Just checking in. I'm busy thank G-d. 

I wanted to share the following song that really resonates with me, I've been listening to it a lot. I hope you all enjoy!:

THE SEARCH- Shalsheles Junior- Composed by Chanie Obermeister,
Lyrics by Esther Cagen & Seymour Rockoff A”H- Shalsheles Jr. 1 (Orig. Recorded on JEP 2)

I search and I wander, lost and alone,
My friend’s but a shadow, and no place my home.
The sun shines so strongly, but I cannot see,
The road is too steep with no passage for me.

I’m merely a child, but inside I’ve grown old,
The world cannot touch me, for each touch is cold.
The warmth that I search for is nowhere in sight,
I see only sorrow, I see only night.

A voice came to greet me, extending its heart,
A voice pleading softly, “do not stand apart”,
A voice giving warmth I’d not known before,
A voice casting light as it opened the door.

I followed that voice, and soon I could see,
A room filled with children all welcoming me.
The beauty of Torah was drawing me near,
A light in the darkness, so pure and so clear.

That voice is still with me, it hovers above,
It echoes my feelings, it fills me with love.
The sounds all around me awaken my soul,
My heart is so youthful, though I have grown old.

I still cannot rest, my work is not done,
I dream of young voices resounding as one.
So much yet to ponder, so much I must do,
The voice I have followed must reach every Jew.

I’ll follow that voice and soon I will see,
A room full of children, all listening to me.
I’ll speak of the Torah drawing them near,
A light in the darkness, so pure and so clear.

The voice that I heard from, so long long ago,
Is my inspiration, to learn and to grow.
I’ll whisper its message, so simple and true,
and if you just listen, it will speak to you.

We’ll follow that voice and soon there will be,
A world where our children can live peacefully.
The study of Torah, we hope and we pray,
Will shatter the darkness, turn night into day.

I’ll whisper its message, so simple and true,
And if you just listen, that voice speaks to you.

Wishing you all a wonderful Shabbos!
OivedElokim

Day #28

Had a beautiful Shabbos, BH.

I wanted to share a short thought from Tanya that I learned before Davening.

In the first section of Tanya, the Alter Rebbe spends several chapters delineating various meditations which can bring someone towards genuine feelings of fear and love towards Hashem.

In the 46th chapter, he explains that love is by nature reciprocal. Meaning that if someone perceives someone's love towards him, it will automatically cause him to love the one who loves him in return. The Rebbe points out that this is true even of equals, who are at the same level of social status and prestige. 

How much more so, if a great and exalted king shows love towards a lowly pauper, and raises him up from his destitution and brings him into his inner chambers, embracing him and showering him with love. It is obvious that this simple person will be consumed with a great sense of gratitude and reciprocal love.

The Rebbe concludes: ...והנה ככל הדברים האלה וככל החזיון הזה וגדול יתר מאד בכפלי כפליים לאין קץ עשה לנו אלוקינו, 

Hashem did this for us, taking us out of the deepest tumah of Mitzrayim and brought us into his presence, ignoring the rest of his vast creation. 

וכולם שואלים איה מקום כבודו ועונים מלא כל הארץ כבודו הם ישראל עמו.

כִּי הִנִּיחַ הַקָּדוֹשׁ־בָּרוּךְ־הוּא אֶת הָעֶלְיוֹנִים וְאֶת הַתַּחְתּוֹנִים,

וְלֹא בָחַר בְּכוּלָּם כִּי אִם בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל עַמּוֹ, וְהוֹצִיאָם מִמִּצְרַיִם, עֶרְוַת הָאָרֶץ, מְקוֹם הַזּוּהֲמָא וְהַטּוּמְאָה,

לֹא עַל יְדֵי מַלְאָךְ וְלֹא עַל יְדֵי כוּ', אֶלָּא הַקָּדוֹשׁ־בָּרוּךְ־הוּא בִּכְבוֹדוֹ וּבְעַצְמוֹ יָרַד לְשָׁם,

כְּמוֹ שֶׁכָּתוּב: "וָאֵרֵד לְהַצִּילוֹ וְגוֹ'",

כְּדֵי לְקָרְבָם אֵלָיו בְּקֵירוּב וְיִחוּד אֲמִיתִּי, בְּהִתְקַשְּׁרוּת הַנֶּפֶשׁ מַמָּשׁ

בִּבְחִינַת נְשִׁיקִין פֶּה לַפֶה – לְדַבֵּר דְבַר ה' זוֹ הֲלָכָה,

וְאִתְדַּבְּקוּת רוּחָא בְּרוּחָא – הִיא הַשָּׂגַת הַתּוֹרָה וִידִיעַת רְצוֹנוֹ וְחָכְמָתוֹ,

דְּכוּלָּא חַד מַמָּשׁ,

וְגַם בִּבְחִינַת חִיבּוּק –

הוּא קִיּוּם הַמִּצְוֹת מַעֲשִׂיּוֹת בְּרַמַ"ח אֵבָרִים,

דְּרַמַ"ח פִּיקּוּדִין הֵן רַמַ"ח אֵבָרִין דְּמַלְכָּא כַּנִּזְכָּר לְעֵיל,

This resonated deeply with me and my recent experience. I hope it does something for you as well. All the best,
OivedElokim.

ah! tayere oived,

i'ts so nice to see such full thoughtful posts on your thread.
thanks for this shtikle tanya, please keep inspiring.

p.s. looks like you're closing in on 30? hope you're gonna post the invite to the celebration

I've been dealing with something which will have a great impact on my future. The stakes are high and there's a large degree of uncertainty, despite the fact that several weeks ago I was certain of a positive outcome. I am really working on my מדת הבטחון, hoping for the best but emotionally steeling myself for the worst.

