Came home and put my work devices away. I am affirming that I do not want to look at pornography and/or masturbate ever again. Those behaviors do not align with who I want to be as a person.

Day #3.

Came home from work today. Put my work bag with my work devices away. Texted my GYE contact for accountability. Posting here.

Interesting thing about my struggle. I have never gone online and looked at pornography on Shabbos. I won't turn on a device and handle a phone or computer on Shabbos. It isn't an option. I have no urge to do it because it doesn't even enter into the realm of possibility. After looking at pornography and masturbating for some 20 years, unfortunately for me, it is an option. Will I ever experience looking at pornography and masturbating the same way as I experience turning on a computer on Shabbos? Maybe. Maybe not. I just don't want to do it! Those are not behaviors that the person who I want to be does...ever.

I wrote earlier in this thread that one of the sadder parts of my struggle was that I would have falls on Motzei Shabbos or even worse, Motzei Yom Kippur (or if lucky, the days between Yom Kippur and Sukkos when we are supposed to be too busy to sin and not on Motzei Yom Kippur itself). Since I joined GYE, my long streaks have always overlapped with this time of year, Chanukah, and/or Pesach. Since joining GYE, I have never had to experience the dissonance of finding myself looking at pornography and masturbating during a sacred season. Thankfully, I did not fall on Leil Selichos, this past Motzei Shabbos, but still did so in the days just before Rosh Hashanah. My hope is that I will look back after Simchas Torah with 30 clean days behind me and from Rosh Hashanah through the end of yontif, I will not have to experience that dissonance. I am going to do the work. Find ways to hold myself accountable and keep the deterrents in place.

Motzai Yom Kipur, etc can be challenging for many. One needs to learn how to self regulate after having emotional highs. Much has been written about this on other threads.

Day #9.

Looking at pornography and/or masturbating is not an option. 

Day #12.

Day #14.

גמר חתימה טובה

love you buddy

Day #17.

Pornography and masturbation. Not an option. Period.

Keep up the great work!! I love hearing that you are doing well! You are an inspiration!
May you continue having hatzlacha in your fight!
-ftc

Day #2. Will post more about my ups and downs the last couple of weeks. 

Day #0.

I have had a lot of falls since Simchas Torah. This last week has basically been as bad as pre-joining GYE. I have become lazy with my struggle (I hope to write about that in the next days). The following is my resolution for the next 30 days.

1. I am not going to search/view/watch anything that is meant to arouse.
2. I am not going to masturbate.
3. I am going to post here and text my GYE contact daily (except for Friday).

I am going to end this post with some encouragement for myself. I have documented 891 cumulative clean days on this website since January 2020. That is awesome! I never thought that I could do that and because of my experience, I know that getting back on track is within reach.

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 30 Oct 2022 18:53:

We’re all pulling for you!!

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 30 Oct 2022 18:53:

Day #892

I know how you feel. Please push past it. It's worth every bit of the pain.

All good since last post.

Posting and staying active on this forum and texting my GYE contact work for me. What happened these last couple of months is that I get to 2-3 weeks and then I feel like I have graduated. I don't need to post and text everyday or regularly. The following is sort of a free-write around why that might be so.

I don't want to be active on GYE. I don't want to text an accountability contact. I want to be able to say "no" to pornography and masturbation on my own. When I get to 2-3 weeks, I become confident in myself. Confidence is a good thing, but not when it causes me to break with my plan that got me to that point.

I am part of GYE because of my resolve to practice Jewish law. My pornography and masturbation struggles have not caused me any harm. I have never had my employment threatened. I have never spent even a dime on satisfying my desires. I truly don't think that the way I relate to my marriage and family has suffered because of it. Sure I have stayed up later because of it and been more tired the next day than I ought to have, but that is really the extent of it. So, in other words, I don't have an external impetus to address my struggle. It is only coming from within and because of my conviction that addressing this and staying away from these behaviors is how I properly serve G-d. Even in that, I am at the point in my life where if I spend 15-20 minutes engaged in these vices, my reaction is one of disappointment, but I also realize how minor those minutes are compared to the hours upon hours of good that I do. Not a whole lot is pushing me to change right now. I am not desperate.

Still, I want to live up to my values. I want to be the person who I want myself to be. I am letting myself down. I am letting G-d down. I certainly continue to run the risk of having my pornography watching and masturbating exposed to my wife or even my children. I definitely don't want that.

For all the years that I have viewed pornography and masturbated when I didn't want to anymore, my hope has always been to one day be able to say "no" on my own. Graduate from the problem. Kill the yetzer hara. Today, I am changing my hope. I don't need that. My hope is to one day be able to say "no" with the various tools and contacts that are at my disposal. That is my goal now. I will be more than at peace if I die and go to meet my Maker knowing that I stayed away from pornography and masturbation even if it meant that I had to be involved with GYE or text/call others who have/had similar struggles.

Here's to realizing our limitations and reaching out for help!

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 01 Nov 2022 02:59:

Wow. That was amazing. Thank you for writing all that. Hatzlacha (for us all!)