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TOPIC: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 1550 Views

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 01 Dec 2024 11:59 #426210

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rebakiva wrote on 29 Nov 2024 20:01:
Mazal tov on your 90th one day at a time, may you be zoiche to your whole life clean going forward.

I'll try to drink a lechayim in your honor, just hope I wont knock myself out from the many lechayim's I'll have to drink...

Have a wonderful shabbos, With love Akiva

Regarding the number of shots taken this Friday night in honor of the amazing chevra here, the wife was slightly concerned after the third (I know some real mevinim here will call me an amateur)
I didn't believe I could be clean
Until I actually got clean.
If I can do it, you can too!

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Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 12 Dec 2024 06:31 #426963

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It all started 3-4 years ago, it was a Thursday night sitting in my car and just browsing news etc, and while browsing i found a loophole in the filter, and instead of putting the phone down and taking a step back, I went in more and more i didn't watch actual porn but everything till there, and then i went in and masturbated for the first time in my life, for the next few days I wasn't able to look my wife in the face, and I was embarrassed to go in Shul, I felt like such a failure and looser, as a Bucher I had many challenges and I was able to overcome them and be strong, and here in one night everything went to waist, 
this mmemory came to me and I had to write it down, thanks for listening, 

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 12 Dec 2024 15:59 #426987

5678 wrote on 12 Dec 2024 06:31:
It all started 3-4 years ago, it was a Thursday night sitting in my car and just browsing news etc, and while browsing i found a loophole in the filter, and instead of putting the phone down and taking a step back, I went in more and more i didn't watch actual porn but everything till there, and then i went in and masturbated for the first time in my life, for the next few days I wasn't able to look my wife in the face, and I was embarrassed to go in Shul, I felt like such a failure and looser, as a Bucher I had many challenges and I was able to overcome them and be strong, and here in one night everything went to waist, 
this mmemory came to me and I had to write it down, thanks for listening, 

Now, not only will you have Kedusha in your life, but also this extra dose of this so needed humility, that you can no longer say "I have never masturbated in my life". What a gift from Hashem!
Yiddish is my mother-tongue.
My journal

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 13 Dec 2024 04:03 #427032

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That was the first time, but not the last, till the next fall it took me a few months, but then it started the up and downs, till 103 days ago,And back then, I didn't Know that so many ppl are struggling. i thought im from the only few, and I must be crazy crazy

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 23 Dec 2024 05:24 #427714

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5678 wrote on 12 Nov 2024 06:35:
Hi all, sorry if it's not clearly written, I'm not good at it, I just want to unload my heart,Over the past few years, I got very cold in certain aspects in Yiddishkeit, (One of the main side effects when giving in to the yetzer on kdusha),I used to wake up 5:45 learn daven, now I wake up ....... depends on my day i. Work i Daven at home bychidus, no mikva, no learning, i barley (or don't shh..) make zman shema, and tfila, something i used to be very strict in, i stopped learning chumish rashi, something I used to do every Thursday and I didn't go to sleep before I finish and in had a tremendous effect on my life, don't worry I didn't start to go to sleep early I just replaced the chumish rashi with movies, and I start doing it every night not only Thursday, i just didn't have any feeling in anything, and I knew it all along that it is because my wrong doings but I wasn't able to help my self, I tried a few times, and then 72 day ago I found the yshua the help I need GYE and all the ppl here, I started the program started reading the forum, and bh i got clean, my shmiras eniyim is improving (work in progress) my marriage is better Bh, and I thought that I'll get back my Davining etc, but that didn't happen, i don't remember theast time i davend with minyen or Davining took me more then 15 minuts in middle of the week, no mikva, my learning is ohmmm rather not say, ok ill say i don't remember the last time i learned gmura.most of the time i just don't feel any connection and I really miss it, I did have in the past couple of weeks a few good moments but that didn't hold for long and I'm so confused, do I feel טעם און יידישקייט or idon't feel.If I feel why don't I daven with minyen if I don't feel why did my musef first day rosh hashuna take 2 hrs (I was in a different world, never had this before felt so connected)If i feel, why Between rosh hashuna and Yom kippur I didn't go to slichus and davend at home every day,If i don't feel why did go the first 3 day sukkas in the morning to a shir in chasidus Real deep, and felt so good, but then on Hoshana Rabbah I didn't even start tehillim, (i used to finish every year for the past 10 or more years, Simchas Torah was good bh, I promised my self that I'll start again בראשית but guess what I didn't even start the first pusik.So the answer is i don't feel and this few time i did feel i don't have the tools to hold this feeling that it should pick me up to a higher place (maybe I do have it? If yes it needs extensive repairs)