Yeah I guess I'm not fooling anyone, it's a shidduch....

Please pray for my success, and for my ability to "accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change those I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...."

I really appreciate everyone who posts, hits "thank you", and reaches out via PM or offline. It really means a lot to me. Keep it up!

Good night,
OivedElokim

Day #29

Good morning. I'm feeling somewhat better about this situation today, BH. Very grateful for 29 clean days, after being in a state where I was "acting out" multiple times a day...

In a few minutes I will launch a new phone Chavrusa with a very dear GYE friend (I will not mention him by name, though he is welcome to identify himself here...) I'm super excited, he's a smart guy and this will probably be very enjoyable and intellectually stimulating, bez"h....

In general I've been learning much more recently as I'm off work for most of the summer. I am rediscovering my love for Torah (mostly Chassidus but also Gemara), and it is really enriching my life and strengthening my sense of meaning and purpose.

Wishing you all a clean, successful and meaningful day,
OivedElokim 

I just came here to write a poem, Idk how it'll come out but I think I can use that art form at this point. Here goes:

I thought I was getting towards the end,
That my salvation was around the bend.

I thought that G-d has answered my prayers,
To refute the external and internal naysayers.

I could be right, I could be wrong,
This might be the right one all along.

I just don't know, can't be certain,
For G-d has yet to lift the curtain.

I thought and thought and G-d just smiles,
Cause he's got my life planned, all the miles.

I need to surrender and let him show me the way,
To pour out my soul and sincerely pray.

gtg will continue later

Day #30

Very grateful to have made it this far, and hope I continue to go from strength to strength.

Today was the first time since the beginning of this streak that I had an urge that lasted longer than a fleeting second. I realized I didn't mamash have a plan for it, but I just distracted myself. Perhaps next time I'll call one of my GYE buddies-we'll see.

The chavrusa this morning was amazing, and we are continuing tomorrow, so I'm gonna hit the sack early.

Wishing you all a great night!
OivedElokim

oivedelokim wrote on 16 Jul 2024 00:10:

My miserable night ( big chunk of lakewood was hot and sweaty tonight with a blackout that  lasted Just two hours and yet drove me crazy) just brightened up. Literally and figuratively!! 
KOMT!!!!

Good morning, dear friends.

Feeling thankful to Hashem today for the gift of Torah. I would like to share a vort on Birchas Ha'Torah from one of the Chabad Rebbe's:

There are two kinds of laws:

• Man-made, arbitrary laws that are created for pragmatic purposes.
• Laws of nature, laws that define reality.

Torah is called חיי עולם. This means that Torah is comprised of laws that govern not just the conduct of our lives, but the very nature of reality. Torah gives us life and the tools to navigate it.

ברוך אתה ה"א מלך העולם אשר נתן לנו תורת אמת וחיי עולם נטע בתוכינו...

Have a wonderful day,
OivedElokim

P.S. here's the original Yiddish version (printed in the yearly calendar of sayings that the Lubavitcher Rebbe printed soon after coming to America, culled from the teachings and letters of his father-in-law and his predecessors. This is the entry of 22 Shevat):

Been thinking a lot about this posuk in Mishlei:

"אין חכמה ואין תבונה ואין עצה לנגד ה"

Enough said. Good night,
OivedElokim

To clarify-nothing bad happened, BH.

I was simply calming my own anxieties by reflecting on the fact that whatever Hashem wants will ultimately happen, and there's nothing I can really do to circumvent that.

If you have issues with customer service, the manager is the guy you need to talk to. Don't fight with the waitress or the janitor...

Have a great day!
OivedElokim

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Just had some free time so I figured I'd check in. I literally have nothing else to say.

On to day #32...

All the best,
OivedElokim

Day #32:

Today I hit 32 days of freedom from the filth of internet pornography and the shame of masturbation. 

32 is special, as it is the gematria of Lev (Heart). I will share the following personal prayer, based on chapter 51 of Tehillim:

לב טהור ברא לי אלוקים, ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי
Hashem, please help me to transform myself into the sort of man who would never consider engaging in this abhorrent and destructive behaviors.
אל תשליכיני לעת זקנה, ככלות כחי אל תעזבני
Do not let me become complacent. May I spot the warning signs, the subtle urges and nip the tsunami of temptation in the bud before it chas veshalom consumes me.
השיבה לי ששון ישעך, ורוח נדיבה תסמכני
Allow me to rejoice in your Torah and Mitzvos, in deep and meaningful connection to my fellow Jews on this site and offline, and in being a positive force in the world.
אלמדה פושעים דרכיך וחטאים איליך ישובו
May I have the zechus to help others in their journey towards purity, as I continue to progress on my own.
הטיבה ברצונך את ציון, תבנה חומות ירושלים
Strengthen Jews around the world, especially those in Eretz Yisroel. Protect and guard them. Return our captives and comfort our mourners and wounded. Heal our broken hearts and sound the great Shofar of Moshiach, heralding a bright future spent basking in your luminous presence. Bring us home and let us serve you and sing to you forever.

Thank you Hashem for everything. I love you!
Sincerely
OivedElokim

The beauty of this "תפילה מעמקי ה"לב is stunning, and speaks volumes of its author! כשמו, כן הוא. It should give you the כח to continue growing and inspiring all of us to reach greater hights then we ever thought were possible.

Day #33

Had a very nice and busy day, BH.

Feeling grateful for all of G-d's blessings and praying for more.

Been thinking a lot about this posuk today:
כי ההרים ימושו והגבעות תמוטנה וחסדי מאתך לא ימוש וברית שלומי לא תמוט אמר מרחמך ה'" (ישעי' נד:י)"

Have a great Shaboos!
OivedElokim