Wow, thank for your honesty and openness.
I found that videos of women singer's were a big trigger for me. It seems that the women singer's Kol Isha even without the video is what you are talking about. I found for myself that being really accepting of my powerlessness over my desire for tiva and nashim was the big first step toward my recovery.

Sorry I've come so late to the party. I'm so happy that you found the courage to slowly open up more and more. Sharing your struggles, having friends join you in your journey, leaning on them for support, these things will change your life, my friend! Keep posting, look around and learn some tips, and make some friends. Keep trucking!

Thank you for reaching out to me. I am sober today and very happy and thankful to Hashem.

I tried staying off some of the music that I found triggering. 
Hard like hell. 
Hopefully I'll feel the light.

getitright wrote on 12 Mar 2024 23:14:

Gevaldig!

Keep plowing and sharing,
We are right behind you,

getitright wrote on 12 Mar 2024 23:14:

Hi Getitright,

Welcome to the forum!! 

I relate to your struggles. I used to struggle a lot myself in this inyin, back and forth. Always trying and finally failing. 

At the advice of a friend that I've grown close with here on GYE, I learned how to draw myself a red line. A line I am not willing to cross. A line that if I do cross, I have ventured beyond what "passes" for me. 

For example, females singing can be very sensual. And can cause a stirring of desire, you can almost feel it physically in your body. And some lryics are downright explicitly sexual and I came to realize I don't really want this. 

Took me to dark places I didn't really want to go. And it was indeed an opening to act out much worse later on.

Since I've cut away lusty and sensual sexiness from music, I actually find that I can enjoy my favorite music even more. So it may actually be beneficial to separate lust from music. When they are both intertwined, we are left unsatisfied, not musically nor sexually. 

There is a spectrum of what one may consider overly sexual. Find your sweet spot, you know...the stuff that makes you feel ugghh deep down, and cut it away. You actually won't miss it!

The only caveat to being able to attempt this, is to be freed of the trappings of porn. While we are still infected with lust in such an extreme way, everything is about sex, lust and being triggered, and it will be fairly impossible to separate anything from it. 

Wishing you clarity and success! 

Music (non-Jewish) triggers me in a major way, too. Even if it's not overtly sexual. The song, [if it's GOOD], and the rhythm, and poetry of it gets into my bloodstream. Whatever it's SAYING hits me deep. Sometimes it changes the whole way i'm thinking and feeling. And it brings out parts of me that I don't like. I stay away from it, almost always.
I'm lucky that I don't really feel a need for it. if I did it would be incredibly challenging....  So I empathize with you....

I generally have no time to listen to anything, unfortunately. Whenever I have a few minutes to listen to good, positive Neshamadike music, either fast or slow, it helps me a lot and I wonder why I don't use this special tool more...

Hang in there..

Thanks for the advice!
Basically, now I feel a NEED for it. The question is how to change the mindset from a NEED to a desire?
Why is it a need? 1- cuz I've been living with it for the longest time. 2- call it an escape or the like, it takes my mind off any stress+.
Once it's not a need, it's possible to make red lines etc. 

getitright wrote on 15 Mar 2024 10:16:

Small steps are usually the way to go. You can pick a small step - it is possible even now [e.g. -I assume you don't listen on Shabbos], so make a few small changes that are significant but doable. Stick to them for a little while. You should then be able to taste the (heady feeling that comes with) the possibility of change... Then maybe one step more...

Simultaneously, try to work on "offense" - thinking about the questions: what do I want?, what will make me feel good? 

its a very liberating feeling to realize that you actually change...

For #2 find alternative coping solutions to reduce stress. For me talking about it with someone, Exercise and Urge Surfing work to resolve stress in a healthy way. Also, for you, try finding kosher music that will do the job.

Welcome to the forum. I very much relate to what you wrote. I also analyze every harmony, guitar stroke and chord progression. I can tell if a song is arranged by Yisroel Lamm or Ruvi Banet, or if it was composed by Max Martin or Ryan Tedder etc.

Some days (most days?), I need some geshmake non Jewish pop music pumping through my veins to make it through the day. So I relate a lot. 

I think you need to separate your need for geshmake music from your need for geshmake lust (like You Know Who was saying, lechoire). 

Are you craving the musical euphoria or the lusty euphoria? 

Personally, I'm כמעט completely removed from lust but I listen to non Jewish male music all the time. It's clearly separated in my mind. I'm here for the music. If female music is a lust trigger for you, which it probably is for most people, then part of working on your lust would be to cut that part out of your life. Unfortunately I don't see two ways about it. 

If you mamash need the world of non Jewish music as an outlet (as I do), there is PLENTY of reasonably non-triggering male songs out there.

Great, honest share. Keep up the good work.