Having a hard time recognizing that it never gets easier, and I can never allow myself “one last time” of indulging in these behaviors 

After battling my urges for several hours, I fell.

I’m sure Hashem cherishes every time I said no.  I don’t feel better because I acted out. It brought me no Happiness. I need to remember that for next time...

Fell again last night. Will I ever overcome this? Do I even really want to?

Wow, this is good progress:
iabsolutelycan wrote:

You hit the nail right on the head: It is never really 'done', at all!While what I wrote about my marriage is true, and while it is true that lust challenges are rare for me and not a significant distration from my life today - the idea of 'finally getting fixed' is a fantasy. As kids, what typically got our attention was the event - then achievements. The baseball star's success was the game-winning home run and crowd going crazy, the success of manhood was 'getting the girl', and lhavdil, 'making it' as the gadol baTorah was the recognition as the gadol. But then what? As we grow up we discover a bit about what it is actually like to live day by day as the star, the husband, the gadol. That's very different than 'the event'. Eventually, we grow up some more and discover that there really is no 'event', at all!There is in reality no such thing as being 'a tzaddik', having 'done' teshuvah, being 'recovered', etc. These are processes, not events. Real life is always a process, and the older we get, the more we understand that.This is very similar to the fact that there are so many things we do and Hashem has arranged in Jewish history that are tikunnim for the chei of Odom harishon. Every time we make kiddush Friday night on wine, every matzoh se eat - the fig leaf skirts Hashem made Odom and Chava - certain korbanos and avodas in the Mishkan and Beis hamikdosh - all to 'be mesaken the cheit of Odom harishon', per the sforim. The beis hamikdash stood for hundreds of years and cohanim did pure avodah with dep kavanos for many years - nu? So let me ask:Why isn't it fixed yet?And by the same token, I ask why is it that many addicts call themselves "recovering addicts"? And for that matter, why do most b'nei Torah referred to as "Talmidei Cachomim" - when does the rosh yeshivah finally stop being a 'talmid' already?!The answer is that being 'fixed' is not what olam hazeh is about at all. Until we die, our part is to do our avodah - Hashem does the fixing in little bits as we take our little, tiny steps. Real life - and real recovery - is only a process. This is what Chaza"l mean when they say it is assur to 'force the ge'ulah'. That is life, and we have no right to get off the ride. We never 'arrive' here, but are growing. And 'growing' means that you and me have room to grow. We are mehalchim, not malochim (they are omdim).This why when a person who is in successful recovery for months or years has a hard day or challenges, it does not mean that his or her program has failed. Pain - challenge - is the only way we grow. That is life, itself.You, chaver, are doing just fine. Just learn honestly from what you experience, and let yesterday be yesterday and today be today. May we never confuse the two!- Dov

Day 3

Thinking of joining the challenge, though $160 is not in my budget.

@ snowflake

Firstly- thanks for your post. You are probably correct about the whole mindset thing.

I do have a therapist, and I am trying to work through stuff. Not seeing much success at the moment, but that’s not directly relevant. I don’t think my lust issues can be put on the back burner. Not anymore.

Fell several times over the weekend. Back to day 1 now.