Day 2

Found a chink in my armour recently that has been the source of a few falls. Still trying to figure out how to block it. Until then I have committed-from now till Rosh Hashana- to call an accountability partner from GYE whenever I feel like falling (no matter what time it is- most of my falls are in bed and I tend to go to sleep late). If I fail to do so I will donate $10 to GYE. So that’s the plan.

I realized lately how porn totally warped my brain to see every woman as an object. When I walk down the street-I have to go down quite a busy one to get to yeshiva daily- I am subconsciously rating the sexual desirability of every woman I see. It’s terrible. I’m almost up to shidduchim and I don’t know how I’m going to put this behind me…

OivedElokim wrote on 26 Aug 2021 04:27:

Knowing this and being honest about it is step one in the refuah.

Finished selichos lately.
Feeling weak…
I’d love to masturbate now…

Been on a falling streak last couple days. I don’t know what it is but I’m definitely experiencing a lot of stress and existential angst. My days in yeshiva aren’t fully structured yet as I don’t have chavrusos for everything. I’m also not sure if I want to be in yeshiva a full day this year, as I am (perhaps more then) a bit burnt out of yeshiva life. So looking into part time jobs, discussing with my therapist and Rabbeim what course I should take. So all these factors-as well as the regular poor mental/emotional health element which has been ever present in my life for the last half a year-all contribute to my susceptibility to falling. 

Baruch HaShem I can report that I have not seen porn in over two weeks and before that for probably a month so I definitely cut down on that. But I am still “starved” for any sort of erotic content (suggestive pictures etc.) that I manage to find through shopping apps and the like. Hope to find a way to mitigate that issue. Anyways that’s the deal. Thanks for reading.

Much success to all of you!

Hopefully you will receive guidance how to make your days productive in a healthy setting - be it yeshiva or a job. The fact that you are putting effort into keeping your eyes clean will iyh be a game changer. No more brain washing yourself that women are objects and that sex is for fun. As these images and thought processes recede, you will iyh regain control. Keep up the good work and celebrate the two weeks of clean eyes. Maybe you don't realize what an accomplishment it is. Just speak to all the guys who have not figured out how to stay off pornography for more than 48 hours....

I wish I had a device I could watch porn on. I’m yearning for the sweet images and the release of lust. I don’t have a way to do it right now, but that’s where I am mentally.

Thanks for sharing. It's good to get it out in the open. It helps dispel some of the desire.
May you have much Hatzlacha

Not gonna get into details but I just had a big nisayon. So I called @YG and he talked me through it and now I owe myself a roll of sushi and a pat on the back.

Special thanks to Hashem and YeshivaGuy. You rock!

Fell. Ironically on the night that I committed to the Elul challenge. I hope IMG will forgive me and perhaps I’ll get another chance.

OivedElokim wrote on 01 Sep 2021 05:36:

Sorry to hear buddy. It gets super hard after passing a hard nisayon.
Dont let the Yetzer fool you though. You overcame a tremendous nisayon with superhuman heroic Gevura.
So make sure you celebrate that.
After all, that’s what HaShem’s doing.
Waiting to hear what type of roll you got

Had a bad fall today. Watched porn for the first time in awhile. I can’t keep up this fight forever. It feels like The temptations are everywhere always and I don’t have what it takes to overcome it.

I am currently in a מקום סכנה as far as the availability of porn goes. I have to be here for a bit . Posting here for accountability and so that whoever sees this can say a Perek tehillim for my success.

Just a note to self: The desire for porn is an illusion. It is all yetzer hara induced hype. It’s not actually as enjoyable as I am imagining it to be right now as I will (hopefully not) recognise the second that I fall. It will leave me with a gross feeling and it will be a setback in my relationship with Hashem (as well as my tracker).

Unfortunately I didn’t hold it together. I feel like I don’t have the ability to say no to myself. I can’t think of a single instance in the past few months where I had easy access to porn and I didn’t go for it. It’s almost as if I don’t want to stop. I’m feeling very discouraged, hopeless.

OivedElokim wrote on 02 Sep 2021 21:30:

Me too. I don't think that makes the next line true.

You don't want to stop? Then why are you here? Social stimulation?

I had an interesting realization recently... I'm not sure if it's accurate or not, or if it will help or make it worse...
Acting out (and looking porn) is just as enjoyable as it seems. It may make you feel sick afterwards etc. but the 'moment of pleasure' is real.
I find, that convincing myself that it's not as enjoyable as it seems is partly foolish and false, and you can't believe yourself when you know or think you are lying... There is a reason why its such a big struggle, because its so enjoyable.
You (or at least me) have to say that although the Yetzer Hara makes it  feel so good it isn't good. Although it feels good it makes me ​feel disgusting after. Although it feels good it goes against my values and who I want to be etc. etc.
But not doing it by convincing yourself that its not as good as it seems, to me seems like a stretch...
Please feel free to disagree