Bh it has gotten better in the past few weeks, but the past few day i started having this feelings again, I think I can use another boost, anyone here to help.
Also the past few day I had some interesting dreams, that I'm surrounded with ppl who are doing very inappropriate things and im in a big nisoyen, but i woke up before the outcome, 

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 23 Dec 2024 05:28 #427715

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Dreams like that are expected and are actually a good sign. Call for explanation.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 23 Dec 2024 05:42 #427717

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5678 wrote on 12 Nov 2024 06:35:
Hi all, sorry if it's not clearly written, I'm not good at it, I just want to unload my heart,Over the past few years, I got very cold in certain aspects in Yiddishkeit, (One of the main side effects when giving in to the yetzer on kdusha),I used to wake up 5:45 learn daven, now I wake up ....... depends on my day i. Work i Daven at home bychidus, no mikva, no learning, i barley (or don't shh..) make zman shema, and tfila, something i used to be very strict in, i stopped learning chumish rashi, something I used to do every Thursday and I didn't go to sleep before I finish and in had a tremendous effect on my life, don't worry I didn't start to go to sleep early I just replaced the chumish rashi with movies, and I start doing it every night not only Thursday, i just didn't have any feeling in anything, and I knew it all along that it is because my wrong doings but I wasn't able to help my self, I tried a few times, and then 72 day ago I found the yshua the help I need GYE and all the ppl here, I started the program started reading the forum, and bh i got clean, my shmiras eniyim is improving (work in progress) my marriage is better Bh, and I thought that I'll get back my Davining etc, but that didn't happen, i don't remember theast time i davend with minyen or Davining took me more then 15 minuts in middle of the week, no mikva, my learning is ohmmm rather not say, ok ill say i don't remember the last time i learned gmura.most of the time i just don't feel any connection and I really miss it, I did have in the past couple of weeks a few good moments but that didn't hold for long and I'm so confused, do I feel טעם און יידישקייט or idon't feel.If I feel why don't I daven with minyen if I don't feel why did my musef first day rosh hashuna take 2 hrs (I was in a different world, never had this before felt so connected)If i feel, why Between rosh hashuna and Yom kippur I didn't go to slichus and davend at home every day,If i don't feel why did go the first 3 day sukkas in the morning to a shir in chasidus Real deep, and felt so good, but then on Hoshana Rabbah I didn't even start tehillim, (i used to finish every year for the past 10 or more years, Simchas Torah was good bh, I promised my self that I'll start again בראשית but guess what I didn't even start the first pusik.So the answer is i don't feel and this few time i did feel i don't have the tools to hold this feeling that it should pick me up to a higher place (maybe I do have it? If yes it needs extensive repairs)

WOW
I could have written that!
BLN remind me to write later what my experience in this was
Marbitz torah and communal askan in E Yisroel | 30's | Went to rehab | Avid SA'er
Not perfect yet, but a changed person 180 degrees
If you think you know who I am, and want to reach out for further chizzuk, I have nothing to hide in real life and would love to share my ESH with you

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 23 Dec 2024 06:02 #427718

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parev wrote on 23 Dec 2024 05:42:

