Good to hear from you again!

Just wanted to mention something i heard from Dov. Sometimes, when we start feeling enthusiastic about this test, there's a danger, because we enjoy the struggle, we come to see the struggle as something that defines us. Part of who we are is "the guy who doesn't give up and keeps struggling against Lust." The problem with that, of course, is that we don't want to give up Lust, because then we'd be losing part of our identity.

thanks for the replies everyone 

things are busy here, which is another way of saying that things are good, both in terms of life in general and with shemiras einayim and shemiras habris.

SB- i see the truth in that thought and can certainly see its dangers. but to be completely honest, the way i've been feeling over the past couple of months (and its certainly not just limited to this streak by any means) is due to trying to stay busy. one amazing idea that i heard in yeshiva was from the Ramchal in Mesillas Yesharim saying that its man's nature to always be working. before that point, based on my secular, western, 21st century viewpoint, i always thought you work to go on vacation; you work so that you can afford new ways to relax (whether that means books, tv etc.). but to learn that from a Torah perspective that you go on vacation and relax so that you can work (which i take to mean serving H-shem, whether through a career or Torah and hopefully an appropriate mix of the two), was a completely revolutionizing idea.
since getting back to the states and starting work, my schedule has only become jam-packed with work, learning and other family things. but despite how busy i am,  i've never been happier. one reason i know that i'm enthusiastic about this test is that its the one major area where my avodas H-shem has been (severely) lacking and now more than ever i'm trying to focus (or rather, focus by taking away the focus) on this area so that i can hopefully continue on the never-ending journey towards total avodas H-shem.
i probably sound like a arrogant 19 year old right now (hopefully not), but i'm really just trying my best in this area. i figured out and put into practice things that slowly but surely are helping me to win this battle. i hope i'm not permanently defining myself as a Jew with problems with shemiras habris b/c then i know that it becomes who i am, instead of just a (correctable) action that i'm doing.

well, that's a long rant. meh, hopefully it clarifies some of what i'm thinking.

i hope everyones day was amazing.

i know realistically, i'll have a bit of a challenge with laziness tomorrow, as i dont start work until 6 oclock. hopefully i'll simply be able to conquer the yetzer hara of tv (not that its that much of a problem) and limit my computer use (to as little as possible).

hatzlocha rabba.

Day 8 

just checkin in. had a bit of a slip today, as i started using a computer w/o a filter when noone was around. (only with H-shem's help) i caught myself and made it out okay. realistically, i shouldn't have been using that computer and i know that b/c i have a day off tomorrow, i have to make some type of neder to make sure that i dont use it. besides for the bump in the road, things B"H are well. i'm still trying to keep busy during the day though i know i could be learning more gemara (its still a big struggle for me, as i opened a gemara for the first time less than a year ago). i also know that i could be more economical with my time. not that i waste that much of it but i hate the fact that i kill time (and i hate that expression b/c its sooo true).

well, off to bed. hopefully everyone's day was amazing.

hatzlocha rabbah.

Day 9 

day 9 is beautiful!
KOT

shalom aleichem.

B"H things are good. despite having an off day at work, i kept busy at home with watching my pets and learning. i also got a call from my rosh yeshiva from this past year and it was great to catch up with him and let him know how things are going. otherwise things are still going well. i made sure not to even touch the computer while noone else was home. so i've proved to myself that i am capable (with H-shem's help) to remove some of the challenges in this area.

well, that's all for tonight.

hatzlocha rabbah.

Day 10. 

learning it great! highly recommended
that was nice to get a call from your rosh hayeshiva. it feels good when someone goes out of his way to get to you, doesnt it feel good?

just wanted to take a chance to reflect on some things with regards to tv/computers.

right now, due to work cirumstances and the rest of my siblings being away for the current time, i have been forced to watch and entertain our dogs when i'm home during the day (which is 4 or 5 hours a day). realistically, i can only learn seriously when i'm sitting at a table/desk. so while i'm watching the dogs, this means it's very, very difficult for me to learn, even something as simple as shnayim mikrah or tanach.

i know that this distraction/work is whats driven me away from gemara over the past two weeks and i'm not really sure what i should do to get back into it. anyone have any tips?

