I wish I was holding were you are to give you advice but I got a while till that

rebakiva wrote on 24 Jan 2025 01:45:

Dear Reb Akiva,
Sounds like you hit the nail on the head. Lo amus ki echyeh. Don't just try not to die. Live! Don't think like the yh is chasing you, rather like you are making it hard for him to keep up. When you reach a new height, keep raising the bar and bezH go from strength to strength.
Hatzlacha and kol tov

Big Chizuk tonight:

Was learning today's Daf (סנהדרין מ"ד.) there's the famous gemara "ישראל אע"פ שחטא ישראל הוא", and my chavrusa {if you're here, lmk, boy will we hug tomorrow} decided to take a deep dive, he ask's me "What's the chidush in this, obviously, a jew is a jew by essence regardles of if he sins or not, so why the big deal"???

We looked around in the mefarshim & rishonim, and we found that the רבינו חננאל says a different pshat than most rishonim, he says "אע"פ שחטא, ישראל קריי' רחמנא", after thinking and a bit of a back and forth between me and my dear chavrusa about what he's trying to say, we came up with a pshat:

The name Yisrael was given to Yakkov because "כי שרית אם אלוקים ואנשים ותוכל", meaning that you fought a fierce battle and won it, in other words a jew in essence is Yehuda not Yisrael the name Yisrael is talking about a "winner", the gemara doesn't say Yehuda shechata Yehuda hu, that would be no chidush at all, so now the gemara is saying, that even when a jew fights a fiercr battle and "doesn't win" just SheChata he falls, still Yisrael hu, he still is truly a winner.

So long as he holds on the fight, regardless of if he wins or falls, Yisrael Hu, he's a winner...
Whether this pshat is true or not, it definitely is agreat chizuk to me, and maybe will be to others.

Thank you my dear Chavrusa {just in case you're here} for always learning in depth, you're meaningful insights continue to inspire me.   

Love y'all Akiva

Beautiful idea.

once we’re discussing that Gemara, another idea I had was the mashal used of a hadas amongst thorns (or aravos). Even as it’s surrounded by thorns, we’d understand that the myrtle branch is pristine. That would seemingly indicate that the yid is pure, just surrounded by chet. Meaning, the chet doesn’t reach the neshama of the yid, it’s external like the thorns, it’s not him, it’s an outside struggle he needs to defeat.

with a ton of brotherly love,
Muttel

rebakiva wrote on 02 Dec 2024 16:39:

And this followed:
rebakiva wrote on 02 Dec 2024 19:50:

So here is a quick follow up on these posts from 3 month's ago:
As mentioned, I canceled the reservation for the hotel {for free, because it was enough in advance}, and it happened to be a Hashgacha Pratis, because my wifes sister got engaged the day my wife was supposed to leave to Florida, so she ended up canceling her trip, Now canceling a luxury hotel so close to the reservation date would've costed me a fortune, and I would've looked like a real fool randomly forcing my wife to send the kids away, in order to leave for one night to a local hotel...


Also as I've said I asked my wife what she would like to do for our anniversary, and commited to accept what ever it is that she would want to do, now because me and my wife both feel like we got remarried and we're currently in Shana Rishona, I really thought she would want to do something grandiose, but guess what she chose...
So now here I am when her trip is finally going to actually happen, and I really hope to Hashem that I'll get through it without any incidents, for some reason I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and afraid that my mind might start running back to those old sickening places that it used to run to, back in the day, but hopefully I'll try to check in here daily and hold myself accountable to you guys for the duration of her absence, and together with all of the GYE'RS help I'll get through this intact.

Thanks Love y'all
Akiva

Just had an inspiring thought.

Was listening to abie rothenberg's song "butterfly" where he starts off the song "there are sometimes that I stand by the mirror, to take a closer look at myself, but the face looking back at me wishes it was someone else", and he goes on to sing about the butterfly leaving her cocoon and how much only she can achieve.