5678 wrote on 12 Nov 2024 06:35:
Hi all, sorry if it's not clearly written, I'm not good at it, I just want to unload my heart,Over the past few years, I got very cold in certain aspects in Yiddishkeit, (One of the main side effects when giving in to the yetzer on kdusha),I used to wake up 5:45 learn daven, now I wake up ....... depends on my day i. Work i Daven at home bychidus, no mikva, no learning, i barley (or don't shh..) make zman shema, and tfila, something i used to be very strict in, i stopped learning chumish rashi, something I used to do every Thursday and I didn't go to sleep before I finish and in had a tremendous effect on my life, don't worry I didn't start to go to sleep early I just replaced the chumish rashi with movies, and I start doing it every night not only Thursday, i just didn't have any feeling in anything, and I knew it all along that it is because my wrong doings but I wasn't able to help my self, I tried a few times, and then 72 day ago I found the yshua the help I need GYE and all the ppl here, I started the program started reading the forum, and bh i got clean, my shmiras eniyim is improving (work in progress) my marriage is better Bh, and I thought that I'll get back my Davining etc, but that didn't happen, i don't remember theast time i davend with minyen or Davining took me more then 15 minuts in middle of the week, no mikva, my learning is ohmmm rather not say, ok ill say i don't remember the last time i learned gmura.most of the time i just don't feel any connection and I really miss it, I did have in the past couple of weeks a few good moments but that didn't hold for long and I'm so confused, do I feel טעם און יידישקייט or idon't feel.If I feel why don't I daven with minyen if I don't feel why did my musef first day rosh hashuna take 2 hrs (I was in a different world, never had this before felt so connected)If i feel, why Between rosh hashuna and Yom kippur I didn't go to slichus and davend at home every day,If i don't feel why did go the first 3 day sukkas in the morning to a shir in chasidus Real deep, and felt so good, but then on Hoshana Rabbah I didn't even start tehillim, (i used to finish every year for the past 10 or more years, Simchas Torah was good bh, I promised my self that I'll start again בראשית but guess what I didn't even start the first pusik.So the answer is i don't feel and this few time i did feel i don't have the tools to hold this feeling that it should pick me up to a higher place (maybe I do have it? If yes it needs extensive repairs)

WOW
I could have written that!
BLN remind me to write later what my experience in this was

 What a זכיה to have r' parev post on my tread, it's time to go to sleep here,  will try to remind you In the morning 

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 23 Dec 2024 06:24 #427722

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5678 wrote on 23 Dec 2024 06:02:

parev wrote on 23 Dec 2024 05:42:

5678 wrote on 12 Nov 2024 06:35:
Hi all, sorry if it's not clearly written, I'm not good at it, I just want to unload my heart,Over the past few years, I got very cold in certain aspects in Yiddishkeit, (One of the main side effects when giving in to the yetzer on kdusha),I used to wake up 5:45 learn daven, now I wake up ....... depends on my day i. Work i Daven at home bychidus, no mikva, no learning, i barley (or don't shh..) make zman shema, and tfila, something i used to be very strict in, i stopped learning chumish rashi, something I used to do every Thursday and I didn't go to sleep before I finish and in had a tremendous effect on my life, don't worry I didn't start to go to sleep early I just replaced the chumish rashi with movies, and I start doing it every night not only Thursday, i just didn't have any feeling in anything, and I knew it all along that it is because my wrong doings but I wasn't able to help my self, I tried a few times, and then 72 day ago I found the yshua the help I need GYE and all the ppl here, I started the program started reading the forum, and bh i got clean, my shmiras eniyim is improving (work in progress) my marriage is better Bh, and I thought that I'll get back my Davining etc, but that didn't happen, i don't remember theast time i davend with minyen or Davining took me more then 15 minuts in middle of the week, no mikva, my learning is ohmmm rather not say, ok ill say i don't remember the last time i learned gmura.most of the time i just don't feel any connection and I really miss it, I did have in the past couple of weeks a few good moments but that didn't hold for long and I'm so confused, do I feel טעם און יידישקייט or idon't feel.If I feel why don't I daven with minyen if I don't feel why did my musef first day rosh hashuna take 2 hrs (I was in a different world, never had this before felt so connected)If i feel, why Between rosh hashuna and Yom kippur I didn't go to slichus and davend at home every day,If i don't feel why did go the first 3 day sukkas in the morning to a shir in chasidus Real deep, and felt so good, but then on Hoshana Rabbah I didn't even start tehillim, (i used to finish every year for the past 10 or more years, Simchas Torah was good bh, I promised my self that I'll start again בראשית but guess what I didn't even start the first pusik.So the answer is i don't feel and this few time i did feel i don't have the tools to hold this feeling that it should pick me up to a higher place (maybe I do have it? If yes it needs extensive repairs)

WOW
I could have written that!
BLN remind me to write later what my experience in this was

 What a זכיה to have r' parev post on my tread, it's time to go to sleep here,  will try to remind you In the morning 



I find that with more kedusha I have more of a task in yifishkeit

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 19 Jan 2025 07:44 #429463

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parev wrote on 23 Dec 2024 05:42:

