I have been receiving the chizuk emails for months now, and yet, as hard as I try and as much chizuk as I try to internalize from the emails, I still seem to slip.  I must conquer this.

I made a New Year's resolution to stop being mishkav zera, not looking at pornography and the likes.  I was able to make it until the 5th, and then fell again today.  This is when I decided that it was time to start taking the emails more seriously, and begin "blogging" if you will about my journey to sobriety.

My porn addiction used to be far worse, looking at it whenever I could.  Now, although I have been able to control myself while at home or at the office, whenever I travel it seems that I cannot control myself.  I spend hours at night in the hotel room searching the internet for porn.  And even worse, not only have I fallen to the internet and porn, this has lead me to massage parlors, which provide more than just massages.  Every time that I go there I feel horrible about myself, telling myself that I wont go again.  I can't.  How many people who I hurt if I told them what I was doing.  My life would fall apart completely.  My wife, my kids.  Everything.  Every time I daven, and say the special tefilla asking for forgiveness in Shma Koleinu, I know how I am kidding myself.

Today is a new beginning.  I can no longer go on doing what I have been doing.  I feel horrible about what I do every time it happens, and it is time for it to end.

And so I begin my journey to sobriety.  While I cannot count today as day 1, I will have two day 1's - today and tomorrow.  I will succeed.  Everything in life not only requires Hashem's help, but also requires hishtadlus.  When I set my mind on almost anything in life, I will do whatever it takes to get it done.  In business, within the community, etc.  So this is part of my hishtadlus, and I daven to Hashem that he will help me to control my hirhurim and taavos, and give me the bracha that I will succeed finally in conquering this horrible position that I have fallen into.

welcome home dear Jew. We are here for you. For starters, I would read the first 5 stories and the replies on this page. As you read, digest the advice that is given there. When you are done there, I would read some of the recovery stories here. There you will see that people in your Matzav or even worse, have succeeded in breaking free.

Beating this takes more than just a decision. Don't kid yourself. This is an addiction, a kind of spiritual disease. But once you know that, there are tried and proven methods that can help you keep the addiction in complete remission and under full control BE"H. I would advise you to speak with Elya on the hotline here and join the free Sunday group as a start. Also, a strong filter is very important. And each time, before you travel, post here on the forum about your dillemas and fears, and think about what brings you to fall, and we will work out a battle strategy together. For example, I know a guy who used to browse the yellow page books in his hotel rooms and find the bad stuff. When he realized that he was only a step away from the edge of the cliff, he made a vow not to open the yellow pages in his hotel room at all. You see, you can't face the Yetzer hara straight on. You need to have a plan to hit him from behind, and avoid him as much as possible. See Rabbi twerski's approach on the bottom of this page.

Have you considered therapy? It is very helpful to have someone trained in sexual addictions help you deal with this, face to face. Our site has lists of therapists, list of filters, lists of anything you need. Just ask and I'll point you to the links and advise you on the best ones and best strategies...

Keep posting here. We are all here for you. Hashem has waited all these years for you to be ready to do Teshuvah. In the process of breaking free you will learn great things about yourself and about how to give your heart to Hashem, even in the most difficult times. Join our soldiers now battling the evil in Eretz Yisrael. You are now in the REAL battlefield. You can make a huge difference!

Thank you for the recommendation and links to these amazing stories.  It is amazing to see that other people who were in the same situation were able to break free of this horrible addiction.

Today I began my first day.  This morning at Shacharis, I davened to Hashem to help me succeed THIS time, because it was time to put it behind me.  For too long have I fallen and then asked Hashem for forgiveness, knowing that I could not control myself the next time.  I would even rationalize that I shouldnt ask for forgiveness that morning because I knew what I was going to do that day.

Baruch Hashem, today has been a great day.  I don't get the taavos on a daily basis, just every once in a while, and that is when it is hard to control it.  But I will succeed!!!

hey great job!! The minute you decided to purify yourself Hashem sends extra help, sometimes it may come in the form of a test but once you get past the test the help is huge!!Just direct all of you self hate and anger and frusration at the y'h and you will see nissim. I have found that the angrier I get at the y'h the more I get help from above.Neever ever let the y'h get you to a point of de[ression thats all he wants.It is not the act he wants its the bad feelings that come with hat makes you want to give up and become self loathing and depressed.just think of building a house,each day that you are clean is one more strong brick you are laying into the foundation to build a beautiful house to live in with your wife and kids together with Hashem.that house is your life!!!!!

Hi Struggling,
I have been pretty much where you are and not very long ago.  I subscribed to the chizuk email nearly from the beginning, but always flew solo in my battle.  As Hanukkah approached I finally got it through my head that I need help, a place to vent and get input from those further on in their battle.  So as Hashem said to Yehoshua, "Be strong and courageous."  We have our own territory to conquer, we do our part and Hashem does His, and one day there will be victory.