As I was listening I was thinking to myself, oh how often do I have this scenario standing by the mirror wishing it's someone else, yet I'm stuck with this guy for life it's a life sentence, there's no way out, as hard and as much as I'd wish for it not to be this way, I have no other choice but to make the best out of it, to accept the guy I am for whoever I am, and love myself for who I am, if there's no way out I may as well come to terms with it and make life pleasant and exciting.

So why should it be any different when talking about my wife, as much as I struggle with seeing others that dress more trendy, that look much better, that don't have all the other issues {which I'm not willing to disclose on a public forum} my wife has, I should be able to accept her for who she is, for how she looks, for how she dresses, for how she deals with the other things I struggle with, if I can make the best out of my life within this life sentence of being locked up with myself, so can I make the best out of my life being with only this one and only one wife why keep on thinking of others...

I'm not saying the basic idea of acceptance, I think this is something deeper, if the guy who's legs were amputated can live and make the best out of himself without his feet, so can I make the best out of 1. myself. with all my flaws and struggles. 2. my wife. with all her flaws and carelessness to care enough about what I care about.

A masterpiece!

Powerful.

It's interesting that my wife's imperfections that bug me the most are the ones that remind me of my own imperfections. . .

Fantasies vs. P***n

On my very first conversation with Rabeinu HHM we got into a discussion about my bedroom life when he ever so gently but powerfully, lowered his sledgehammer on my unexpecting head and boy was it painfull, out of the blue he nicely called me a cheater not cheating “on” my wife just cheating “within” my wife by using her as my s*x toy and a permissible tool for ejaculation instead of building an emotional connection with her, now that was a very painful realization for me as I never viewed it that way, I viewed “cheating” as someone that has a physical relationships with other women.

But recently there was lots of conversation on the forums on the sugiya of fantasies whether it has the potential to mess around with someone’s shalom bais and if it can also go into the category of cheating “within” one’s wife or not. I don’t wish to come here and say my opinion on the topic, I’m just thinking out loud and trying follow my own train of thought.

On the one hand I feel like it isn’t anything close in comparison to watching p***n and especially not to actual physical relations with another women, and that is because even just watching p***n messes up a person’s brain, and train’s him to seek and sometimes even do un-natural disgusting acts that are clearly cheating “Within” his wife, just to be clear I’ll give an example, but its really not about the example it’s really much deeper than that, (may be triggering) in p***phy one will see all kinds of disgusting acts that the woman (paid actress) seems to really be enjoying way more than just the simple traditional way, lets say positions for example or certain s*x toys etc. when a person will do these things with wife he’s actively cheating “within” his wife because again it’s not about the above example, it’s that you’re basically forcing your wife into doing something she really doesn’t like or appreciate to do, yes you are kind of innocent because in your brain you think women really do enjoy this because you’ve seen so on the screen.

But that’s exactly the problem, before the days of the “screens” one wouldn’t do anything different than the traditional things he’s learned or been told by his Rabbaiyim, without asking his dare wife a few hundred times if she really WANTS the other position, I’m not saying that she doesn’t enjoy it, in some cases the woman really does enjoy certain stuff that are different than the traditional, but the point is that YOU have t be 100% certain that she really wants it before you do it, but since the “screen” days came around we stopped thinking down these line’s at all, we kind of KNOW already that she does enjoy it, and if she doesn’t enjoy it right away we sometimes think that we have to just train her into it and then one day she’ll be begging for it because after all that’s what we’ve seen on the “screen”, so that’s by all means cheating “within” the wife.

But as far as just fantasies, it doesn’t seem to be anything close to cheating, even if it eventually leads to m***tion, because you’re not doing it with your wife, you’re not forcing her to do anything, you’re just fantasizing privately between you and yourself, and even more then that there’s nothing screwed up about fantasies it’s totally natural ther’s no need for screens and our ancestors hundreds of years ago also had this kind of struggle, it’s how hashem created us to have a desire for the female and when you see one you tend to fantasize about about her, you’re maybe even m***ing and having s*x with yourself but you’re technically not doing anything wrong with or to your wife, as a matter of fact you may even be having an amazing bedroom life with your wife, true intimacy, deep love, emotional connection, and what not, it’s just that as a side thing privately you struggle with fantasies and sometimes fall to m***ing, but it doesn’t affect your overall marriage.

