Zedj wrote on 20 Dec 2020 23:34:

It's almost not even necessary to have it, in order to read it. The concept is that it's a done deal. You already made the decision when you wrote the list. No thinking necessary anymore!
Just say no, and no matter how many buts your mind starts to fabricate, you need not respond. You already decided and rethinking a decision obsessively is just plain anxiety. It's not helpful.

It sounds painful. Because it is. But after a (brutal) while it starts to get easier and you can be set free.

Day 20.

Pretty rotten, slow and sluggish day. Didn’t learn much or do anything particularly productive. But I’m grateful that it’s only like this on the last day of my break as opposed to all of them.

Spent some time on an unfiltered device after texting my accountability partner. Originally I was using it to do something important, but it sort of evolved into mindless surfing of YouTube (music, mental health content and other random stuff) and other sites. It was an incredible waste of time (over 3 hours) and a reflection of the spirit of empty, unfocused laziness and passivity that defined my day. I’ll head to bed now, hopeful for a good nights rest, to wake up with renewed energy, purpose and optimism as I head back to yeshiva...

@grant
Your right,
I made a decision and saying no with no back and forth would be less stressing.
I guess Ill have to be more resolved and not give room to ponder these things

OivedElokim wrote on 21 Dec 2020 05:04:

You rock man!
Keep strong

Hi O.E,
Everyone has such days that are slow, sluggish, or even boring.
But in yeshiva it is never boring. There is always something to do to keep yourself busy.

Your doing great keep it up!

Wishing you much hatzlocha!
You won't have access to the site when there correct?

Thank you.
For the most part I don’t have access in yeshiva, although occasionally I do.

Just wanna say Reb Yid, that I’m in awe of your gevura to stay clean in the face of the nisyonos being where u were...
Im so so proud of You! 

And just a word of caution, u prob know, to be extra careful tonight, cuz it’s the last night before returning to Yeshiva, so later on (like around 1/2am) the Yetzer may seek to entice u by saying to “chap arein”...

So stay strong! And maybe head to sleep? (Assuming we’re in the same time zone )

Day 25.
Clean.
Good Shabbos!

Have a great shabbos!

Happy you can come back on and update!

All the best!

Day 28.

Thank you HaShem!

כי הוא הנותן לך כח לעשות חיל

All the best!

Day 30.

OivedElokim wrote on 30 Dec 2020 23:55:

Mazal Tov!!!

Day 31.
I am starting a 20 day challenge for myself, to add in my learning. A Daf Gemara every day till I hit level 6 (day 50). Adding in learning always helps me be stronger and more capable of handling urges. It also hakaras hatov to HaShem for my sanity. I started the mesechta last night, and had hope to be up to דף כ״א by ו שבט. I’ll keep you all posted.
Also, I’m gonna order some good food today to celebrate this milestone. A special thanks to all of my dear GYE friends. You know who you are...
All the best, Hatzlacha!

OivedElokim wrote on 31 Dec 2020 16:50:

Sounds like a great idea!

Just a word of caution. Make sure you don't make each one contingent upon the other. Meaning, if you do not accomplish this goal of learning, make sure you do not feel discouraged in the other area of your challenge, about remaining clean. If failing in one area will affect your productivity in the second, then you may lose more than you can gain. Just make sure to go in with the right mindset.