soldier gets wounded in battle he's a war hero, and his country will forever remain indebted, they will always honor him. Will anybody think that he's less of a gibbor?! In the war against the YH we will get wounded. We have to get that deep into our mind. Nobody is perfect. We have to try our best, but we have to know from the outset, we will get wounded. Ever since Yaakov's fight with the malach of Eisav, which is the YH, we know that there will be a wound. That's why we remember the gid hanasha. We have to remember that we are soldiers in the battlefield, ain't nobody looking down at you because look how badly you're wounded.... just keep shooting, will ya! Remember that the days that you were clean are not lost, one day clean is one day clean, it's yours forever and ever. The YH wants you to think that they are gone, you kick him in the pants and know that nothing you will ever do will take away what you have accomplished. My friend, keep that chin up and keep trucking! Let us know how you are, we care about you, we want to hear from you

How are you celebrating the almost 3 months? seriously, no joke. It calls for something quite major.

Eerie wrote on 15 Jan 2023 08:06:

This put me to tears, I was last night not affected to feel anything, besides negative and bad. But after a morning seder and davening, and some time I can open my eyes more, yet it's still devastating. If only... is what goes through my mind, I am stronger just bshas zeh, what can I say, yetzer harah I would've and could've but didn't... Thanks Eerie

Hashem Help Me wrote on 15 Jan 2023 12:26:

Not much, and I can't celebrate a victory after a loss. Maybe before makes more sense, now it's just unbearable. Thanks for coming back out to me Hhm, I owe you alot, right now is not gishmak, but will get there again soon, bzh. 

Day1done

How are you doing, my friend? How have the last few days been? We care for you, and we want to hear from you, so let us know where you are holding. Keep trucking!

Eerie wrote on 19 Jan 2023 00:28:

Thanks for reaching out, I am a bit better, still not solving the issue, bz"h I want to encourage  myself maybe read some from the book over shabbos, and hopefully I will be fully confident and up and running again. It is crazy how our feelings get changed by instant mindsets!! Gut Shabbos Eerie

Update fell Wednesday, I have such strong yetzer hatov and ratzon flies through the roof, so for all the perfectionist I want to achieve I am willing to think about it to a level of this is so possible and yet by every end of the week goes by and I’m like what in the world just happened, I need to do constant awareness of what I am all about, who I am, get a notebook start writing a bit. I am just in that day ja vu where life repeats daily weekly monthly and I feel I can then at the end don’t. What’s with this in me! You have such a strong koach to strengthen yet at the end weither it be a week or day, you go back down.
im not meyaeshed as I thought after my fail after hitting that 90 but at the same token I jus to don’t get it, I mean I’m a bachur and can brainstorm a bit to actually in understand that maybe it stems from tayvos when quiet time comes and boredom appears, or at times it’s just a peak at a video of the chas veshalom ytube where I thought (repeatedly knew yet bshaas maaseh unaware) it wasn’t too bad, I need to fill sometime let me spend some time like I have in my past and maybe it can be a productive thing, and we all know where that ends up leading…. So now what do I say to myself… I had enough I’m fully in? Or one step at a time yet somehow after 3 days may fall again… it gets very frustrating and When I think there’s a easy mehaslech I’m just foolish to consider and believe it fully so I end up stumbling. Hatzlacha emesayid, any feedback from my ramble would be appreciative, I need a talk probably, yet although when that happens I feel many times inspired but then again I have ba’alos yet so again same pickle… Hashem where are you, you are here yet you aren’t when I fail? Obviously you are everywhere but out of frustration and close headedness I can’t seem to think of nor wish to know you are by my hand.

Just want to take a step back.. You are a bachur and you completed 3 months clean.. do you know how incredible that is? how many Bachurim right now would give anything to go a week let alone 3 months. That is truly amazing and i agree with HHM it demands some sort of celebration. At a minimum you can put a line in the sand and say i did 3 months so i can do it again..

If you have time I highly recommend listening to this shiur.. www.yutorah.org/lectures/lecture.cfm/1029668/rabbi-moshe-weinberger/address-at-ncsy-teen-boys-fabrengen/ I find with such shiurim its not enough to listen to it just once, it needs a few times to sink in but the message there will definately address how you are feeling (and how we all feel) after a fall and also how to get up.

May Hashem grant you much Siyaata Dishmaya and you should be Matzliach in this battle to live a holy and beautiful life.

Wishing you a wonderful shabbos.

Hi my friend, the true Jew! How are you? How's it going? Let us know where you are at

Hey there haven't been on, but been doing a lot of self contemplations of mehalchim, regarding the whole negative vibe earlier I am way better, Bzh I will get back to being fully there, I have no doubt of not being able to do it, I have done it many times before. This is just a small update, Baruch Hashem day at a time, the main struggle I have is figuring of what I can do on my breaks off time, time before I sleep , I will try a bit later to explain with detail, hopefully I will be  clear. Thanks taheleibenu Hhm and Eerie, and geshmak, always great to see the oilam reaching out, it is very warming and encouraging, will in touch soon bz"h !

Happy to hear, brother! Keep it up and keep us posted. We are rooting for you, we care about you, and we want to hear how are doing. Keep trucking!

Hey, I read this, some online book I heard with some computer audio, still had an effect on me, it was very helpful to help with the inyan. Here's the link if anyone wants it easypeasymethod.org/easypeasy.pdf

Nachamul keep at it say at a time, know what you decide, what are you putting yourself into if you lead the other derech, Baruch HaShem the oilam is here with almost too much supply of resources and because of that, find yourself what inspires you and create that world the whenever you may feel an urge to flee- catch and hold on with all dear might, Heaven Forbid it gets there. I love you all keep up each one of you on your strive and with hashem a help, we can all accomplish this weither that mean small accomplishments or big ones, keep up ur growthful shteighing!!!