Where do I start...I am 89 days free from being mashkiv zerah and on Thursday I was 85 days free from looking at inappropriate web sites. Now I do not know which way is up. I cannot figure out in my head wether I have given up or have the ability to keep going.
Since Thursday I have regressed in my recovery. It started out with me looking at sites but just going for a second and by last night I was sitting on my computer surfing. Oy what has become of my fight?? :-[
Where do I even begin. Being so close to 90 days and it all seems lost. I know a  lot of you will say it is not lost. No one can take away what you've accomplished up until now. But the sad reality is, if at day 85 I can't reign it in and control myself, what hope is there long term?? Another question: Have I destroyed all I have worked for over the last 89 days. The reality is I did not go all the way and was not mashkiv zerah. Does that count for anything? Or does the fact that I let myself fall and look at websites which are clearly not appropriate, does that negate and put me back to square one? All this is very confusing and I am trying desperately not to crumble and throw in the towel.
At the same time, I need honesty from the olam. I don't necessarily want the compassionate, you're doing great speech and no-one can take away what you"ve accomplished!! I need to know the hard facts of how to deal with this. The big question is, "Can I handle the truth???"
P.Y.

I'll give you my honest opinion. Clearly, the yetzer hora went after you in a big way. He didn't want you succeeding. And even so, you fought back, and weren't mz"l.

First of all - have you destroyed what you worked for in the last 89 days? Well, the chofetz chaim says about lashon hora that if someone restrains himself from speaking, even for a minute, he gets access to a spiritual light that even the angels cannot fathom. That's even if he can't control himself, and after that moment, says the lashon hora!

It would seem to me that in our battles, the same would apply - I don't see why not. So even an instant of restraint, of waiting, of beating the yetzer hora, is a huge victory, worthy of celebration. 89 days? No one and nothing can take that away from you.

You fought a long battle, and that's tiring - and now, after having spent so much time and effort, you probably feel drained. But maybe that's your test. Up in heaven, your test wasn't the last 90 days. Maybe Hashem said that you're stronger than that - Everyone knows that Reb Yid can do 90 days. But what if he's pushed down, and he falls - that's the test. Will he have enough strength to get up again?

And clearly, Hashem knows that you do have the strength. And although I haven't been here long, I'm impressed by you, as well - fighting a difficult battle, already having a feeling of "giving in," you still held yourself back from going to the next level of mz"l, which to my mind is HUGE in so many ways!

As for hope long term, I don't know enough about addiction to talk about that (but hey, here I am doing so anyway!) - but it seems to me that at the rate you're going, you're looking at p*&# (I'm sorry, I love using random symbols in place of letters) about 4 times a year. Now yes, that's a tragedy, and it also makes it very easy to slide down a very slippery slope. But it's also a huge victory - You're averaging four periods during a year, when most of us on here have been used to constantly being involved in these things.

Holy Holy Jew,

I'm not sure what the letter of law is regarding the "Wall of Honor". Thats for Rabeinu Guard or one of the mods  to detrmine. However I humbly propose that if u put in a filter on all your computers and phones, and give the passwords to someone else, then maybe we can be mtzaref the "kulah" of "miktzas hyom kkulo" and we count it as 90 full days

Now Keep on Truckin......

With all the love in the world and with awesome respect to a hero member

Noorah

I dont know what it counts as in terms of the Wall of Honor but in my book youre and inspiration and a hero for keeping it strong.

If you would like to know where I think you went wrong here's where I would start:
"But the sad reality is, if at day 85 I can't reign it in and control myself".

That term "self control" is very dangerous to the addict. Its a common misconception among us. We want to control everything from our addiction all the way to the way our lives plan out. We have to go from self-sufficient to God-sufficient. Only He can has a long enough arm to lift us outr of the pits of hell that we've been going through and only He can make sure we dont fall back in. This is a very difficult concept to grasp yet it is the focal point of our recovery.

-INH

Every day you stay clean is gold!

First of all, Hashem judges us by the majority of our actions.  You must have heard this before.

So, what do you have more of, clean days or non-clean days.

Secondly, it's not just a score card.

The 85 days clean means--you see you can do it!  And for 85 days!  You've broken a psychological barrier.  Next time it can be easier for you to reach 85 days (just don't let yourself get depressed about the fall).

Thirdly, take a look at WHY you fell.  It's not because you're stupid; it's because you're yeitzer is trickier than you.  Obviously there was some aspect to your struggle that you overlooked before.  It caught you off "Guard."  At least try not to fall for THIS reason again.

Little by little you have deeper and deeper insights; you patch up more and more holes.

The 90 days clean is just an incentive to help you get off the ground.
The actual process of keeping yourself clean is much more profound.
Little by little, you're working your way out of the clutches of the yeitzer hara.

You're not not trying to change your actions; you're trying to change your perspective.

Each day you stay clean helps you to do this.
Even if you keep on falling in between.

Dear Poshut,

Does 85 days clean count for anything?  You know that it does!  Same with not being Motzi Zerah.

If you were able to make it to 85 days, you can be sure that, b'Ezras Hashem, you are capable of making it to 90!

Take a step back, and ask yourself: why do I want to make it to 90 days, anyway?  You may have your own reasons.  But, the main reason, in my view, is to "retrain your brain" to be able to avoid this garbage.  To do that successfully, it is very helpful to have 90 days without any slips (remember, if you see something by mistake and look away, that does NOT count as a slip).  The point is that the 90 days are to make things easier for you.  Think of other things that you could live without, but that make your life so much easier.  Air conditioning in the summer.  A car.  Indoor plumbing.  Electricity.  And then, add to your list staying clean for 90 days!  If you look at it that way, the y"h will have a heck of a time getting you to give in!

I just realized something else - you said that you kept going on inappropriate sites for just a second.

Can I rephrase that? I believe it would be more accurate to say, "I was tempted many times to look at inappropriate sites, but time and time again, I won the battle, and didn't stay there."

YOU ARE SOMEBODY SPECIAL!!!