i like your nickname

Day #10.

I am struggling right now, as I write this post, with an urge to experience sexual pleasure. I texted my GYE contact. I am posting here.

What is my motivation? I can "fall" and not get caught by anyone in real-life. I can "ghost" my GYE contact and stop logging into this website. As much as my faith is that G-d cares that I don't indulge in forbidden sexual pleasures, that faith is not making a difference right now in my experience. Here is my actual motivation right now: If I will wake up tomorrow morning and find out that I am living my last day, I will be at peace if I know that I didn't look at pornography and masturbate the night before I died. On the other hand, I will be ticked off at myself and sad if my last night in this world was spent in familiar "fall" mode.

All good last night!

great!

Day #12.

wow a real inspiration for me not to give up 

Day #14.

Interesting thought that I had today. A nuance. In the heat of the moment, at the height of an urge, I don't find it hard to say "no." The hard part is "now what?" What activity can I do in that moment that will give me a sense of satisfaction, pleasure, inner peace, sense of accomplishment, meaning, or whatever it is? That to me is the hard part. The urge to look at explicit material and masturbate is so strong and, in the moment, I can't think of anything that will address my need.

This is why keeping busy has been such an important part of my dealing with the struggle, but it is not enough to say in the heat of the moment, "I better keep busy." That just has never worked for me. One of my other struggles is that when I have a lot to do, I get overwhelmed and end up not being on top of my responsibilities. Breaking down my obligations into small manageable pieces and then going through the list one by one has been helpful in the arena of productivity. Through being on task and feeling like I am accomplishing, I have also avoided having moments or periods of urges. And that is what I am going to do tonight. A to-do list!

I struggled last night, but I persevered and said "no." I feel a sense of accomplishment today for resisting the urge. Each time I say "no," I am reinforcing for myself that there is another option when I get an urge (namely, not doing it). Each time I successfully say "no," I am reinforcing for myself that looking at pornography and masturbating is forbidden and doesn't have to be normal behavior for me.

Yeah. I said "no" last night and I feel good about it!

Hero!!

Had a "fall." It is not back to day one for me. All of those triumphs in the last two weeks over the urge to look at explicit material and pornography are mine forever. The measly minutes of time that I spent falling--while unfortunate--are a blip compared to the triumphs of the last two weeks.

Still, day one on the streak counter.

It took me a while to feel that way, but you are 100% correct. Every day that you "win" is your win forever. All life is, is a collection of days. They all add up to your life. Great job!

I had a fall last night. More importantly though, I resisted and triumphed over the weekend and yesterday.

What went wrong?
- Unstructured alone time. I did not heed the advice of my previous post about organization and breaking down my responsibilities into achievable tasks. When I came home from my chavrusa last night at 10:00, I had nothing and everything to do. I needed some direction. Something like, "okay, I can't do this, this and, this tonight, but I can do this tonight." Or, "I already did this and that earlier tonight. Time to call it a day." I feel accomplished when I am productive, even at such a late hour. That sense of purpose helps me in this struggle.
- No communication with my GYE contact. I should've sent a text.
- Had my work computer and work phone right out on my desk. Over the weekend, I put my work computer and work phone into my work bag and put it all away in a closet. Believe it or not, that actually helped. I couldn't believe it myself! It was an extra step. It was almost like, for those learners here, the concept of sprinkling ash on the fire before Shabbos to permit leaving food on into Shabbos (according to רוב ראשונים ). The concept known as קטומה and the source of the blech concept. Putting the ash on the fire on Friday and then seeing it later on Shabbos when you come back is a reminder that you cannot mess around with the fire. No stoking the coals. The simple act of putting my work devices away in my work bag and then putting the bag into the closet was a reminder to myself that I don't want to fall. And on Saturday night and Sunday when I had an urge or a thought, I actually was able to use the fact that the bag was in the closet as a deterrent. I was surprised that it actually worked. I wouldn't rely on it, but it is another tool in the toolbox. I finished work at home yesterday late afternoon and didn't put my devices away. They were right there on my desk.

As I write the above, I realize that the main "what went wrong" is that I didn't take the struggle seriously yesterday and yesterday evening. In the last 2.5 years, I have been able to downsize the struggle. It doesn't define me. It isn't me. That is priceless work that has helped me in many ways besides just getting long streaks. Still, I need to make sure that not making as big a deal out of it doesn't make me apathetic towards it. This morning, I am affirming that 1) Looking at pornographic materials and masturbating do not align with my values and 2) I struggle with those two things. I don't want to look at pornography and I don't want to masturbate ever again.

Plan:
- Plan my nights.
- Text my GYE contact. I set a reminder alarm to go off at 8:30PM.
- Put my work devices away in my work bag after work.
- Continue to be active on this forum.

You continue to inspire us

!צדיק וקם

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 20 Sep 2022 13:35:

Work devices stowed away!

Day #1.

All good last night!