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Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah!

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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

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TOPIC: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 19183 Views

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 24 Aug 2017 16:58 #319276

Needtoclearmyhead
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So,
Continuing my 3rd try at 90.
4 days ago this was the worst thing in the world.
Today I go onto the Pizza store to buy some late breakfast, after a very stressful meeting with a difficult relative and while I'm about to pay, 2 girls walk right up behind me to order/pay/whatever.
very tznius frum post-sem (or maybe in HS?) anyway in my head they both asked me for sex,
and I had to fight not to answer. (wtf is wrong with me?)
Don't tell me that is what everyone is thinking.
I had to leave the store.
is this related to an addiction that got out of hand?
withdrawal? old fashioned pervert?
These kids never thought for a second that I had a whole conversation with them in my head.
is this something that can go away with SA / Steps / Therapy?
I am so ready to go right back into porn spiral.
I didn't even check in here for the last 4 days as I had no need whatsoever.
It's not boredom. I have tons of work on my desk that I'm not doing.
I turned away 2 people from my office just as I am writing this.
I hope this forum can either help me understand or direct me to someone who can.
until I have an idea of how to separate and define the following I can't fully work on myself.

1) normal testosterone (mine is low by the way so I shouldn't be so perverted)
2) too long since normal sex
3) addiction / compulsion
4) bad habit
5) crazy perverted sickness
6) emotional distress that has nothing to do with sex but is manifesting itself in available outlet.
7) boredom
8) something I haven't thought of yet???

I hope doing 90 days will loosen Lusts grip on me enough that I can work on it.
otherwise just 90 days is just 90 days.
I hope to live longer than that.
insight welcome.
TY

Last Edit: 24 Aug 2017 17:14 by Needtoclearmyhead.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 24 Aug 2017 17:08 #319277

Needtoclearmyhead
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Mesayin wrote on 24 Aug 2017 16:41:

How was I being a racial stereotype?

"Mesayin" post=319269 date=1503592918 catid=4

I can understand why you do not like to hear that you are great, we jews love to feel guilty as if it was a righteous, as if saying that I'm a peice of scum garbage is the greatest thing we can do and Hashem loves such people. As Rabbi YY jacobson puts it "What's a Jew? If he doesn't feel guilty then he blames himself for it."

not that I think you are a racist or anything but my problems are not because I'm jewish and jews love guilt.
if i didn't believe in schar v'oinish I may not care?
maybe. maybe not.
I can't get through a workday.
I can't enjoy my wife and kids.
that is not just "big deal, so you talked loshen hora..."
whatever.
let it go.
We're cool

I have bigger problems...
(as you can see in my posts)

Last Edit: 24 Aug 2017 17:09 by Needtoclearmyhead.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 24 Aug 2017 17:16 #319278

mesayin
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From now on when I want to be a little funny I will post it in green so everyone will know to laugh

Anyway, back to your problems....

My thread/My story

Slogans and Sayings

Relapses and falling are inevitable, the challenge is getting up.

Tzaddikim are the not the ones that don't fall, they are the ones that fall constantly and get up constantly.

Feel free to contact me anytime through private message or chat.

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Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 25 Aug 2017 07:15 #319305

GrowStrong Current streak: 2153 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder OMAAT Posts: 888 Karma: 89	Needtoclearmyhead please contact me at growstrong613@ gmail

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 27 Aug 2017 22:03 #319390

Needtoclearmyhead Current streak: 352 days OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 33 Karma: 0	another fall. !@#$%^&*()

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 28 Aug 2017 03:37 #319400

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8281 Karma: 427	Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 27 Aug 2017 22:03: another fall. !@#$%^&() Find a tool in your truck, get a real sobriety date, and you'll learn something else for free Warning: Spoiler!* a new langüagę
	My Story---------Dov Quotes *FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING* *Click HERE to checkout;* • 100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more... • Awesome Threads Saved for You • Cast Your Vote ➣ GYE Plenty Solutions ➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk ➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 31 Aug 2017 22:27 #319598

Needtoclearmyhead Current streak: 352 days OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 33 Karma: 0	Markz wrote on 28 Aug 2017 03:37: Find a tool in your truck, get a real sobriety date, and you'll learn something else for free I do not know what that means

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 31 Aug 2017 22:30 #319599

Needtoclearmyhead Current streak: 352 days OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 33 Karma: 0	So, I'm 4 days in and itching for porn. is 4 days a thing or is that just me? I've had sex this week, so its not just pent up release. not sure, but if it doesn't settle soon, I'm going to lose my chips.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 31 Aug 2017 22:33 #319600

Needtoclearmyhead
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Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 24 Aug 2017 16:58:

I hope this forum can either help me understand or direct me to someone who can.
until I have an idea of how to separate and define the following I can't fully work on myself.

1) normal testosterone (mine is low by the way so I shouldn't be so perverted)
2) too long since normal sex
3) addiction / compulsion
4) bad habit
5) crazy perverted sickness
6) emotional distress that has nothing to do with sex but is manifesting itself in available outlet.
7) boredom
8) something I haven't thought of yet???

I hope doing 90 days will loosen Lusts grip on me enough that I can work on it.
otherwise just 90 days is just 90 days.
I hope to live longer than that.
insight welcome.
TY

any one wants to give me more info/leads for research or guidelines?
To differentiate the normal from the crazy?

