שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 01 Nov 2022 02:59:

My dear chaver (and i mean that buddy - no sarcasm), I do not believe that it is possible that one can watch pornography and state it does not affect the way one relates to marriage. Yes, one can still be a mensch and maybe even give his wife what she needs, but it is impossible that his brain remains in the right place. Our subconscious minds are extremely powerful. We are blinded by the "background programming" that we "downloaded". Even if when we are with our wives, we don't actually conjure up previously viewed images (which most guys will admit unfortunately does happen), our focus, desire, and style - even if controlled - are coming from an evil, sick, selfish, and filthy place. Bringing down a neshama, and being intimate with one's wife has to be pure, holy, giving (celebrating together), and uplifting.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 01 Nov 2022 11:31:

I know you do! You have been so helpful to me in this process and I invite your feedback and pushback.


Let me clarify then. I am not fixated on pornography and masturbation to the point that I am irritable with or abusive towards my family if I don't get my way. I'd rather not get my way! I have not neglected any familial responsibilities. My wife doesn't need to seek help and support because I am emotionally unavailable to her and our children. When interfacing with my family, I don't think about pornography/masturbation and when I am going to get my next fix. In fact, I don't think about pornography and masturbation during the day at all (except if I am saying vidui). This thing creeps up on me if I am awake and alone at night. My urges get the best of me and I act out. 

In terms of what you wrote about intimacy, I agree, that damage was done along time ago even before I was married (even before I decided to observe halacha at 18), and I continue to bring that upon myself. However, for whatever reason, that is not an impetus for me to change and that was the point of my previous post. I hope to one day divorce myself from the immorality of it all, but I am on this forum to be honest, and I am being honest that it doesn't drive me to change. The various statements and principles in Chazal and Jewish tradition about my hand ought to be chopped off, I am liable for misoh bidei shomayim, and all of the tum'ah and destruction that I am bringing upon myself, my home, and the world don't make enough of a practical difference to me. I wish they would. I wish I could have the same reaction to masturbation as I do with tiltul muktzeh and forgetting morid hageshem, but I don't. And again, that damage was done along time ago.

Before I can address relating to pornography and masturbation as immoral, disgusting, evil, etc. I need to stop the behaviors.

In my comments I was not referring to our view of masturbation. I was stating that it is (nearly) impossible for one to actively watch pornography (or be heavily active in lustful masturbation) and then have the pure mind one is supposed to have when in bed with his wife.

Regarding the severity of masturbation in Chazal, and therefore our almost inability to rectify the issue due to our feeling that "we are a lost cause anyway", speak to the rabbonim of our generation for clarification, 

All good since last post. Posting here to keep myself accountable. 

Day #4.

Posting here to fulfill my resolution to post daily (except Friday) for thirty days. The extra involvement in GYE and texting has helped me stay accountable. 

Day #7.

All good since last post. Continuing to post for accountability. 

Day #8. Another daily post.

Day #9. Another daily post.

Pressing the no falls button on GYE brought me to 900 cumulative clean days since I joined GYE at the end of January 2020. Definitely not a perfect record, but on my own I don't think I'd have even 550 clean days since January 2020. Maybe even fewer than that. I am grateful for the accomplishment and I am only hoping that I continue to use the tools available to me to help me say no to pornography and masturbation.

Day #10. Daily post for accountability.

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 08 Nov 2022 00:16:

900 cumulative days. That’s significant and I hope you are proud of that. Just so you know, I never really thought about the cumulative — I’ve always been an “all or nothing thinker” which is unhealthy thinking. So by you pointing out the cumulative, you caused me to reframe how I see success and I will be able to feel better about myself in the future as a result of your post. So thank you, it means a lot. May this streak be the last one you ever record. But if it’s not, you are accumulating a lot of nachas in shamayim!

TG

Day #1.

Had a fall last night.

In short, I work in healthcare and need to document each patient encounter/interaction. Often those of us in healthcare have to do documentation after hours. My work devices are unfiltered. My plan was to work after my chavrusa and maariv. That was really late (think 11:00PM). I was the only one awake at home. I was not interested in being productive at that late hour. I started looking around for distractions, saw something, and that was that.

The daily posts and texts worked. I got nine complete days free of pornography and masturbation. It is hard for me to work--or do anything for that matter--at night after I have expended my day's energy. I didn't end up getting work done anyway. I do have to do some work after hours, but my loose resolution is no later than 7:00PM (I say loose because 7:30 or 8:00 wouldn't be so bad). Any outstanding work will have to wait for the next morning and practically that is what happened this morning. If I would've needed to look for distractions on my personal filtered computer, I don't think I would've fallen last night. 

So...
1. Daily posts
2. Daily texts
3. Work devices away at 7:00PM

Now, here I share with you all a humongous win. Despite my great success with GYE and the contact who I text, HHM, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed after a fall. I don't share on GYE right away and I don't text right away. That has been my pattern. I shared today. I wanted this to be one fall and move on. Not a series of falls. I texted HHM early afternoon when I had a break and then went into a building to do some of my work. There were sights there that made me think about my last night's fall and doing it again. However, since I had just texted HHM for accountability and shared about the fall, I had the setup in place for me to say no.

In summary, nine complete clean days in a row, got to learn more about myself and nights both practically and as they relate to this struggle, and I got a huge win on the rebound day.

Wonderful work. @sheva yipol tzaddik
I also have the same challenge at night. Im actually going to bh curb my computer usage at night. Because after a long day, all I want is, a cold beer, a warm blanket and just one peek at something that anyways isn't too bad...................So im going to have to curb my night usage. Even for Gye. Its going to be hard as im not going to have as much time to interact with all you wonderful people. But that's what Hashem wants.

Human being wrote on 10 Nov 2022 03:13:

Will miss your insights at night…try to keep us updated during the day if you can. You know I’m always pushing for your ultimate success and happiness!!!

Day #1.

Successfully put my work devices away yesterday. I did a work out after 9:00PM last night, was pretty wired, and found it difficult to wind down. Had an urge. I had an internal struggle around going into my closet, taking out my work bag, and accessing whatever I wanted to on those unfiltered devices. Between my resolve, my accountability through texts and posts, and help from On High, I said no! So, big win on that front. I actually said no. However, I ended up masturbating before I went to sleep (without visual materials). Proud of the win. Moving on from the loss.

Today, I had the work schedule issue that I mentioned in a previous post. I did not push off my work until 10:00PM because, as I wrote above, I wouldn't get work done anyway and I would just snoop around on the unfiltered device. I worked until a little bit after 5:30PM, got to a good stopping place, shut off my devices, and put them away for the night. I am posting here for accountability and will text after pressing "submit."

Thanks for reading and commenting. It really helps.

Day #2.

Posting for accountability.