cordnoy wrote on 28 Dec 2020 18:57:

A few gray hairs is old, but hundreds of grey hairs makes you a sage

So someone today (not here) told me I'm passive aggressive. I've always heard the term, but never looked into it.

Now while I'm not usually aggressive, but the little I researched definitely applied to me, when I'm aggressive, I'm passive aggressive.

It's really bothering me (not sure why) anyone else with this nature, is it bad good or in the middle? Just looking for some ideas.

I'm not an expert on aggressive or passive-aggressive, but I think like all personality traits it depends on how you use them.

I'm definitely not an expert but i would guess that many people tend to be passive aggressive to let out their aggression when it gets let out, as the alternative would be physical aggression and don't think so many people do that nowadays. So I think the goal is to as much as possible strive to not be bothered by what other people say/do and to just accept as much as you can. But in the situations that you can't control yourself and become "aggressive" I don't think passive aggressive is such a problem as opposed to normal aggression.

Hopefully this helped - not sure if this answered your question

,

E.H.

Passive aggressive is a bad habit and it can be worse then just aggressive, when your aggressive you at least acknowledge that you are angry, and then you act in an aggressive behavior, but when you are passive aggressive you will not acknowledge that you are angry, but will act out with little things because you’re angry.

A typical example of passive aggressive would be, not taking out the garbage when your angry at your wife, or not being talkative to your workmate while you are angry on something he did, the ideal way would be when someone hearts you, to acknowledge that you are angry, and approach the person you are angry with and talk about it, or at least be open with yourself and acknowledge your anger.

Passive aggressive means to be aggressive by withholding something instead of being aggressive with actions (physical, verbal, etc.). Some people are passive aggressive when they feel vulnerable as a means of protecting themselves. Someone who is being taken advantage of can withhold a service that he provides in order to get what he needs. 

It may be something to work on but it's not as black and white as some others are making it seem. There may be many things at play and that's if you are actually passive aggressive in the first place.

Thank you all for the response, it was very insightful.

So I came to the conclusion that I am generally not aggressive, I generally have a live or let live attitude. But when someone really gets under my skin, I do go to passsive aggressive and I tell myself I'm a good guy because I'm not being "aggressive"

Now I realized like all parts of life, communication is key. If I really have something against somene and I can't work theough it myself, I should talk to them about it, even though it makes me uncomfortable.

Thanks to y'all!

It makes me very uncomfortable to speak to people about issues I have with what they are doing bc im a very non confrontational person but when I do speak to ppl about issues its sooooooo worth it

So I've been thinking of starting a thread specific to Chabad Chassidus. How my unhealthy mind could not truly break free with Chassidus. Why? Because I understood it I'm a very kroom (crooked) way. And now I understand it in a much better light.

I also see some guys posting quotes from Tanya occasionally here, or people saying just learn Chassidus and you will be ok. Which I think, if your mind is unhealthy, it won't work. 

Kind like in general many people used Torah/mussar over the years to break free, and obviously it didn't work for them, so they ended up on the, and once you get into recovery, you start to think, well why didn't it work? After all Torah has all the answers? Of course the reason being we had u healthy minds and totally subverted the Torah.

As a Chabadnick I have done the same with Chassidus and I want to both clarify my thoughts and hear from others.

Either way, if you agree or not, my dilema is should this forum be under break free, under what helps me under beis medrash or the torah chizuk section? Has to many menu options and I can decide. 

If you have a good idea let me know. 

I would like it to be a place of discussion (if anyones interested) and sadly it looks like the Torah threads stay pretty quite

So what say you?

I'd definitely be interested in a thread like that

I think that if this approach is "what worked for you" then it goes there but if it's just chizzuk, or a discussion, then it belongs in the beis medrash or "Torah and chizzuk" section.

Yes, I second that the B"M section is very quiet. I used to post in a thread I started there but that fizzled out, hopefully I will start again one day.

I would be very interested in such a thread.

In regards to the above:

There is a website stumptherabbi.org/
There are alot of interesting questions answered in regards to yiddishkeit in general.

The Alter Rebbe says (loose quote), instead of so many chassidim coming for yechidus the Tanya will answer any question a person might have.

So the question arises as @HakoelHevel mentioned, is tanya the answer to our "addiction"?

In one of the videos ( stumptherabbi.org/?s=Tanya )
In short, no. Tanya doesn't replace a therapist. Tanya is for the average guy with a regular yetzer hora.

Zedj wrote on 12 Feb 2021 05:40:

Thanks Zedj! 

To me the big issue when I first got here was reconciling what I believed to be chassidus vs what was being taught here. For a while I thought many people on here where borderline kofrim.

Living with the problem so long, I believed I had all the answers in chassidus and Torah. If only I would truly follow that path I would break free. 

After a while I came to realize, not only did I need help, but I never really understood the Torah or Chassidus path. As we know Ein Chavush Mattie Es Atzmo. I read everything In the wrong way. (Or it was taught to me in the wrong way )

So my wife shared with me something she saw on Facebook

"Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed...

Chassidus teaches us how to deal with everything, including this struggle.
By that I mean it gives us the proper perspective.
It does not provide the basic tools to live as a sane human being, which is what we need to learn. But on the other hand-there is no such thing as a Torah or chassidus approach and a regular approach. There’s only Hashem and his Torah. Torah tells us that we need doctors for our health. So when we go to a doctor we are following Torah. I think that applies in every area. Also breaking a porn or masturbation habit. The tools we can get from secular sources as long as we don’t confuse ourselves and have two parallel tracks of growth in our life. Lmk if I’m not making any sense...