Today I am on day 3.  Baruch Hashem, 3 days clean.  Shabbos was great, and today has started out as a great day as well.

I was feeling a little bit of something come on, and instead of falling, I decided to immediately come onto this site and write about how well I am doing.  It has become a real sense of encouragement being able to talk about this difficult journey.

Thank you all for your encouragement.

Day 4 is almost done B"H. I passed by one of the "massage parlors" that I used to go to, and for a fleeting moment I had a thought about going there, but was able to control my yetzer hara and tell him no, I would not go.  I am going to beat him this time and IY"H many more times. 

I cannot stress enough how important being able to write about my accomplishments is.  KNowing that I would have to admit that I have fallen is a huge deterrant.

Going down the street of the massage parlors you used to go to is dangerous. 
Please don't tempt it just so you can say, "see I beat you this time."
Next time may be different.
Take another route.

You're making great progress.  Once you realize you have the ability to say NO
you can stop.  Once you give in, you're powerless to stop.

I would use the power of vows to help you avoid such places in the future. For example, make a vow that for 6 months you will give $200 to Tzedaka if you go into one of those places.

Normally making vows is frowned upon by our sages as with someone playing with fire, but when it comes to girding oneself from sexual temptation, we find that making vows is praised by the Torah and by Chaz"al. As the Pasuk says "Nishbati Va'akayeima, lishmor Mishpatei Tzidkecha" - "I have vowed and will uphold it, to guard your righteous laws". And also it says "Nishba Lehora Velo Yamir - Oseh eileh lo Yimot Le'olam" - "He who swears to prevent bad and does not nullify... he will never falter". And Chaza"l also say that Bo'az swore to guard himself from transgressing when Ruth came to him in the silo at night, as it says "Chai Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker" - "In the name of G-d, lay here until morning". See here and here to learn how to make vows safely and effectively!

But what Elya wrote above is also very important. Like Elya once posted on the forum:

Our addiction (YH) tells us that we can do Teshuva by passing by places we used to go, just to say we passed by and didn't go in again, or didn't meet that person again.  But this is a setup, because when you do it enough times you will go back to it.

It's like this story in 6 chapters:

Chapter 1: I walk down the street, I see a hole, I fall in.
Chapter 2: I walk down the street, I see a hole, I fall in, I get up.
Chapter 3: I walk down the street, I see a hole, I walk around it.
Chapter 4: I walk down the street, I see a hole, I cross to the other side.
Chapter 5: I walk down the other side of the street
Chapter 6: I walk down a different street.

The two of you are absolutely right.  As I sit down to write this today, the feelings of failure and guilt going through my head are horrific.  I succumbed today, and I can't believe I did it.  I cannot even write about it, that's how horrible I feel.

I am not going to drive down that street, it is horrible for me.  The yetzer hara tested me, and I failed.  I was good for 6 days and I blew it.

But I cannot give up because I want to succeed.

So tomorrow starts day 1 again.  I am shooting for 90 days, but taking one day at a time.  I will succeed.

Skip chapter 3 and go straight to chapter 6!

You may have fallen, but if you learn from the fall you can uplift it. A true soldier NEVER gives up. If you fall again and again, you need to start asking yourself if perhaps you need to start taking stronger steps. Did you call Elya on the Hotline, or at least join the 12-Step free conference groups on Sundays? Are you reading the daily Chizuk e-mails.

Stay strong. We are here for you.

"Struggling", in addition to learning to stay away from such streets, perhaps you can also learn a general lesson about the whole battle.
In order to succeed, you have to appreciate that you are up against a very capable, experienced, sly and malicious enemy. He uses any and every weapon and tactic that he can.
The only way to succeed is to take the battle as seriously as he takes it. You have to be in "battle mode". You have to make use of every tactic that can be helpful. You have to make sure not to give the enemy a chance! Once you get in to that mindset, you are sure to succeed!!!

I have not been able to write for quite some time, as I have fallen a couple of times over the past few weeks.

Today is day 6 in my newest quest, and I am taking it one day at a time.  I made it 7 days until last week on Tuesday, and then I fell.

I am trying to tell myself that I can do it, taking it one day at a time. 

Thank you all for your help and I look forward to sharing my success of today with you tomorrow.

What you are doing is so important.  You fall, you get up and dust yourself off, you try again.  The fact that you keep trying is a great indicator of your sincerity and your strength.  Keep going, we are rooting for you, you can do this.  Just keep going one day at a time.

dear struggling, it's the other way around!! precisely when you fall is THE time to write us and tell us of your failure. And this will help you, when you see that your fellow jews are listening to you!!! the power of listening works like magic - in ANY relationship.and it works here, too. so when you fail, WRITE, WRITE, and WRITE again!!