So I know you can tell me that I can’t really have a 100% deep emotional connection with my wife, because emotional connection has nothing to do with the bedroom, it’s even when just sitting on the couch, and to be very realistic it’s really even when you’re not home at all, “emotional” connection is an emotional thing not a physical thing and can therefore be even when the two of you are miles apart, but when I fantasize I’m like kinda in a zombie mode thinking about that other woman I’ve seen until I release, so for that period of time I’m totally not connected to my wife.

True I get that, but still that’s a whole in “my” heart, but my wife has no clue about it I make sure to fantasize in the bathroom only, or only when not in her vicinity, so yes I acknowledge that it’s a problem, but as far as it affecting my marriage I don’t think that’s the case here, it’s just between me and myself only.

But on the other hand fantasies in a way are kinda worse than p**n or physical relations with another woman, exactly because of what we wrote above, fantasies is a natural desire that doesn’t leave you with the terrible guilty feelings and shame that a person gets from p***n on physical relations with another, I’ve personally watched p***n unfortunately, and I’ve always felt sick for a day or two after watching, and I’ve heard from countless people who unfortunately had physical relations with other women, and more or less all of them said that they threw up during the act and a few more times afterwards, and that’s  besides for the terrible guilty pangs both the p***n watcher and the physical relations people experience for weeks after committing these acts, but just natural fantasies and even just m***ing to them doesn’t feel so disgusting and the guilty pangs aren’t so bad they’re kinda manageable.

Another big difference between p***n / physical relations and just fantasies / m***ing, is that fantasies / m***ing is all over it is accessible wherever and whenever a person wants it, vs. p***n / physical relations (much more so the former) which isn’t accessible at any given moment, even the guy that his p***n in his pocket, it’s still somewhat avoidable in a good moment he can put a filter on his phone and avoid it to some extent, vs. fantasies / m***ing that’s unavoidable during the hard moment’s without an iron will.

Now lets try to use the man’s brain and think from the woman’s perspective about this topic, I had an imaginary conversation between me and my wife, with myself, it went like this:

Wife: I know you love me, but you love that other girl you’re fantasizing about more than me…

Me: No-way never happened I love you and you only, you just have to understand that I’m human and hashem created men to have a desire to women, so when I see a pretty one I unfortunately find myself fantasizing about her, it’s exactly the same thing as when you pass the jewelry store and love that gorgeous ring and then you fantasize about it, same thing with me I just fantasize about her, I need help for that it’s absolutely wrong, but it’s got nothing to do with “love” for that girl, it’s just objectifying her, vs. you whom I love from the bottom of my heart, I do not objectify you I’m emotionally connected to you and you only.

Wife: You see that’s exactly what I’m saying, when I see that ring and fantasize about it, I have a desire for it, I want it but I don’t “need” it I can keep on living and move on without it, but you need that girl you cant move on without her until you lock yourself up in the bathroom and m***e.

Me: What are you talking about? I don’t “need” her, I know I would never marry her I’m married to you and you only forever, and I’m not having any physical relations with her.

Wife: True, and true that you’re not having any physical relations with her but you can do something about your desire, you just forget about me for a few minutes until you can m***e, and if you do something about a desire that’s called “needing” it you don’t just want it, you “need” it and you “get” it although in a different way then the literal way of getting it, but you basically “get” what “need”.

After thinking about this topic from this perspective my train of thought kind of changed, to the wife it actually is considered “cheating”, although she doesn’t necessarily know about my fantasizing and she doesn’t feel like she’s being cheated on, but in reality I’m cheating on her, and the worst part of it, is that I don’t even feel so bad about it, I don’t feel sick afterwards but I’m still cheating big time.

Yes it is a much deeper way of looking at it, it is really a very fine line, but it’s there, it’s real, does it affect my marriage ? could be that not, but it’s definitely cheating.

So to summarize; To get rid of lust, you need a deep devotion to your wife, and to Hashem:

Standard p***phy and physical relations, clearly have a very serious affect on a person’s marriage, so true devotion to your spouse, can be enough of a motivational cause for a person to cut the crap out of his life.

