Fell Friday night and then again today. Someone made an insensitive comment to me today that utterly destroyed my day and sent me deeper into the throes of depression. I feel horrible about myself, my past and I don’t see a future for myself in this cruel world. The pain is too much sometimes, and I can’t fathom anything in life that would make this suffering worth it to endure. I just want it all to end. Feel like I’m being a bit dramatic but those were the thoughts going through my head today. Good night people.

the defeated OE

Don't let a "meshugane" ruin your life. You are a good solid fellow, and you have a purpose being in this world. There are things only you can accomplish. Even your persistence in trying to overcome this challenge is an inspiration for so many and thousands of times you have remained pure. You have a team of guys here rooting for you. Keep on forging ahead. 

One question - the falls involved watching or just masturbation?

Thank you for the kind words. 
Just masturbation.

So sorry for your pain.  Perhaps you can Try to isolate the sadness. E.g. tell yourself that until this person made a comment I was OK.    Right now I am feeling very very sad because of this comment.  However I know this is temporary and by tomorrow or next week etc.. The sting of this person‘s comment will wear off. This may help minimize the bad feeling and make it easier to get through it.   I know that it worked for me when I was very sad on Friday because of some thing someone said.  (I also bought myself a danish!)

OivedElokim wrote on 16 Jan 2022 05:15:

Sorry to hear about your unimaginable pain. 
It's so important to watch what we say to others, we have no idea what other people are going thru and how much a kind word can accomplish and the opposite with destructive words. 
As "Hashem Help Me" wrote  
You have a team of guys here rooting for you.

So move on! Celebrate the fact that you have b'ezras Hashem kept your eyes clean for an extended period of time, and only masturbated due to severe pain. In reality you are in the process of graduating from masturbation too; just you need to find other ways of relieving emotional distress when it comes hard and fast in a surprising way.

Watched porn for the first time in awhile.

Don't let this setback derail you! Tomorrow will be a new day. Get to sleep early and wake up refreshed, ready for the day.

I’ve come to the realization that I need to change my game plan. It’s not enough for me to have filters and a knas system for falling. Filters don’t help for other peoples unfiltered devices , and a knas doesn’t always serve as enough of a deterrent. That doesn’t deal with the underlying issue. I still have a strong desire and “need” to act out. I still believe on some level that porn is good for me. I need to change that. Maybe I need to make a pro/con list. Did that awhile back and it seemed to help for a period. Any comments or suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

OivedElokim wrote on 24 Jan 2022 07:41:

Maybe get a partner? guardyoureyes.com/tools/partner-program

Try Lesson 1 on the Flight for Freedom program.

jackthejew wrote on 24 Jan 2022 09:12:

I’m in frequent contact with several friends from GYE

omekhadavar wrote on 24 Jan 2022 13:58:

How do I access that?

OivedElokim wrote on 24 Jan 2022 19:16:

f2f.guardyoureyes.org/
It doesn't work on netfree filtered computers

If you are thinking that way, definitely start the Flight to Freedom program, but do it consistently. It is a great tool.