Wow! Minhamayim, your story is overall similar to mine. Yeshiva guy trying to balance the external look of a Ben Torah while at the same time feeling disgusted with myself about how crooked and messed up I am inside from all the disgusting stuff I did. 
I just joined here a few days ago and although I feel I'm 15 years too late to the party, I will work on myself to make a real change, by reading the posts here, getting to shmooze to the גבורי כח who have seen the יצר הרע, and were able to win over him. 
I have alot of admiration for you to put in the effort to fight this evil monster and for all the times you wrote about how you won in the airport. Etc. 

Amazing. 

Lichvod Reb IWLR,

A huge belated Mazel tov on this tremendous milestone!
Nothing I can possibly write here can do justice to the amount of hakaras hatov i have for what you've done for me.

A drop less than three months ago, I was drowning in an ocean of mud. The undercurrent was pulling me down deeper and deeper as I watched myself crossing lines I had always thought were simply uncrossable.

I had always knows that my lust struggle affected me (and my family) on every level but I simply had no idea how to properly address it. I tried to deal with it by making firm commitments and basically just desperately hoping that it would just go away so that I could finally start living a truly productive life. But the problem was only getting worse. And then it started to really spiral out of control.

I never thought for a second that my yeshua would come about the way that it did. Actually connecting to others about this was for me an unfathomable concept. I thought that even if I would be able to muster up the guts to share everything about my struggle with someone, no one would truly understand me. I figured that anyone else that was busy with the garbage that I was busy with must not really be interested in changing. And people who were struggling and wanted desperately to get help, just couldn't be as deep in as I was. As I'm writing this I'm realizing how conceited that sounds. But think it I did. Boy was I wrong.

When I came on gye around 3 months ago, until then I had never properly checked out the site. For some reason, because of the device I was using and its settings, I couldn't fully view the forums and therefore had no idea that there were actual real people like me active here. Bchasdei Hashem, I did find the partner program though and desperately, although a bit skeptically, submitted my request for a partner.

Iwlr, you are constantly on the lookout for someone else that can be rescued from the depths of despair and loneliness. On the forums, the partner and mentor program, your BMG signs, and most recently your tremendous undertaking of raising awareness amongst the rabbanim.

Its not surprising that it was you who first found me and reached out. Not a few hours after submitting my partner request we began our conversation via email. Then, that first phone conversation when I almost immediately guessed who you were by your voice.

My dear longtime friend iwlr,

My eyes are tearing as I write this. Imagine we would have known all those years ago what Hashem really had in mind. That close childhood friendship was, like everything else, the yad Hashem orchestrating His master plan. I think about the beginning. The events that led to your parents move... Our fathers' friendship... Our shared hobbies and interests.... (Even the fact that I was and always will be better than you at kugelach)

I truly feel Hashem holding my hand. Its all so clear. After so many lonely years of crying painful tears, in one moment He allowed me a glimpse of His constant presence.

You were with me that night. We experienced it together and neither of us will ever forget it.

May the gilui hashkacha pratis we were both zoche to witness this year be with us throughout this Rosh Hashanah as we daven that the world's sheker, distractions, and confusion come to an end so that all will be able to proclaim with inner calm and joy

 ה' אלוקי ישראל מלך ומלכותו בכל משלה


From the bottom of my heart, I wish you, everyone here on gye, and the entire klal yisroel a כתיבה וחתימה טובה and a gut gebenched yur!!


Your close friend,

MinHamayim

Hello all,

It's been a bit. just wanted to check in here and admit and document the fact that I've been slipping a bit on the street- shmiras einayim wise.
Getting back into the grind of things calendar-wise always makes me remember that not all is hunky dory in my life and old habits die hard I guess.


But its much much worse when I'm lusting. I think writing this should help me keep me in check.



MInHamayim   

Nothing like a good dose of honesty to get us back on track.

Maybe give your old buddy Muttel a buzz? It’s been a couple of minutes since our last rendezvous 2 weeks ago…

Muttel

Muttel wrote on 05 Nov 2024 02:47:

What am I chopped liver??

Gosh! I don't even remember the last time we spoke...

Embarrassed to say that I just slipped a little. Not sure if it's a fall.

I am not anonymous to quite a few people here which makes it extra embarrassing.

Not sure what to think. 

Going to sleep now.

Sorry guys, 


Minhamayim

Thank you all for your support. 

I decided I'm gonna follow hhm's advice on this one and not count it as a fall. To be honest mostly cuz I'm not holding by starting over. The streak is a tool I can use in weaker moments and I'm not ready to give that up. Or maybe I just don't want to give it up and start over because I just don't want to. Whatever.  Point is, bh I did not view actual porn nor did I even touch. Chasdei HaShem.

I fixed the loophole in my filter. 

Let this be a wakeup call for me that I gotta be on top of my game at all times- working on ways for that to happen as well.


Thanks again to all who posted and reached out. 


Pulled out once again, 

Minhamayim

Not sure what that so called fall was, but whatever the case,