Update:

I finally got rid of the problematic laptop. I'm optimistic about staying porn-free going forward. Masturbation will remain a big issue for the foreseeable future, though I am taking baby steps to dial it down. As per the advice of one GYE mentor, I no longer masturbate on Shabbos out of respect for the holy day. Perhaps I will extend that good minhag for Friday or Sunday, slowly building up my ability to resist that particular temptation.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I had somewhat of traumatic experience on a certain social media platform, the same one on which I met "my shiksa". Maybe it was G-d's way of telling me to quit messing around with this stuff. If it was-I certainly got the message...
I'm still somewhat shaken up by the experience but am trying my best to move on.

I am going on a small "vacation" tomorrow to a nice, warm place tomorrow. I will be there for a week. Hopefully that will help me recover my emotional strength to move on.

In other news, my Mashpia finally gave me his full haskama to begin Shidduchim, so hopefully I'll get the ball rolling when I come back. I'm really nervous about it but also excited. It will be a journey, perhaps a tumultuous one. But I have faith in the one who set me on this good green earth that he will bring me to a good place, ultimately.

I feel like I only share bad news on here, so here's the good news: I am very happy these days. I am quite productive every day, both in learning and in work. I feel like I'm finally alive. Other then this social media issue, things have been going very very well, BH. I pray that it stays that way...

Now here's some lyrics from a song I'm currently addicted to that I found relevant and inspiring (It's from Abie Rotenberg's latest Journeys album). Take it or leave it:

"The salt stings their eyes and they fear for their lives-yet they fight off their feelings of dread.
For they know and believe there's a path through the sea-that will lead to clear sailing ahead.

It's our life, a journey at sea, a voyage of fate and destiny,
​The waters will challenge the fortitude and courage of every man 
The stars that light up the night they'll be our map, our compass, our guide
Follow them true, follow them faithfully-till we find land"

With prayers for a strong internal compass and smooth sailing for me and for all of you, my dear friends,
OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 11 Jan 2023 04:02:

It's a great song..
Good to hear your in a good place right now.
Much hatzlocha!

Hey there.

Feeling lonely today. Social media really filled a social void for me and I'm now grappling with how to live that void. Or fill it, for that matter. I miss my online friends. Especially that girl...

I'm not sure why but in a way I felt closer to them then any other friendships I have. I think it's probably for two reasons: Firstly, I was completely uninhibited with them and felt like I could fully be myself around them. The other element was how openly affectionate they were to me. I felt loved and appreciated. My "real life" friends don't make a point of telling me how much I mean to them. And that's obviously assuming I mean anything at all to them. Which is a pretty safe assumption now that I think about it...
So I'm a bit sad and withdrawn today. However, I'm quite busy at the moment so I'm somewhat distracted from my feelings, for better or for worse... 
Gonna try to stay clean tonight. Wish me luck

Love you all,
OivedElokim

Our real friends may not express their warmth constantly, but we know that in a moment of need they will be there for us. Their loyalty to us (and us to them) is rock solid and they will inconvenience themselves for us when and if necessary. That is a real relationship. We are accepted by our friends with all of our ma'alos, chesronos, meshugasen, and idiosyncrasies.



Fake friends are simply that - fake. Statistically they will abandon us if our need is inconvenient for them. Their expressions of love and warmth are usually not even skin deep. Because let's face it - they don't even know who you really are.....

Hashem Help Me wrote on 13 Jan 2023 12:00:

So so true...
We should make a post card of this and keep it in our pocket to have it handy when needed. 

Update:
Hit a milestone-3 days. It ain't much, but it's progress. 

I find that it's easier for me to stay clean when I'm not in my regular environment/routine. I think it's because masturbation has become such a habitual part of my life that it has become part of my routine. However when I leave my regular routine it's not instinctive. I wonder how I could keep this going after I go back home...

Also I wanted to publicly thank my GYE buddies for being there for me during these difficult weeks. Mitzvah lefarseim osei Mitzvah: 
Thank you YeshivaGuy, thank you Zedj, thank you HashemYeracheim613, thank you HakolHevel. Your friendship, support and constructive criticism means the world to me and has hopefully made me a somewhat better person. I love you all!