Fantasies and m***tion, depends on the deepness of the devotion for the wife, if it’s a very deep devotion enough to care about the cheating that she doesn’t even know about, it may be motivational cause to come clean, but if you only care about what she “knows” and feels, than this may not be enough, and only a care for what Hashem decreed on us to refrain from m***ing and a positive craving for kedusha can be a motivation.

If your mental sexuality is focused on someone outside your marriage—even in private, even unseen—you are, in a real way, stepping out. Not with your feet. But with your soul.

Wow. A lot of incredibly deep and honest reflections, a lot of hard honesty. A lot to think about… Yasher Koach! 

I feel that masturbating is a form of cheating. It’s a form of sex - a way that  uses sexual energy outside of the boundaries of your relationship with your wife. (There are obviously different kinds of situations and levels.) Here’s a post I wrote on the general topic of what’s so wrong about masturbation. 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/425037-Masturbation-but-no-Porn#425056

Marriage in 825:

Once upon a time about 1400 years ago in the Iraqi town of Pumbedusa there was a little girl named Donag, she was a sweet little 3 year old just about learning how to read on her own {no school or teachers back then}, the majority of her day was spent by saying tehilim with her mother and siblings, or playing outside with the Iraqi dessert sand, she would never eat the supper her mother Rebetzin Brurya prepared instead she ask for a lollypop and some other nosh, at first her mother said {in Aramaic obviously} if you eat just 2 bites of the meat you can have 1 nosh, but our little Donag wouldn’t hear of it, and so the tantrum started, turning up the volume to max our little Donag was crying and wailing.

Suddenly Harav R’ Rafram {Donags father of course} walked into the house with a huge smile on his face, all cheered up he sits Brurya & Donag down on the floor nexto the table {made out of hard clay} and excitedly informs them that there is this amazing boy by the name of Huna who sits all day long in the yeshiva 3 rows behind Harav R’ Rafram, he learns all day and the majority of the night, and today he turned 13 it was his Bar Mitzvah, and so I right away took Kidushin from him for our dear Donag, Mazal Tov Donag you are now a Eishes Ish.

While Donag had practically no clue what that is supposed to mean so she went right back to crying and tantruming for the nosh, but Rebetzin Brurya wanted some more information about this sweet boy Huna so she started asking questions interrogating her husband it didn’t take to long until she found out that this Huna all though he’s an amazing young man but he’s an orphan from both his parents living In a local Bais Yesomim wearing torn cloths and tattered shoes, but that really didn’t matter at all so long as he’s a real chashuva Ben Torah, and so the went ahead and scheduled the chassunah date for 6 years when Huna will be 19 and Donag 9.

The years ran by rather quickly while Huna was shteiging away and Donag more or less stopped tantruming so often besides for the occasional flare ups, there was one incident in the beginning when the big Rosh Hayeshiva Rav found out about the shidduch and he disapproved of it saying לעולם אל יקדש בתו כשהיא קטנה עד שתגדיל ותאמר בפלוני אני רוצה but being that both R’ Rafram and Huna were talmudim from Shmuel they accepted his psak becauseשמא יקדמנו אחר,  and so the chassunah went along as planned.

The chassunah itself was one of the most joyful occasions in all of Pumbedusa, and so was the next seven days of sheva berachos where everyone was invited, then started day to day life for our dear 19 year old Huna, he would wake up in the morning quickly get dressed then help his dear Donag button down her shirt, then he would quickly put together some food for breakfast for himself and Donag, then he would sit down with her and teach her some chummash he would explain it in a way that little 9 year old Donag should be able to understand it, only afterwards would he run out to yeshiva and learn till 6:00pm.

When he’d come home, he would open the letter that his mother in-law sent daily in the mail with detailed recipes for supper and he would make it himself and serve it to himself and his wife Donag, after supper he would clean her up, bathe her, do her homework with her and sing her to sleep.

