Also I’ll be thrilled if there was a chassidus thread. I tried making my own awhile back... didn’t really work out...

OivedElokim wrote on 21 Feb 2021 08:02:

I don't think I was saying anything different.

But for the sake of clarity. Sonce porn and masturbation is a sin, many of us look at it as a Yetzer hara problem which therefore ALL the answers should be found in the Tanya or mussar.

But Tanya/ Chassidus (for me) and mussar (for others) did not work and it bothered me for a long time why not, until I came to realize (after some time here) that I never read the Tanya correctly due to my sick mind.

I just think that my point was to clarify something on the subject that is quite often misunderstood.

You are right that you can’t get to 90 days just by learning a few perakim Tanya...

So I haven't posted in a while, life has been busy, but I think it's a good idea for an update.

I've been on a 30-60 day cycle for a while now. While thats better than when I started, and I don't obssess over the calendar anymore (because it wasn't helping me). I would like to get farther.

Typically around day 30 lust starts to build up, regardless of my intimate life. There is something so sweet and precious in porn, that real intimacy can't replace. It's like sugar cookies. There's no replacement, they are truly delicious junk.

This time, I have an additional challenge. With a new member to the family, I have not been intimate in a while. 

Nevertheless, although I'm feeling desire for lust, its not getting as strong as I would expect. My theory is my marriage is in a good place, and despite not being intimate, my wife and I are having meanigful conversations and connection points, which probably helps my resolve not to let her down (even though she doesn't know about my problem)

The other items that may be helping. I've been spending a little more time on and of gye. 

Either way, thanks for listening and i pray to Hashem we all stay clean one day at a time.

Keep it up.
Hatzlacha and much nachas!

On a related note to my above post. As I have not been intimate with my wife. I've been reminded what it was like as a bochur. There really is an excitement that sex (or porn) can add to ones life, that really is not replaced by anything. So it got me thinking, how do we expect bochurim to really handle it 

My thought was (bderech efsher). Just like now, I'm married, my intimate life truly doesn't fill the void of on demand super exciting porn. Truthfully intimacy is very differet. Intimacy when done right is more fulfilling and meanigful, but it does not replace the excitment of porn. Porn and sex with self is still tantilizing. There's much more variety. Proof is in the pudding, I've been married now for a while, yet still, sometimes even after just being with my wife I want porn.

Nevertheless, I understand that with skipping porn, yes I'm missing something exciting, and it truly is hard, but I am gaining somethi g meanigful.

I think the same is for a bochur. I only started really acting out at age 18. Before I started acting out, i was so much more focused and driven. Life without porn may be missing the excitment, and really there may be no replacement for it. But it's so much more meaningful, and makes your bochur years so much more powerful

It's like lehavdil in the world you can't have everything. Someone who buys sodas and eats in fast food restaurants will be a little fat. Of you work out and eat well, it may not be as fun, but your better off in life.

I dont know if any of this makes sense. If I'm way off please lt me know

Mazel Tov!
Lots of Yiddishe nachas!

Mazal tov! May you have much nachas! Your an inspiration to us all. Upwards and onwards!

Hakolhevel wrote on 17 Mar 2021 02:21:

Nicely put.  The reality is, a bochur will never really understand.  Certainly one that has been exposed to porn.  That being said, any bochurim on this site is already miles ahead in the game.  The fact that they are on GYE and fighting, will go a long way in helping them establish a better foundation for their marriage.  Hopefully, by reading all the stories that us married guys have written, will help drive the point home.  I enjoy your deep thought provoking posts.  Please keep them coming. 

I am just seeing this now so sorry for the delay. 

First off, Mazal Tov!

Second, you put it down beautifully. Relationship doesn't replace porn or lust and neither is it necessarily going to be a more pleasurable experience. What it can do when done right, is fill a hole, a hole that you may have been filling with junk food until now. Junk food tasted good, but it leaves you feeling nauseous afterwards. Eating healthy will help you with your hunger, but it won't take away the temptation of junk food. You can work on the pros and cons, but at the end of the day, those cookies are tempting.

I've learned to realize this too. Lust is still tempting, it's just not good for me. It's interesting that I find that my weight gain/loss and my state with lust go hand in hand. Some guys here say that when one is up the other is down etc. I find it to be the opposite. When I am focused, I can focus on keeping healthy in all areas, when I am slipping and sliding, it's everywhere.

Either way, thanks for bringing this out so clearly.

Wilnevergiveup

wilnevergiveup wrote on 01 Apr 2021 06:40:

Thanks! BH still clean here.

Funny how those cookies are not as tempting on Pesach?

So after 62 days im back at one. I learned a couple lessons along the way that I hope to share. In the meantime onwards and upwards!

Thought number one. For the vast majority of the time of my latest streak up to and including now, my wife was not available (baby). 

I'm the past I wouldn't last very long (in fact the first baby we had is what brought on my first relapse since dating her)

So I take this as a big win. 

The lesson though that can be applied in your cases. In the beginning of the of the physical distance we were still emotionally close. We have been working on our marriage and it really paid. However as time went on, plus add on Pesach and other business, we slowly crept to our old habits and just got busy but didn't spend any time to maintain emotional closeness. As the emotional clossness faded, my lust returned, and more importantly, my resolve to stay strong slowly faded. 

I didn't realize it till it was too late. I think I was lusting for a few days (although technically clean) until I came to a situation which propelled me really fast to act out. 

More on the fall itself in another post (I want to touch upon trigger, the lust, hopefully next time)

So the short version is, I beleive I was lusting due to a lack that I had in my life at that time, my emotional relationship with others. Too often we focus on the actual problem (acting out) and forget to work on the story behind our problem.

Hopefully some of what I said makes sense. Hopefully it helps me, and of it helps you, Mah tov.

Very wise post. A guy who falls after a long clean streak, who understands what happened, is in a healthy state of mind and has what to look forward to. Putting aside the obvious disappointment, one does not fall into yi'ush and then chas v'shalom binge. What you write about the relationship between losing the emotional connection and the eventual acting out is so on the mark. Many married guys here who BH recovered, credit their relearning how to be intimate (no, that does not mean sexual intimacy) with a spouse - both in and out of the bedroom, as being a major part of their recovery. They lose interest in the garbage on the screen after having tasted the real thing. Regarding the sexual part of their marriage, when it is the "icing on the cake" of intimacy - the "peak of the mountain" of their becoming a husband and wife team - when it is the culmination of the close relationship - and not an act in a vacuum, it makes them view pornography as a repulsive, uninviting, and poor attempt at an imitation.

Great thread. Subscribed. Please keep these insightful posts coming. As a chosson and very nervous of hearing about how marriage can sometimes make things more difficult (especially after a baby, understandably) it would be great to hear more so that I can go in with all the tools possible to be ready for the fight.

And mazel Tov!