What you are experiencing is extremely normal and expected. My assumption is that it is not lust related - rather a thirst for the warmth and intimacy of healthy marriage. Face it - there is an actual relationship. You have shared personal vulnerabilities, been mechazek each other, and look forward to becoming a couple - with the dream of having an atmosphere of shalom bayis and great kedusha - reminiscent of Adam and Chava before they were divided into 2 separate entities. 

It is advisable during an engagement to follow the guidelines of your community/rebbeim that minimize time spent with the kallah for this reason. (And other wise reasons).  When one has gedarim - dates and phone calls are not endless - it is less of a tease and easier to stay in control.

After all is said and done, your subconscious is going to cause your daydreams to head in that direction. As was advised by others, get busy with things that are meaningful and exciting to you that will overpower and distract. 

All in all, you are a hero and an inspiration for many guys here. You will b'ezras Hashem walk down to your chupa proud and peaceful, with none of the confusion, guilt, and warped ideas so many others get married with. You know why you are getting married and have rewired your brain about intimacy. Your chupa and future life will be enveloped in kedusha and therefore in simcha as well. To an extent - an angel among men.

Day #120

I’m so grateful to Hashem for making it this far, bezh it will continue.

I hope I’ll have time for a longer post one of these days, just wanted to check in here. 

I’m in touch with many guys offline, feel free to reach out if you wanna join my Rolodex

Day #127 (P), Day #0 (M):

Yeah, I fell. Keeping two counts will probably be annoying, not sure I'll write them out in every single post.

Things have been hectic and stressful and busy. Trying my best to prepare for the wedding mentally, emotionally and most of all-spiritually. It's difficult to stay focused, and to overcome my perfectionist, all-or-nothing mindset, which usually surfaces especially when I'm supposed to be growing and working on myself. I don't know how it works in other communities, but in Chabad the engagement period is considered a very important time for spiritual work, Teshuva etc. I'm pretty overwhelmed by the intensity of it all, which is hindering my ability to take advantage of it.

How I fell: Went to take a pre-YT shower. I've been experiencing mild pain in my groin area, and I convinced myself that it was due to all my pent up sexual energy (I'm not sure I was wrong about that, it seemed to have worked....). So after a few minutes of fighting, I gave in. BH I was not using visual stimuli or thinking about other women, veda"l. So I still have an impressive porn-free streak.

I did fall victim to the what-the-heck effect, deciding that if I already lost my streak may as well indulge. I ended up doing it several times over what was a pretty stressful and difficult three day YT. 

Needless to say I felt very disappointed with myself. Breaking a long streak has this way of disabusing you of the notion that you somehow fundamentally changed yourself, that you're a better person now. It's all BS-I'm gonna have a weakness for lust my whole life. It's hard not to become cynical and disilusioned with the seemingly futile and constant battle we have to wage. It's really unfair and I'm pretty mad at G-d for programming us this way. Like c'mon. 

Please let me vent without pelting me with Chizuk and Marei Mekomos. I know that Hashem derives so much pleasure from us overcoming the struggle even temporarily and its so important and beautiful blah blah blah.

I hope I can brush myself off and get back on my horse and come to my wedding as a halbeh-mentch, not disgusted with myself for my inability to practice sexual discipline and generally have some level of self-respect.

I'm in a very bad mood for reasons other then my recent falls. I'm sure it's coming a cross. If you have my number feel free to call and cheer me up or send me funny memes. Thanks!

OivedElokim

128:

For now I'm just gonna be posting my p*rn streak at the start of each post (my mz"l one is visible on my profile).

Another rough day, though I fixed some of the mistakes I made yesterday. In short-my relationship with my father is extremely contentious, avoidant and generally bad. I said something around him yesterday that set him off, and a war of words ensued. I texted him things I shouldn't have. I apologized today. 

Trying to get some work done now. Productivity usually helps lower my stress levels.

Tryna stay positive and upbeat, it's hard though. However, I'll never give up.

All the best,
OivedElokim

Just had a close call, nearly fell again. Pulled back in time, gonna stay strong. I'm gonna call a GYE friend tonight.

All the best,
OE

Feeling for you bro. The good news is, I know, and you know, that you can do it.

Here’s to your defeat of the damned beast - forever. 

With brotherly love,
Muttel

135

I've been struggling with negative thoughts, anxiety and mild depressive symptoms for the past week. The thought of all the responsibilities that come with marriage, especially financial, have been a great source of stress. And as we all know, the temptation to soothe myself through porn and masturbation is strong.

I feel wrong to be feeling like this, I should be on top of the world now. But wishing feelings away doesn't make them go away.

I need to train myself to think more positively, to be more optimistic, and to believe in my own competence. And I will. I don't seem to have another choice.

All the best,
OivedElokim

Your feelings of foreboding are spot on.

Bennyh wrote on 28 Oct 2024 20:36:

Emes demands that negativity is given its due, but not more than that. 

Yes. There are genuine stressors that come with married life. Financial interpersonal etc. etc. Some of those really suck. 

But 1) Forget about lo raisi tzadik n'ezav. I have never seen anyone starve to death. Odds are you'll be okay. Nosein lechem l'chal basar.

2) In 99% of situations, the joy of marriage more than makes up for all those stressors. "When the love was strong we could sleep on the blade of a knife." (Try not to screw things up and the end of that quote won't apply   ). 

3) Rav Simcha Wasserman used to say, "In any given situation ask yourself if there is anything I can do about it. If there is, do it. If there's not, stop worrying about it." Easier said than done.

chosemyshem wrote on 28 Oct 2024 20:58:

Counterpoint: See the first chapter of Mesilas Yesharim:

Indeed, you can see that no rational person can possibly believe that the purpose of man's creation is for his existence in this world. For what is man's life in this world? Who is truly happy and content in this world? "The days of our life are 70 years, and if by strength, 80 years, yet their span is but toil and trouble" (Ps. 90:10).

How many sorts of distress and sicknesses, pain and burdens, and after all that death! Not one in a thousand can be found to whom this world has granted plenty of pleasures and true contentment. And even such a person, if he reaches the age of a hundred years, already [is as one who already] passed and disappeared from the world.

chosemyshem wrote on 28 Oct 2024 20:58:

This was helpful. It gave me some hope and perspective.

I believe G-d wants us to always be happy. I also believe he doesn't ask to do impossible things. So even though I don't see how it's possible I'll work hard to find a way. 

I've overcome worse bouts of depression before, I think I can do this.

Bennyh wrote on 28 Oct 2024 21:10:

In perspective this should teach humility and acceptance, not hopelessness.

Kol Tov Brother

136

Feeling a bit better now, BH. Hoping to keep trending upwards. I know I have what it takes to get through this and to successfully build a beautiful Jewish home, where peace reigns and where Hashem will dwell.

(not entirely) Random question: Does anyone know any mekoros in Judaism about affirmations?

חייב אדם לומר בשבילי נברא העולם?

@Richtig, I love your signature so much! (I wasn't raised with Harry Potter, we were too frum for that)