5678 wrote on 12 Nov 2024 06:35:
Hi all, sorry if it's not clearly written, I'm not good at it, I just want to unload my heart,Over the past few years, I got very cold in certain aspects in Yiddishkeit, (One of the main side effects when giving in to the yetzer on kdusha),I used to wake up 5:45 learn daven, now I wake up ....... depends on my day i. Work i Daven at home bychidus, no mikva, no learning, i barley (or don't shh..) make zman shema, and tfila, something i used to be very strict in, i stopped learning chumish rashi, something I used to do every Thursday and I didn't go to sleep before I finish and in had a tremendous effect on my life, don't worry I didn't start to go to sleep early I just replaced the chumish rashi with movies, and I start doing it every night not only Thursday, i just didn't have any feeling in anything, and I knew it all along that it is because my wrong doings but I wasn't able to help my self, I tried a few times, and then 72 day ago I found the yshua the help I need GYE and all the ppl here, I started the program started reading the forum, and bh i got clean, my shmiras eniyim is improving (work in progress) my marriage is better Bh, and I thought that I'll get back my Davining etc, but that didn't happen, i don't remember theast time i davend with minyen or Davining took me more then 15 minuts in middle of the week, no mikva, my learning is ohmmm rather not say, ok ill say i don't remember the last time i learned gmura.most of the time i just don't feel any connection and I really miss it, I did have in the past couple of weeks a few good moments but that didn't hold for long and I'm so confused, do I feel טעם און יידישקייט or idon't feel.If I feel why don't I daven with minyen if I don't feel why did my musef first day rosh hashuna take 2 hrs (I was in a different world, never had this before felt so connected)If i feel, why Between rosh hashuna and Yom kippur I didn't go to slichus and davend at home every day,If i don't feel why did go the first 3 day sukkas in the morning to a shir in chasidus Real deep, and felt so good, but then on Hoshana Rabbah I didn't even start tehillim, (i used to finish every year for the past 10 or more years, Simchas Torah was good bh, I promised my self that I'll start again בראשית but guess what I didn't even start the first pusik.So the answer is i don't feel and this few time i did feel i don't have the tools to hold this feeling that it should pick me up to a higher place (maybe I do have it? If yes it needs extensive repairs)

WOW
I could have written that!
BLN remind me to write later what my experience in this was

R' parev, you still owe me a post about your experience on this, 


Hi a git voch, ala yiden,
so here is an update on my life, im still holding up and clean, other parts in Yiddishkeit didn't improve much, im a calmer person and more time to do important stuff because i don't waist time watching, I had a rough wee last week with some really strong urge, I really thought that I'll fall, but B"H i didn't, hade some seconds looks ( not really seconds just made the first a bit longer because I knew i can't do seconds looks, let my mind run a bit longer then usual, I don't know why it happened or what triggered it , I didn't really change anything in my schedule.
Last Edit: 19 Jan 2025 07:59 by 5678.

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 19 Jan 2025 11:21 #429466

  • parev
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5678 wrote on 19 Jan 2025 07:44:

parev wrote on 23 Dec 2024 05:42:

5678 wrote on 12 Nov 2024 06:35:
Hi all, sorry if it's not clearly written, I'm not go

WOW
I could have written that!
BLN remind me to write later what my experience in this was

R' parev, you still owe me a post about your experience on this, 


Did you mean that you want to remind me?
Its a shame you waited almost a month, coz now im post baby and pre campain
But BLN I will try and make some time for you!
Marbitz torah and communal askan in E Yisroel | 30's | Went to rehab | Avid SA'er
Not perfect yet, but a changed person 180 degrees
If you think you know who I am, and want to reach out for further chizzuk, I have nothing to hide in real life and would love to share my ESH with you

Re: First step in the right direction הבא לטהר מסייעין 19 Jan 2025 15:35 #429485

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parev wrote on 19 Jan 2025 11:21:

5678 wrote on 19 Jan 2025 07:44:

parev wrote on 23 Dec 2024 05:42:

5678 wrote on 12 Nov 2024 06:35:
Hi all, sorry if it's not clearly written, I'm not go

WOW
I could have written that!
BLN remind me to write later what my experience in this was

R' parev, you still owe me a post about your experience on this, 



Did you mean that you want to remind me?
Its a shame you waited almost a month, coz now im post baby and pre campain
But BLN I will try and make some time for you!

Mazel tuv,  
Yup it's a shame, but I had to take a brake from spending time on the site,
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