frank.lee wrote on 10 Apr 2023 22:26:

When I said it was futile, I was referring to a very specific discussion-whether being addicted to something is inherently problematic. That discussion is futile because it's a matter of opinion. Obviously the broader discussion of trying to find a reason to stop masturbating is not futile, which is why I started it...

Thanks everyone for checking in, I have a a hard time posting on GYE from my phone so I had to wait till I could use a computer to share an update.

I'm over 30 days clean from porn, not been staying away from masturbation though. (I have been searching for borderline material and it resulted in me having to pay a knas to WebChaver-not gonna do that anymore...)

In regards to finding motivation to stop masturbating-I have begun to realize that there is some truth to what someone (frank.lee?) posted earlier in this thread: Masturbation requires fantasizing which includes many of the negative effects that porn does, though perhaps less intensely. Also I feel stronger in my Yiddishkeit now and therefore am finding the religious reasons more compelling. 

I'm going to challenge myself to staying completely clean for ten days

Good Day

I don't normally use this site but I just checked in to see what's' going on lately and I though I had to respond to your post.

I promise you are not an addict. You are a mentally healthy person with the a godly soul

I was labelled as OCD, ADHD , Depressed, Bipolar and Angry . I realized through learning the Three Principles that I am none of these and I have a beautiful life now, free of all medication and labels. The three principles is a revolutionary understanding that explains in a very logical and clear way the that their are fundamentals behind human psychological functioning. All our emotional desires and experiences are derived from the power of thought.

Please, do what you feel is right from you, but try and avoid going to western "addiction specialists" who innocently create more suffering by labelling and labelling and prescribing all kinds of treatments and drugs. I did all of that and just went further and further away from my essence and from a true peace of mind until I came across the three principles understanding which radically began to change my life in extraordinary ways.

I now help others with this understanding and am willing to help guide you in this direction if you wish

Best Wishes

proudjew95 wrote on 19 Apr 2023 17:44:

Hi there,
Your long streak is really impressive. could you please share what these three principles are all about. You got me all curious:smile:  

ignore- (doubled)

OivedElokim wrote on 18 Apr 2023 00:28:

I like the frank.lee comment, just thinking it over time gets me to realize similar to what your saying that it is pretty much from the neg. effect  as Porn itself.

So Just an extra tweak I want to add from my own view-

As long as masturbation happens from those triggers where the drive is from P* images and graphics that was in the past scene and just reactivating such thoughts, it is basically our brain if Rch"lz were to happen like watching porn from our past memory. Which is as - seeing porn itself.

So in short- not just m* having the neg affect as p*. But IS (Kav"yachol) Porn itself, because - RH"LZ brings those memory stored in the past from watching such sites!


OE, I appreciate you filling us in on the updates as you strive up in greatness. And I am extremely happy to hear that you are challenging yourself for small amount of time- you are almost there! and lastly these words are so nice to hear. You should have alot of Hatzlacha in these areas to associate with these above reasons as you said as well! 

Can't wait for your updates, all the best OE!!

OivedElokim wrote on 18 Apr 2023 00:28:

Yes, yes, yes!!!! You can do it!!!
Keep it up!

Day 1

'bout that "I'll never give up" thing....

Anyways I haven't given up yet...

Still clean from porn, lost track of the exact number of days though. The site used to keep track of it for you (seperate streaks for p/m), not sure what happened to that feature....

Going on my first date Sunday. Wish me luck!

Good Shabbos...
OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 21 Apr 2023 21:21:

Exciting, good luck- r”h tov and gut shabbos. 

OivedElokim wrote on 21 Apr 2023 21:21:

good luck 

Hatzlacha rabba!

Hatzlacha Rabbah!

Day 3
Went on my first date, went pretty well BH. I have several reasons to think that it's not gonna work for me, but I'm keeping an open mind and am going forward with a second date. We'll see how it goes...

I won't get into the details of the date, except for one thing that is directly relevant to GYE and the fight we're all in here:

After over a decade of being steeped in the lustful imagery so prevalent in our modern, decadent culture, the "Looks Factor" really holds a lot of sway over me. She's not ugly but she ain't pretty either...

Before everyone pounces on me: I may be lustful but I'm not delusional. I don't think any frum girl (who shares my values and connects with me emotionally/romantically) will ever hold a candle to the supermodels and p-stars that I've been flooding my vision and imagination with over the past 12 years or so. If I do end up with a very pretty girl it will be sheer luck, or hashgacha. Whatever. I've noticed that (in real life, not in lengire ads) pretty women are pretty rare (pardon the pun)...

However, it's still a struggle for me. The concept of monogamy in general is a hard pill to swallow (many people with beautiful wives still cheat and watch porn etc) , and it's especially when it's not with the most gorgeous woman known to man. I would be interested to hear the oilam's input, especially those of you that are married. I imagine this has probably been hashed out in some older threads, but I'd like to reopen the conversation.

My question is: How does one come to terms with the fact that you have only one kosher sexual outlet in life, which is an average looking woman?

I feel like it's easier for a bochur that struggles with this because he's not committed to anyone else but himself. Marriage probably makes things much harder...

Thanks for reading. I hope this post sparks respectful dialogue (and not people shooting angrily from the hip).
Anyways, all the best!

OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 25 Apr 2023 23:08:

Hey OE, happy to hear your date went well BH. You should have much hatzlacha!

Anyways, I think that if you have a Rebbe to talk out your dates (could be you are already and I just am unaware), experiences and he's known to help out with great advice that should be #1.(There's a lot to speak over and I think it's unfair to minimize it by a few short words on a screen, things can be misunderstood and especially if it's not spoken out..) 

(this sounds like dating advice..disclaimer: listen at your own risk, I am not of any worth just will try to share experience a bit)
2nd- out of guidance given to me there's an image we create in our head of how she will look with "shiny beauty etc" and from the first glance we get so down realizing it isn't what I had in mind.

The dating first time to second makes a difference, but regarding beauty the way I was guided is to have an attraction and that you want to be tog. like when you finish the date how you feel - if it's like you want to see again, or if you say I am happy that's over..

Dependant on that there's an enough of an attraction to be there with her, and along the dates you have a "matzah chein" by other aspects of her that increases you to want to be there with her.. ie: her midot, humor, seriousness, whatever you like or see/ feel (the look will remain the same, just you have a more driving pull to spend time and want to be with her).

Wishing you all the best!

For your question

I believe I answered it- when you get guidance that may tell you, you  have to be a realistic person and seek a certain level of attraction should be needed. some maybe way more extreme and very very detailed ( it could be because of exposures out there) and may be a little harder to seek exactly what you want, but hashem may give that person that one right away.. It is better like for the third time telling you to seek a Rebbe that makes sense to talk this stuff out and understandable, he also should know you to better assist you. But maybe there can be someone here that can also help, Hatzlacha!!

Hi Oived,
I should not be the first one.
I just want to say, that looks are important, but its not the only think. 
please let me explain.
A women is not all about her appearance or how she will be in the bedroom. It is really how she is as a person.
Ill tell you this. anyone you will date will not come close to those porn stars. What those people do is crazy to look beautiful. No Frum girl will able to come close. But as you date this girl or any girl for that matter, you will get to know her. ONce you get to know her and make a bond, then she will be the most beautiful women you ever met. She is full chayus, full of good ideas. She will actually love you. She will want to spend time with you and make you happy. You in return will want to do the same for her. Once you get to know her inside and out and not only about the appearance she will be the most beautiful women in the world.

being single its a one way street. P**n makes one feel good. There is no relationship. There is no love in return. 

Guys comment away..

EYES