Huna loved his wife and would make sure to let her know it, while little Donag was still too young to understand the concept of the five love languages, Huna quickly figured out which one of the five love languages his wife relates to and he would do everything in the world to fulfill it, sometimes when he’d come home he’d find his wife playing outside with a few her friends {at this age they were already playing hide n’ go seek} so he would just wait patiently and understandably until they were finished to start the night, he never felt left out or as his wife doesn’t care about him because he understood that she’s doing exactly what a 9 year old little girl should be doing.

As there were no chassan classes back then Huna learnt on his own from the gemaras how to have s*x in a loving fashion, and he had to explain the idea to his wife on his own, but being that she was so young when they got married, she more or less grew up having s*x, it was a fundamental part of life and she loved it, she loved being intimate and spending time with her husband and never once did she feel that her husband is just using her, etc.

Marriage in 2025:

23 year old chaim marries 21 year old Malky who knows how to cook and bake on her own, she knows how to care for a house laundry shopping and children etc. she doesn’t need any pampering anymore she has her friends and full social life set up already for the past 8 years she knows exactly what she does or doesn’t want, what she does or doesn’t like, what she does or doesn’t appreciate, she has her own phone since 7 years ago, and her friend from school {which there’s a very wide range of nowadays, from all types and backgrounds} whose father had an unfiltered smart phone and she learnt on her own what s*x is all about nicely educated Malky when she was just 8 years old exactly what it’s all about.

Although Chaim has learnt about the five love languages, it’s still too hard for him to figure out which one his dear wife relates to because she herself doesn’t really know, there is such easy access to anything and everything that nothing and everything talks to her, what Chaim should clean the dishes? The cleaning lady is here for that, he should buy her a diamond ring? Social media apps will prove that it’s a lab grown diamond even though he spent $7000 for it, etc.

And so Chaim comes home during shana rishonah and tells his wife “I love you” he buys her presents, he hugs and kisses her he tries to sit nexto her on the couch as often as he can, trying desperately to figure out how to break the ice between them…

But little does he know, Malky is sitting there and thinking to herself, I’m sooo excited with this diamond ring he bought me, but it’s just a nice present, it doesn’t define “love”, he has yet to prove to me that he really loves me, he’s just saying so and hugging and kissing me because he wants me to get undressed for him, he wants to use me, etc…

So the next night instead of sitting on the couch she just calls her friend and schmoozes with her for 2 hours and twenty six minutes… all while Chaim is sitting there with a big and encouraging smile on his face but anger bubbling deep inside him, finally she hangs up and makes a huge yawn as if to say sorry dear no s*x tonight I’m just waaayyyy tooooo tired, now Chaim feels rejected and let down…

Now this is not to say that this how it’ll stay forever, obviously a wise man would give her the space and time she needs to fully adjust to married life, the space and time it’ll take him to really figure out which one of the five love languages his wife really relates to and once he has it figured out and puts it into action, she’ll start really feeling “loved” not befriended for s*x, just “loved” then obviously there’ll be changes big changes coming from her side as well, she’ll suddenly care to try and figure out what love language her husband relates to, it’ll cease to be a friendship for s*x, instead it’ll become a real intimate couple life relationship.

But the point is that nowadays things are different very different, and true love takes time and in many cases a lot of time, we try, we fail, until we learn, then we see changes.

Inspired by talking with many people who feel / felt rejected by wifes actions...

rebakiva wrote on 10 Jul 2025 17:11:

Fascinating on many levels (spoken only partly as an amateur psychoanalyst).

I have a sneaking suspicion that one of the many things that are different nowadays is the usage of asterisks to mask our discomfort.

rebakiva wrote on 10 Jul 2025 17:11:

Very important point about how modern marriages can sometimes present unique challenges and the need to give it time and effort.

Regarding your graphic, romanticized portrayal of ancient pre-arranged marriages to a minor and assuming there were no issues, whether emotional/sexual or due to lack of valid consent...it made me more than a tad uncomfortable, TBH. But, you are probably right, many things that we find immoral and unethical today were obviously different back than, and I do not wish to dilute your point, or go down that rabbit hole, so......AD KAN.

Wow 

Very inspiring, thanks for the post