i think i have a couple of suggestions for myself:
- dont turn on the tv when watching the dogs. period. give your full attention to the dogs when they need it and read a book or sefer when they dont need your full attention.
-only use the computer an absolute maximum of 3 times a day (including checking email and GUE). limit time to no more than 15 minutes  per time if necessary.

my feeling is that H-shem gave me this test so that i know that if i can learn even in an environment as unavoidable and learning-prohibitive as this then that will temper me for the environment to come in college. i just daven that H-shem gives me the drive to be able to tough it out now b/c i know that i have the kochos or H-shem wouldn't have put me in this situation.

any body have any tips???  :o

B"H still keepin busy during the day, even when i'm not working. I only hope everyone else's days went well. i'm davening for all of us. 

Hatzlocha rabba.

Day 11

Welcome back, Shlomo.  Glad to hear you are doing well.

Shlomo wrote on 12 Jul 2011 03:50:


I have found that, besides staying busy, I also need to try staying CALM.  Being busy, by itself, can eventually backfire.

--Eye.

well, i'm back to post. but bad news. i fell on friday and again today. and both times it was for reasons that could've (and shouldve been prevented). they both happened on days where i didnt have that much work and i was left at home alone. its pathetic and i know that i should be able to stand up to the test, but i guess i need stronger deterrents. i mentioned making some type of neder against not using that computer but then i just never did. i noticed that i have the tendency that if i dont do something right away, a lot of times i'll just forget to do it. so i just want to take care of it now.

(bli neder) if i use the unfiltered internet in my home with noone around, i will run 2 miles. this applies whether or not i look at pritzus, but just any usage of the computer without anyone around.

running 2 miles might not seem that bad, but it takes up a decent amount of time and will hopefully be a good enough deterrent to not use the computer.

and i guess i've learned 2 things from these falls:
1) when i dont have access to unfiltered internet (i.e. just my own computer) then with H-shem's help i can tip the balance in my favor and be successful
2) i've learned that i am becoming sensitized to pritzus. its not just evident from these past falls, but after a fall, i've been feeling down, not because i feel worthless or depressed, but just because i feel like i've destroyed part of my relationship with H-shem and i know that i want to repair it as soon as possible. and it takes a little while before i can feel worthy to stand in front of H-shem again but it always comes.

i guess things arent as good as they could be but hopefully i'll be able to clean up my act. signing off for today.

hatzlocha rabbah

Keep trucking man, FELL SCHMELL, you can get up and be sober today. All the best to You.

Remember, BABY STEPS COUNT TOO! Keep remembering, Baby steps count too!

If you're alone in the house, maybe you can't fight the internet.

But you can get out of the house.

--Eye.

thanks for the posts. things went better today despite the fact that i had the same temptations. one thing i've been trying (starting last week) was really trying to think about everything i do to add an aspect of intention to my life. a lot of things i do are just impulses (not always negative but, like this area, they can be) and so i'm working to overcome that area and its slowly working to improve my yiras shamayim. so even when i was home alone today i thought about using the computer but then realized that to look at pritzus would just be a mechitza between H-shem and I, which is obviously the last thing that i want (though my actions might not always show it  . but i'm happy to say that keeping busy, calm and thoughtful helped me get through the day.

hatzlocha rabbah.

day 1

just checkin' in. baruch H-shem today went well but it was really busy. got to catch up with some friends which was nice. on to tomorrow.

hatzlocha rabbah

Day 2

Shlomo wrote on 20 Jul 2011 04:18:


That's a 100% increase in just one day!

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 20 Jul 2011 05:44:


thanks  thats a really good way to look at each day.

B"H things went well today. even though i had a "free" afternoon, i stayed focused and kept away from the computer in general, which is a great strategy for me.

i've noticed that i could still be better with overall computer use but eh, i guess its a work in progress. it just comes down to where i use it. i realized that keeping it at my desk is impractical but maybe that bit of inconvenience is just what i need to kick this habit (not that i really overuse the computer). hopefully within the next few months i'll be able to get a smartphone and that will help me use the computer even less b/c i'll have access to email on my phone and wont have to use a computer and then get sidetracked etc....well, i have a day off tomorrow so i can only daven that H-shem helps me learn well and stay focused and calm.

hatzlocha rabbah. i hope every had a great yom revi'i b'shabbos  :D

Day 3