Hey haven't been here in a while !! Bh today's been a great day although the last week was horrible (not clean wise ,life wise)but bh thank you hashem for a good day,!!   I'm 9days clean and really making progress overall in managing my emotions which are definitely helping me stay more logical and calm when I get triggered (it also helps that I don't get triggered in the first place).
  the more im digging deeper into myself the more I realize how much work I'm going to have to put in and how long this is going to last , its going to be my lifeswork(lav davka the p and m struggle). But the underlying reasons y I'm going down the p and m route.
  I pray I should always stay strong.
 And it's you guys that keep me.

Haveing a huge HUGE urge allready for few days off and on type(granted it's my fault that I started the trigger.. but facts on ground is that I'm here). Bh definitely see I made progress as I'm still clean( by the skin of my teeth) and was managing to keep myself at bay , but think by now I'm gonna crack.
    hashem hear my plea 
 Stay with me , and give me the siyata dishmayah to continue growing as a person and to discover my true inner self and not lose myself in doing that.

So the story ended the way it always does I fell,  
it's killing me that I m  still in these disgusting actions, 
   HASHEM WHAT HAPPENED TO ME
   What's going to happen...................
     Bh I'm digging really deep into myself and learning alot about myself,
But the catch 22 is that so much pain and hurts brought up and I'm not strong enough to carry it.
    With tears...

Their are shoulders available for your heaving sobs buddy. Use them.

Dear holy brother, we feel you, we cry with you, it can be so very painful sometimes, הזורעים בדמעה ברינה יקצורו, let's use these tears and water ourselves with it... let it grow into a beautiful heiligeh yid! let's use this moment to look even deeper into ourself, and then will come the רינה, it's so hard to face ourselves... to accept ourselves.. to embrace ourselves..., but it is so important.

with a mirrer heart overflowing with brotherly love,
@altehmirrer

To give credit to the tzadikem/chaverim here , I wanna give a shkoich for all those that told me no matter what you do , where you go, what you see , we'll be there for you and were still gonna be friends, and deep down I was like really or just saying that now to get me clean.... But by now I could say I see it was real and earnest  . When I opened my thread and saw all the thank yous from ppl that have given me hours upon hours for no other reason besides for that they wanna help me , whether I called erev shabbos , during seder , or when they were by a simcha . You chevra are amazing 
      ah gutten nacht!!!!!!