Sorry if I'm ranting a bit.
Someone chatted me that they don't understand what I'm talking about or the point of posting it.
If this makes no sense to you at least I got it off my chest.
Hopefully someone who reads this can actually give insight that can be useful
if not just sharing some experience from life on the other side of this hell.

This is an excerpt from the white book.
Don't mean to be blunt but it doesn't seem like you really want to stop... yet.

But I love your honesty.

I thought I did.
I thought I was at despair or whatever you call it.
Then a week passed.
It doesn't stay with you is what I'm saying

Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 20 Aug 2017 18:54:

hi there welcome

i'm so happy i read this post i am not sober at all...
in fact i'm in my worst binge since i got married
i feel exactly like what you posted
one difference i believe i'm an addict
it doesn't really help me the belief because now that i'm drunk i don't have the willingness to do what it takes
but i really really related to your post and it helped me that i'm not the only guy who feels like garbage
so don't feel like garbage also check out the 20 tools
and maybe maybe consider checking out if you're an addict
i believe the SA website has a questionnaire to figure it out
best of luck

This was important and meaningful for me to read, Needtoclearmyhead. Thank you for sharing that on this forum. It takes guts!

In a perversely analogous way, I have found that the addict needs to go deeper and deeper into recovery to get what he needs, just as when he is in the throes of his addiction, he needs more and more and more grotesque material to excite. So, for me, when I discovered GYE, a few words of chizuk here and there were at first enough to get me going. I am by no means free of this cunning, baffling addiction. I had my 90 day-streak, and I have lost my sobriety repeatedly in the last 3 months as I go through a major life transition, switching countries and jobs and so many big changes (not an excuse, just that I understand -- because of recovery -- what some of the triggers are for me now....). But what I am saying is that over time, going deeper into recovery has been necessary -- and it has been so rewarding! I had a fall last week. I was so ashamed. I wanted to run away from myself, from Hashem. But to where can you run? And yet despite the shame, I can look at the days of sobriety that I have had since I joined GYE around Pesach of 2016 (and subsequently went to in-person meetings that changed my life....); I can look at those days of sobriety and marvel. I received this incredible gift from Hashem that has been to see the world as it is during the days; to see its full range of colors! To have real relationships with people....

So you gotta go deeper, achi; you gotta go much deeper into it. For example, you mention these words of wisdom from the famous Dov. I only this month started listening to his audio files on GYE. It was a tool that I had not used. Wow, has this changed my life. CHANGED MY LIFE. Some people won't like what he says on there, but it shook me to the core. Hashem does not love the struggle, for example. He does no want us to suffer, to seek the love he has for us in all the wrong places, abusing ourselves in the process. Leaving aside (somehow for a sec) the issue of it's a terrible aveira!!!

Here's something else: I get it, I think. You are angry. And there is some kind of marriage between your anger and your love of this stuff. I loved it too. I did not grow up traditional, and I had many (bad, traumatic!) intimate experiences in my youth. The fantasy and the control, the anonymity, especially online, these were what I retreated into, and you can definitely say that for me it was my loyal friend, lover, which I was desperately attached to all of these years. BUT, I have broken that myth asunder through recovery. Or rather, I am in the process of giving it over to Hashem to take away from me. I cannot do it. I have to turn my will over.

I hope this helps, my friend! 

II would love to talk to you. Unfortunatly i habe a similar problem i love porn! It is great! Im about to go watch for the 2nd time tonight
Google voice 3476996753
or 
iamafighter02@gmail.com 

3476996753
iamafighter02@gmail.com 

Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 20 Aug 2017 19:10:

I felt basically like you and nothing helped me to understand what the heck is going on with me, where I'm standing at, what my real struggles are, and what is the thing(s) I need to do to help myself... This situation went on for years till I was referred to therapy by Relief. I started therapy (tried a few therapists) and was referred to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. The moment the psychiatrist asked me if I have anything more to say and if I'm ready to hear bluntly what's going on with me, I felt that this was the moment! This is what I'm waiting for the past 20 years! and indeed it was!!! He gave me such a clear and precise picture and map of what's happening that I couldn't doubt it. It was painful but relieving (on some degree) at the same moment. In my case this was the only thing that gave me hope and here I am on my second day sober (I had much more days in the past but my life was so miserable then and wasn't interested in nothing, but now I feel I'm still living and I'm interested in work and in people), and still feeling calm and collected, as long as I do the little homework they (doctor and therapist) gave me. I'm not fully ready yet to join a live SA group, but meanwhile I'm trying to benefit from the support on here.

Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 20 Aug 2017 19:10:

i felt that way and still do many many times. in SA and recovery (for the record i'm not yet in recovery my current "streak" is two days) i started having enjoyment in others things and i for he first time felt REAL enjoyment i also thought i enjoyed porn but i was (and am) a slave to lust when i enjoy other stuff simple chat with friends etc. that's real optional willing leisure not being forced by my desires to do something i don't believe in (i do want it on some level it's just gonna kill me so i can't)

best of luck

Wow!  I can relate to what you've written.
It's hard thinking that you've thrown your future, your self down the toilet.  And knowing that you really, really want the stuff that's bad for you-- well, that's human.
I wish I had insight to give you.  I'm not going to even try.  I ask myself whether I really believe in G-d.  If I do, how can I jump into this porn/lust/stuff/shmutz?  More recently, I've been trying on: "well, I think I believe in G-d; it's just reward and punishment that I don't believe in in any meaningful way."  How??  Do I think I'm going to die?  Do I believe I'm going to die?  Yes, I believe I'm going to die.  Do I think I will?  Most of the time, no.  Maybe always 'no'.  Perhaps my attitude towards shmiras einayim is the same.  It's there, but it's not there.  (Not sure that this is clear...)

Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 20 Aug 2017 18:54:

Hi NTCMH. Nice to met you.

I looks like I need to introduce you planet earth and to the Human condition. So with no further adieu, Welcome.

Every human being in the world with no exception loves lusting, you are not the first and not the last, some more and some less. Even great people like lusting.

I can understand why you do not like to hear that you are great, we jews love to feel guilty as if it was a righteous, as if saying that I'm a peice of scum garbage is the greatest thing we can do and Hashem loves such people. As Rabbi YY jacobson puts it "What's a Jew? If he doesn't feel guilty then he blames himself for it."

​Bottom line is that our Rabbis teach us that you, I and every other jew is infinitely great no matter what terrible things we committed and it is heresy to call oneself anything less than that.

Knowing our greatness helps with a few things.

1. If we know how precious we are then we would be more motivated to take care of the great thing we are and not to make it dirty and contaminated.

2. The only way to deal with the yetzer hurah is to be besimcha and if one has this false notion that he/she is a piece of garbage, worthless, etc... then the are not besimcha and you can forget about battling and trucking.

​Denying our greatness and value is a lie. 

Mesayin wrote on 24 Aug 2017 15:35:

I'm not trying to ruin it for you.
If telling yourself these things works for you, go for it.
But no, not everybody lusts like that.
Not everyone likes it, thinks about it, or acts on it nearly as much.

Being condescending and then following it up with cheesy chizuk and corny racial stereotypes is unhelpful.

To reiterate,
I was venting about exactly this.
You're so great even though you sin.......
Doesn't work for me.
Glad it's working for you,
Good luck.

Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 24 Aug 2017 16:34:

Sure thing whatever works for you.

How was I being a racial stereotype?

And I didn't mean to be condescending (I had to google that), I just trying to be a little badchan'dig. Sorry.