I wanted to share what has been helping me lately.

As I have written in a recent post, I was having quite a rough time, I had slipped a few nights in a row. I was tired of youtube already and the next step was......I was in a situation where if someone were to tell me that they were at that point, I would have not been able to give them any advice.

But I went into my car, and I talked to Hashem (see aforementioned post for details of the conversation) and I am happy to say that I am sober.

I have used this a few times since then, with %100 success BH.

Here is what I have found to be helpful.

I found that every discussion included my telling Hashem three main points:

1) My fears/resenments

2) My desires (which are coming because of my f/r)

3) Asking Hashem to carry me through

I found the first two dificult to do, the first because when I started saying them I realized that it was silly that I was worrying about them/letting them get to me. But I let it out, I told them to Him, and excused myself that I am human and cannot always see and trust Hashem, therefore these things do affect me.

The second I found dificult because I had to let it all out, "I want to look at naked women and to calm me down from You" and saying that brought it to my attention for real, forcing me to really see what I was ready and likely to do.

The third came automatically after the second, I realized I have a problem, and that if I stayed within myself I would do that, I only had one choice. It was a wholesome, real Prayer.

A few people have already asked some questions about the idea, and as I don't have too many answers I wanted to share and hear from the oilam.

What brought me to doing this was the following. The Rambam in Hilchos texhuvah writes that a person is obligated to be misvadeh "in front of Hashem". I saw someone who asks, What is the meaning of that lashon? He answers that if a person would to stand outside of a room and he would hear someone talking inside, he would automatically assume that the person inside was talking to someone, if he would open the door and nobody was there, then he would assume the guy was talking on his bluetooth.

A person does not talk unless it is to somebody (and crazy people think that there is somebody they are talking to). So the Rambam is saying that a person needs to verbalize viduy, and Hashem is the one to whom he is speaking.

So it just clicked, what a way to force myself to acknowledge Hashem!!! We try thinking our way into remembering, but as the saying goes "it's that same thinking that got us into the problem", and thought is just hevel. But When I verbalize something, outloud, I need to be talking to somebody, and there is only one possiblity, Hashem.

As skeptical put it, "I need to stop being like a child who closes his eyes and that way his father isn't there".

thank you pidaini.
ive been talking to Hashem alot this week. sometimes my talking/tfillah goes like this, "Hashem there is a part of me that is angry at you and does not want to be mevatel myself to you. but i want to want. i know that there is a part of me that does want. please help me to reveal that part."

Beautiful! But I don't know why you call this thread "Talking to Hashem (not davening)". I call it "Talking to Hashem = Davening". It may not be tefillah b'tzibur, it may not be shmoneh esrei, but it is most certainly "davening".

May your Tefillos be answered! Oh, and KOD (Keep On Davening)

gibbor120 wrote:

I second everything gibbor120 says here!

B'hatzlacha... and have a great Shabbos.

Gibbor:
It is only davening if you put on your hitn'rekkel-gartel. Stand facing our holy city with your feet together. Speak in the holy tongue, begin and end with praise, and take three steps back when you're done.

That's fun.

I have a bad association with the word "davening", it reminds me of daydreaming, saying things which I don't really know why I'm saying them, and coffee (and it's usually not vanilla).

I've messed up my davening, talking to Hashem has actually been changing that.

Oh, and now KOT can have a double meaning

A way to fix your association with davening is by trying to make it more meaningful!

When you notice that you're spacing out and are just mumbling things, try to refocus and think about what the words actually mean.

Don't beat yourself up that you don't have 100% concentration throughout the entire tefillah. Just try to concentrate when you realize that you're not.

Rabbi Dr. Twerski has a great book called Living Each Day, which could help with this.

I personally think that talking to God is a way of davening, because i can promise you that the Avot did not use siddurs of you know what I mean...

skeptical wrote:


Sheesh skep, don't take what I wrote all that seriously, I'm not beating myself up, as you say "I don't do that anymore".

But in all seriousness, I'll say this, I was taught to daven at a young age and because I didn't really know what I was saying then, davening became habit. I never felt a connection with Hashem, so I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing, how I was supposed to approach it, etc.

Absolutely, we need to make it more meaningful, but making it more meaningful didn't work for me with just "more kavanah" because I didn't (don't) know what I was (am) doing/saying!! I started researching about the tefilos that we say, and that helped a little.