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 31 Aug 2017 23:20 #319601

Workingguy
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Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 20 Aug 2017 18:54:

Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 20 Aug 2017 18:22:

I even spelled it wrong and went back and fixed it.
That was rishus not just flash impulse

I'm going to make an admission here which I will probably go back and erase at some point but in the spirit of putting it all out there, Being honest, 12 steps, etc etc
Just something I realized whilst reading one of Dov's posts.
All this "you're great" "at least your trying" "its a disease its not by choice" blah blah
it makes me vomit.
(it may be true about others, so bemechilas kvoidcha)
In my case it is bullsh!#
I watch porn because I like it.
I read erotica because I like that even more.
I like the fantasy, the disconnect from reality.
The albiet "fake" but perfect girls with perfect crazy scenerios.
I like it better than sex. I like it better than eating, sleeping , learning, davening, or anything else I can think of.
As someone once repeated to me from a chosson shmooze, "Just because you watched NASCAR doesn't mean you know how to drive. or that it is even remotely similar"
But as someone who likes to live in my fantasy head, I guess I would rather watch NASCAR than drive a nice car myself.
in my stupid (insert expletive here) over-imaginative mind I can totally visualize the whole thing and its like I'm there.

Real sex is like making love. Porn is violent, animalistic, primal, base.
My heart lusts that.
Not "oinah" as wonderful as it may (sometimes) be.
Maybe I would appreciate it more if not for my first love, Porn.

I only wish to stop it because of the guilt, the way it distracts me from things that are not only more important but crucial for my Spiritual, Financial, Marital, Paternal life.

Because it is too much.
But what about if I get it (if such a thing is possible) to a Manageable level.
Why is going to stop me then. Yiras Hashem hasn't worked for 20+ years.
What can I possibly do when I finish 90 days.

I still want porn. I always want porn.
How can I make that stop??
Is that even possible.

Sorry just venting.
But please don't tell me how wonderful I am.
That is counter productive.
I am a total POS today.
Maybe I will figure this out at some point.
But for now I want to watch more than I want to stop.
As much as my brain screams stop, that last 3,4 days max.
this has been ongoing cycle for a few years now.

I just saw this post, and love the honesty and rawness. I can say one of two things. One, of you really had a reason to stop that actually made sense to you and was worth it for you, then you would do it. When we feel we're worth it, we can stop. When we feel we're worthless, then indeed why stop?

The second possibility is that everything you said is right and you love porn more than anything else and may always stay that way but will still decide to stop.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 31 Aug 2017 23:23 #319602

Workingguy
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Hope4debetter wrote on 23 Aug 2017 17:40:

Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 20 Aug 2017 19:10:

People at times talk about an awesome steak, skiing, beautiful view, fancy hotels, flying first class, nice cars, or even great chizuk shmooze, sharp pilpul, or dehoibeneh shalosh sheedis or tish.
All that doesn't really interest me if it doesn't involve naked women.
They think I'm a bit of a porush/cheapskate/spoil-sport.
you don't appreciate nice things?!?
you're a tzaddik/loser/clueless (depending who is talking about what)
I just like sex better. ( I don't announce this)
Does that make me an addict? or just I have a taste for sex instead of food or what have you.
since before my Bar Mitzva this is all I wanted.
If I even fix it, then what?
will life suck?
will I all of a sudden want expensive steak or to hear pilpul/hisoirurus?
Or will I just hate my life until I fall into a porn wormhole and breathe.

I felt basically like you and nothing helped me to understand what the heck is going on with me, where I'm standing at, what my real struggles are, and what is the thing(s) I need to do to help myself... This situation went on for years till I was referred to therapy by Relief. I started therapy (tried a few therapists) and was referred to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. The moment the psychiatrist asked me if I have anything more to say and if I'm ready to hear bluntly what's going on with me, I felt that this was the moment! This is what I'm waiting for the past 20 years! and indeed it was!!! He gave me such a clear and precise picture and map of what's happening that I couldn't doubt it. It was painful but relieving (on some degree) at the same moment. In my case this was the only thing that gave me hope and here I am on my second day sober (I had much more days in the past but my life was so miserable then and wasn't interested in nothing, but now I feel I'm still living and I'm interested in work and in people), and still feeling calm and collected, as long as I do the little homework they (doctor and therapist) gave me. I'm not fully ready yet to join a live SA group, but meanwhile I'm trying to benefit from the support on here.

What did the psychiatrist tell you? Did he recommend pills?

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 01 Sep 2017 03:07 #319608

Hashem Help Me
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Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 31 Aug 2017 22:30:

So, I'm 4 days in and itching for porn.
is 4 days a thing or is that just me?
I've had sex this week, so its not just pent up release.
not sure, but if it doesn't settle soon, I'm going to lose my chips.

As with any drug, we go through withdrawal when we stop. I actually cried during those first two weeks. It gets better. The (fake) thrill and excitement of porn and the (fake) cozy warm and soothing release of masturbation will remain for a long time but as time progresses, the terrible longing for them subsides. Are you talking with anyone real about all this? It really helps.

Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 04 Sep 2017 01:06 #319684

Needtoclearmyhead Current streak: 352 days OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 33 Karma: 0	another 7 days and boom 6 hour spiral into the toilet. I didn't stop even when it hurt already. wasn't even enjoyable. blah. need to start with more tools 90 days alone won't cut it.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 04 Sep 2017 01:10 #319685

Hashem Help Me Current streak: 2918 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 4059	Ouch! Sorry to hear. Lets get up and keep going
	Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 04 Sep 2017 04:13 #319700

Needtoclearmyhead Current streak: 352 days OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 33 Karma: 0	sat on SLAA chat tonight for 10pm meeting. I 'm not sure its for porn addiction. Maybe more appropriate for ppl actually sleeping around but I hope to get some knowledge that I can use. Otherwise I will just let it go. Good night all