Thank you for following my journey,
OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 15 Jan 2023 14:11:

Your friendship, support and constructive criticism.

I am not sure how much of the first two I do 

Oived, I'm so happy to read that your days are productive and happy. You are taking your life back. Right on bro! 

Just a quick update:
I've been clean from porn for about two weeks now, though masturbation is still a struggle. I am doing it less but it's still an issue. I actually broke my commitment to not masturbate on Shabbos this week for a pretty silly reason (I had a very persistent erection and that was the only way I could think of getting rid of it...)

Still struggling with the aftermath of this online relationship. Trying to move on but feeling very lonely. Trying to stay connected to friends and family as best I can but nothing can really substitute the warmth and availability this girl provided me with. My therapist says the best way to move on would be to start dating and find another girl I could have a loving relationship with. I'm very eager to do so, but am unable to at the moment for reasons I've listed before. So I'm working on my issues and trying to sort things out so I can move forward on that front, but in the interim-at the very least several weeks, though possibly much longer-I'm gonna be struggling with this deep sense of loneliness.

I guess I'll need to try my best to stay busy and distracted from the emotional void that I've only recently discovered within myself.

In other news I met a dear GYE friend for the first time this past Friday, was a very exciting experience. Don't want to out anybody so i won't say who. You know who you are (if you want to out yourself you're welcome to   )
We went together to meet up with a third GYE friend and had all in all had a splendid time. My seven years of membership in GYE haven't solved my kedusha issues just yet but have given me several cherished and hopefully lifelong friends. And if that's the only thing I ever gain here-דיינו.

Anyways gotta go to sleep. Thanks for reading,
OivedElokim

Update:

Life has been going well, BH.

I just can't stop being mzl...

OivedElokim wrote on 23 Jan 2023 05:20:

I’m outing myself

Lol

OivedElokim wrote on 23 Jan 2023 05:20:

Hey feel free to contact me if you want, it is a great opportunity to have gye buddies at least at a consistency basis where whenever you need them they are right there. I can be the other type of friend where you can rely on that, not necessarily getting any help just as a person to hear you out. Hatzlacha, I have seen your name before and want to hear good bzh. Stay Bsimcha!!

Hey EaY, thanks for posting on my thread.

I guess I should take this opportunity to share a quick update:

Haven't been doing great on the kedusha front. Been masturbating almost daily and watching porn every couple weeks when the opportunity presents itself, as it sometimes does. Not terribly motivated to stop, although I know I should and that the consequences of maintaining this habit could be devastating. It's just so hard. I have a pretty kosher device but if there's a will to seek out arousing content, there's always a way. I should probably switch to a Kosher phone if I really want to beat this. But I'm not sure I'm ready to take that step.

I'm in pretty close contact with my GYE buddies, but that's not really helping. We just talk about life as regular friends would. I barely ever mention the GYE stuff and when I do it's in passing, not in a way that makes me feel like I'm accountable in any meaningful way. So that leaves me with the status quo. 

Anyways that's the story,
Thanks for reading
OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 06 Mar 2023 03:36:

I’m glad to see you are still holding onto the site and gye buddies, that just comes to show you are trying to lead the right direction and are just stuck for whatever reasons.. (I can’t guess without hearing your situation) But maybe if I were in your situation the first thing to assess is that if seemingly the buddies aren’t doing as much of progress atm, maybe find someone that can be on top board with you. Or you may just need to be straight forward with them. I’m not sure if you sound ready to do either or, but definitely when you are even a small drop motivated, you can even have side motives as to stay clean, then speaking up at those inspiration, or drive and working off it may help. For now maybe I can suggest you a online book, which I saw it helpful for me, your call to audio read like me lol (due to my laziness of reading..). http://easypeasymethod.org/easypeasy.pdf
You are a gibor..all it takes is to stop and recognize it OivedElokim! Stay Besimcha, try not being numbed by the pain, smell “some coffee”, as in take fresh air to bring back the correct scent back in your bloodstream. I’m rooting for you, whatever your mehalech will be! Reach me please if I can do something for you!!