Day 45:

Thank you HaShem for another clean day!

I had a relatively good and productive day. Learned more then any other day this week, got some errands done. No lusting. Spoke to a very special GYE member who was very helpful since the beginning of this streak . Thanks so much!

Warning: Spoiler!

You know who you are...

I’m halfway to 90...


Wishing you all continued success in this fight!

OivedElokim

Day 46:

Clean. Busy day. Got up early. Minyan. Good stuff.
Have a great shabbos!

Day 48:
Clean day today.
Shabbos is a hard day not to lust, with all the well dressed women. But you gotta do what you gotta do...

OivedElokim wrote on 18 Oct 2020 02:21:

There is a Mishnah in Pirkei Avos (5:26): Ben Hei Hei taught, “Lefum tza’ara agra,” which means that heavenly reward is granted in accordance with the level of challenge.

In Avos D’Rebbe Nosson (3:6), Rabbi Yishmael the son of Rabbi Yosi relates that a mitzvah done despite difficulty is worth more than a hundred mitzvos done without challenge. Again, a mitzvah done despite challenge is over a hundred times as great as a mitzvah done when it is easy!

Hashem cherishes each of these accomplishments and takes great pride in us. We cannot fathom how amazing it is and how proud Hashem
will be when we actually win the battle! Controlling ourselves is so impressive because it is so difficult.

Thanks for that. I have to think about that more often...

Going to yeshiva today. That means I’ll be off the grid for the next while (don’t have regular access to GYE when I’m there). I’ll try to keep in touch with the chevra here by phone, text and email. 

Day 74:
I am in a place with GYE access for the weekend . Missed all of the guys over here. I’m in a bit of a rut right now emotionally, but I am still clean, which feels very nice.
Hope I can sustain it.
So help me G-d.

Yaaay!!!
Sooo proud of you!!!
Recharge over the off Shabbos, take it easy...
You’re doing great!

Hey buddy. So happy to “see” you! 
I’ve been thinking of you a lot over the last  zeman, looking forward to reading your thread. It’s been a real inspiration (as well as a cliffhanger) for me... 

OivedElokim wrote on 13 Nov 2020 01:08:

Welcome back Karate friend! We missed you!

 So happy to hear that you are still clean, but unhappy that emotionally you are in a rut. Talk to us. We got more than a few monster trucks around here waiting to tow you out!

Bam. Just fell. After a few hours of sitting around and a few triggers.
At least i I didn’t look at porn.
Gotta hit the reset button hard, starting now.

Wow, you had a really solid streak and I am sure that is going to really give you a strong foundation for your next one! Also, huge kudos to you for not looking at porn. That is already 75% of the battle. For me once I filtered up and was able to say no to P-n the rest of the journey was much easier. 

Congrats on getting right back up!! Today is the first day of the rest of your life! 

Sheva Yipol Tzadik, VKAM. 

What I’ve learned:
If I am in a rut, I need extra vigilance.
Whenever I feel lonely and isolated, a fall is very likely. Spend a few unstructured hours like that and it is almost certain.
Don’t ever get overconfident even with a big streak. It takes one weak moment and one bad decision to cave in after months of work. Don’t let “I got this under control “ be your famous last words before you collapse under the weight of your own self obsession, self pity, and animalistic temptation.

Perhaps I will provide a more extensive autopsy tomorrow.

I had another fall last night right before I went to sleep.

I realized that notwithstanding my fall, I am not in a state where i regularly pursue or even desire to act out. I’m not sure if that means I never had a serious addiction or if I made a lot of progress in breaking it. Regardless, I don’t struggle with this regularly. It’s usually just off the table. That being said, it’s more difficult to withstand the nisayon when it hasn’t shown up for 2 and a half months, whereas if I’m fighting it every day, I’m always ready. Don’t know if that makes any sense.

I need to work on my laziness, depression and “isolationism“.
I need to work on my simchas hachaim, to appreciate the good that G-d gave me and the good that I give him.
I need to work on minimizing emotional stress in my life.
I need to be more honest with myself and others.
I need to speak to a real person about all of my internal struggles and conflict. 
I don’t have the courage to do any of this, but at least I know what needs to be done.