Sometimes I wonder if being a big shot (since I am the most humble guy I have ever met, I must be a big shot) is such a bad thing. Right now the main thing that is keeping me clean for 6 days so far is the 90 day chart. Why does the 90 day chart work for me, because I know that my name (ok, not my birth name, my rebirth name) is up on the chart for everyone to see, and since I think that I am G-d's gift to the world, I know that if I fall everyone is going to see that I'm a loser (which I am, since I've been losing for more years then I can count on my hands (and feet). Ok I know someone is going to tell me that I'm not a loser, and I would say that to you also, and I would believe it too - when I'm talking about you. Somehow when it's about myself, it's much harder to believe.
So that's why I'm specifically calling attention to my chart so that if I feel myself slipping I will think how embarrassed I will be since everybody will know about it (which hasn't been since high school.)
Anyway, thanks for listening - assuming that anybody is listening .

There are a couple things going on with our addiction. One thing is that we are so used to acting out that it's part of our routine and we need to break that. However you break that is probably great. The other part of it is that for many people, we act out because it's our solution to our problems. For lasting recovery we need to dins another solution to our problems.

Amar Rav Yehudah : le'olam ya'asok adam betora uvemitzvos shlo lishmah, shemitoch shlo lishmah ba lishmah

We have a difficulty/challenge/compulsion/illness/addiction - take your pick.
Grab motivation from wherever you can get it.

Stillgoing you're doing tremendous. You think you're a loser. You think you're worthless either because or its the cause. Regardless of which type you are, you have to relinquish this nonsense that has taken root in the depths of your soul. Being a big shot in this area is definitely encouraged and we are all here for you and behind you.

Just remember this: Getting clean is the easy part. Dealing with life is the dynamic and hard part. Let it all go. You can only lose if you are in control. Paradoxically the less controlling you are the more significant you become. So let go and stop trying to win. Your not a winner or a loser. You're not even playing that game. Just let it all go.

Keep the steak going!

So I'm a little confused. A lot of places on this forum people write that part of healing is learning how to think of other peoples needs before your own. Then why is it good to have an ego?

So here's my take on it.

Ego and selfishness, despite popular opinion, are not synonymous. We use the words interchangeably -- "He's an ego-maniac, a selfish so-and-so!" -- but if you really focus on the words' respective definitions, you'll see a world of difference.

What's an ego? Well, according to secular psychology (which I am no huge fan of), we are. And that's all we are. Our ego is our self, everything that makes up our consciousness (yeah, and there's a super-ego, and an id, blah, blah, blah). But, the ego is the self that we are aware of in relation to the rest of the universe. It's our identity, and everything wrapped up therein.

So an egoist is someone who prioritizes that self -- the ego -- before everyone else, and everything else. He is concerned for his self-interest, primarily, and not much else. That's selfish, by definition: the self is placed at the center of the universe.

So the question, then, is: Can one have a positive ego, a healthy, secure ego, and still be selfLESS? If self-LESS-ness is the act of putting other people before oneself, can a person's ego -- his identity and confidence and pride -- remain intact?

In theory, I think the answer is, "Yes." However, in practice, we often go about achieving self-LESS-ness through ego debasement, through effacing our selves. We insist on cutting ourselves down, diminishing our self-worth, devaluing our G-d given and priceless neshamot to feel lowly, and avoid the behavior that sometimes comes with excessive pride.

The problem is, if we think we're scum, eventually, we'll act like scum. So the question I ponder a lot is: How do I feel good about myself and maintain a healthy ego, while putting other people first?

Thank you. That's deep and good. You know I've picked up from these forums that we need to find the cause root in our lives that is causing us to look to foreign pastures (did that sound too poetic?) meaning what is wrong in our life that is making us act out. So I've been thinking and came up with a whole bunch of things in my life that could be doing it. But after that great post, I think that I will start with that, and try to figure out -- in your words,

Have a good Shabbos.
SG

Hope things are still going good!

I'd like to expound on TlamidChaim's approach. I think that both ideas are true. On the one hand, sometimes being an egoist is selfish. Yet, at other times it's very necessary. My approach to this matter is that I try to help people as much as I can. However, there are times when it would be to my detriment to help someone out, for example,I'm going to end up being late to an appointment, which would cause me to lose my appointment. In circumstances like these I'm not being selfish when Itell them I can't give them a ride, since I also matter & so does my well being. Meaning, that if I give this person a ride I'm going to suffer consequences that are irrational etc.that's not selfish. It might be an egoist. However, I believe that everyone needs a healthy ego to some degree. Since many times if I didn't have somewhat of an ego/ positive self esteem I wouldn't be able to preform many activities. I'd like to give a caution though that just because it's good to have an ego, we should be careful that we don't step over/ take advantage of other people. That's something to be wary about.
Have a Great Shabbos Everyone

Daven only for Hashem to show you His will for you and the strength to carry it out. Then go the next right thing.

Hatzlacha!

Talmid chayim,
You're usual profound self.
Are you a professor?
Certainly a clear thinker and writer. Well done. When I catch my breath I might read it again.

Definitely not a professor, always a student.

OK, so studentChaim or anybody else who wants to answer, TalmidChaim and TheBigX90 have explained the difference between an ego and a self serving person. So what would you say to a person who on the one hand is very helpful, both at home and in the community, someone who in our definition would be called selfless, and yet in private he is the most selfish person he knows. Watching p___ despite having a wonderful wife and kids, mz"l despite having been granted millions of 2nd chances from his creator. I'd say, such a person has an underlying middah of selfishness. But if he's selfish, then what is all of his helping about? (Guilty conscious?)

Still going,
What do I know but given what you've said I don't think you're selfish.
Maybe issues and fears that we have make us retreat to soothing activities that are self centred but does that mean you are selfish?
Does your wife tell you that you're selfish? That maybe an indicator.
I'm not knowledgeable re these things; I'm just offering my view.

[quote="shlomo613" post=253804]Still going,

Does your wife tell you that you're selfish? That maybe an indicator.

I agree with Shlomo613, I don't think I'd call this person selfish for acting out I think he's acting out in order to soothe his issues that he's currently dealing with & he's doing it the way he's gotten used to doing (Naaseh Lo Keheter).
Also, I don't at all mean this personally but this person might have to do some introspection, as in how often is it happening etc. since if it's a rare occurance ie. a very stressful situation that he may be just throwing himself under the bus & it may just be his own perception of the situation, & not the reality.