Also my Rebbe was actually the first to tell me (two or three years ago) that I should start using my own words in shemoneh esrei (it is a big halachic sheilah if one is allowed to do that, everyone should ask their own Rav) in order to build the relationship. I started, but it cooled off after a while.

But this has been helping the most, for the following reason (I think)

As I mentioned I never felt a connection to Hashem, I was approaching Hashem asking for things. They taught me all about the power of tefilah, and I would come to davening as if I were approaching Hashem with a jackhammer to force Him to do what I would ask. The harder I asked the more I begged, the more I deserved that my holy tefilos be answered.

I think it should be obvious why I didn't feel any connection to Hashem.

Here is why I think that these "discussions" have been helping me change that.

When I approach Hashem and I verbalize (as I did last night) "I am scared of what the future will bring, who will I be, what will I become", the initial reaction is humility, for I realize right away who it is that I am saying this to, The Controler of the world who does know what will be and who can help me get through that.

When I further say my desires and how that is my answer to my fears, as it went last night "I would like to see certain body parts in order to be excited enough to masturbate......and?.....oh, and feel bad and feel connected to Hashem because I feel bad" (it may be different every time, but that was last night's experience). That brought me to see that I need Hashem to carry me through this period of doubt and fear, because my answer is just plain stupid, which leads to number 3

"Hashem I ask you to help me remember that you are the one who has carried me until now, and you are the one who will carry me further." if I then add a certain bakashah, it is with that understanding of who I am talking to Hashem who takes care of me perfectly, and I am mentioning a preference because He wants to hear that from me, even though He may answer "I know what's better for you"

All that is giving me a different perspective to my davening, p'sukei d'zimra is starting to make sense (look at who I am going to talk to) and shemonah esrei is with a different mindset (oh, that's why we tell Hashem before and after asking that He runs the world perfectly)

So, yes, making davening more meaningful, but as most things, it has to come from our own experience, this is the way it is coming by me.

sorry for that ramble, although it is fun to type a lot.

Today I actually for the first time just spoke to God. I have this balcony off my room and I went onto the balcony and i looked out. I live in Israel between Jerusalem and Tel-Aviva. From my porch I could see mountains and a great blue sky and small Arab villages and Tel-Aviv in the hazy background.
I was sitting on a chair and the first word to come out of my mouth was "Abba", it was hard to start talking to God. A lot of thoughts were coming up in my head, a-lot to say, but I just did not know how to put it into words. I might have been a little afraid of someone hearing me but I didn't see anyone and I wasn't yelling or anything.
Finally I got the courage and really started speaking to God. With no real extra-introductory phrases, I just said what was on my heart. I repeated two sayings many times: "אני כלום ואני לא יכול" and "אתה כל יכול" and with that I started talking, about my fears, about my Taivah, about my problems, about what I think the core of it all is, about my thoughts, speculations, thanks,everything. At a certain point early on I just felt so free and uplifted, like a stone was rolled over my heart and I felt even happy, very happy, I was half laughing, I even danced a little there, I realized that God was listening, and unlike any human can do, he also understood, it felt so good, I actually talked to God,like our forefathers.

Wow! Thanks for sharing with us your intimate moments with Abba. You say, "I even danced a little there". That reminds me of the sefer Chareidim (Rav Wolbe zt"l brings this in his sefer Alei Shur) who says that it is a very high form of Dveikus in Hashem when it brings you to dance.

(BTW, I also do it, so I can relate to the great feeling.)

Hatzlacha

MT

Thanks, I always feel close to God except when I sinned, that is how I immediately took up the first three steps in a minute, it felt so natural!
And about the dancing, I didn't even want to, it felt a little silly, but I felt a drive in me making me dance and I felt really happy.

last night G-d threw me a curveball that left me hurt and confused. i was lying in bed feeling anything but spiritual. and i started talking.
i told Hashem how i felt, that i was feeling closed up and blocked, scared and unable to handle life. how at that point i was unable to be grateful for the blessings showered upon me. i asked for Hashems mercy to get through what was a test for my own good because everything Hashem does is for the good.
i woke up this morning feeling refreshed and energized. a completely diff. person from last night.

I had areally rough night, continued into the morning.

I told Hashem today "I don't want to talk to you because when I do, I loose my independence, I loose my control over life"

yeah, I feel a little better now. I lost my contol anyway, I am dependant on Hashem, I might as well try to enjoy life.