There’s so much relatable Emes here for me! This is helping me gain further clarity in why certain times are triggering. Yeah, that empty feeling when I should be accomplishing more carries a gnawing dissatisfaction in its wake… Lots to think about. 
Thank you. 

IWLR! Please accept my Bracha- keep going up and up, ever stronger.

And catch up on your writing. We need that Sefer!!!

Hey all, doing awesome here b"h!

Had an interesting observation recently, and was wondering what you guys have to think about this. After recently having reached 90 days clean, I had been chatting with a number of guys and they asked me what I'm doing to celebrate. In all honesty I hadn't really thought about it much, but I answered that maybe I'd buy myself a donut. (Still didn't decide bagel nosh or should I splurge and go to sesame...) The response I received were exclamations of surprise and confusion. Shouldn't going 90 days clean deserve a much greater reward? At least go out to eat with your wife... but a donut? How can you celebrate 90  days with a donut? A donut is for a week... maybe?!? (I love donuts btw... but still!!!)

I'd like to explain my thoughts (mainly to myself...). I don't feel like I need a reward for staying clean! I want to stay clean as this is what I've been trying to do for 15 years now. I'm thinking that if my attitude was that I'm giving up on something major and I was barely able to hold on for the 90 days, then yea I'd want something in return for that which I'm giving up. That reward would have to sort of replace what I'm losing out on by not watching porn or masturbating for so long. However, before I started my journey I knew deep down that if I feel like I'm giving something up there's no way I'd make it. I knew that in order to "make it" I'd need to really understand myself, and understand the struggle. I was so unmotivated and uninterested in stopping, as I was literally having the time of my life with porn 24/6. Through the battle of the generation book, and through amazing chizzuk from wonderful friends I feel like I've really changed. I now understand better how to deal with an urge and how to "enjoy" overcoming a struggle. For me the reward of 90 days is the emotional reward I get from it. I feel truly amazing and I'm actually quite impressed with myself. 

Of course it's always an extra geshmak if a milestone is also celebrated with something extra, but I'll think a donut it'll be!

Sesame

Vehkam wrote on 21 Dec 2023 20:44:

$24.99

iwannalivereal wrote on 21 Dec 2023 20:43:

Dear iwannalivereal,

Sometimes, certain things I read just plants itself in my mind and pops out at random moments as I'm lost in thought.

Your point is so profound and so true, thank you for bringing it out in such a beautiful way. It gives us all appreciation for what we have accomplished. And hope for what we continue to strive for.

At times, the name of your thread pops into my head…

Sometimes it's a gentle whisper...

Sometimes it’s an incredulous question...

Sometimes it’s a melody...

Sometimes it’s a mighty roar...

“Raboisai, I’m living real!!!”

Wow! As a newcomer to gye I was just shown this post. (Shoutout and tremendous thank you to ainshumyeiush for the reference!)
Please keep posting! Your pearls of wisdom pour forth and hit me right where I need it. I am in awe of your courage to really face yourself, your desires, and through that be able to uncover your true Ratzon - to be a true Eved Hashem. (check out Daas Tevunos #24 Freidlander edition)
Looking forward to more gems from someone who is actually "Living Real"!

Today is כ"ג טבת. For most people כ"ג of the month isn't much... For me however כ"ג of each month is for a rosh chodesh of sorts. The first day of living real was כ"ג אלול. Today is the first day of my fifth month clean!

I'm still trying to figure out if it can possibly be that I have gone 4 months without watching pornography. Pornography for me was what I looked forward to each day. Pornography gave me what I really "needed". Pornography had totally surrounded my life. I should have been long dead al pi that cheshbon. I have now בס"ד מרובה broken out of that craziness. I have not just learned to live life and enjoy life without pornography (which is how anyone without this struggle lives their life...) I have learned how to make life enjoyable by not watching pornography. To me, the emotional pleasure I get by not watching pornography, and by not checking out every lady and girl within ד' אמות a מיל has become far greater than the physical pleasure I get from watching pornography. This pleasure is a whole lot stronger, and best of all - it stays with me forever!

I was recently texting a GYE friend and I texted him that I am obsessed with succeeding in shmiras einayim. After hitting the send button, I realized how much I've shteiged. I used to be obsessed with checking out every single lady I could get my eyes on. I have memories of chasing a lady into the next aisle for a second look. I remember standing by the window of my house (or even for an even better angle - from the window in a shul while trying to learn) on Pesach or Sukkos when the weather's warm and checking out everyone in their nice yom tov clothing. I was quite busy with this sugya. And here I am just a few months later, and I'm texting a friend that I'm obsessed with succeeding in shmiras einayim!

Thank you guys! The constant support I get from a whole bunch of you keeps me going strong!

You are an inspiration!

Wow! Please bentch me that I should be zoche to reach your level! An inspiration indeed.

This past week was a bit interesting... I suddenly had this lack of interest in my daily schedule and had some challenging moments. I was sliding around a bit, and getting too close to acting out than I would have liked to be. Thankfully, because of proper safeguards I have on my computer I didn't even get close... I am b"h feeling much better and feel like I am back to myself.

I learned a valuable lesson this week. I am more than 4 months clean, and the more I continue with this new "life" the further I feel from this struggle. However, all it takes is one rough day, or one bad mood and I'll be right back in it. I can go from being miles and miles away from watching pornography, and in seconds I've traveled till I'm just about at the doorstep. So although there is a huge difference in "mileage" that I have traveled over the past few months, it seems as this is not the most important difference that has changed in me.

The most important change that has happened to me over the past few months is that I have learned how to overcome the desire even when it starts raging up inside me. I have learned that when I feel "I need it", it really isn't so. I don't need it. In fact not only do I not need it, but giving in to it will be quite detrimental to me. And even more that that; not only is not giving in to it just avoiding harm, it will actually make me feel good. When that desire started rising inside of me this past week I was reminded of the "sweet" lifestyle that I lived for so many years. I remembered how much I enjoy watching pornography and how much "happiness" it gave me. I remembered how "free" it feels to be able to do whatever I want, look at whoever I want, and lust at whatever I want. When I didn't act on my desires, I realized how incredible of an accomplishment all of us here are doing. Pornography is easy, free, and available 24/7. It's right there at the click of a button. It's incredibly geshmak and tempting. And yet all of us here are committed to staying away from it, and to saying no to our desires. By being rudely reminded of the pleasures of my past, I was able to appreciate "the new me" in an even brighter light!

Hero! And a wise one too...

Reb IWLR, something about your post touches me so deeply. You came here, within a short time you started flying!!!! You became a fire of inspiration. And, maybe some people, like myself, told ourselves, this person is just different. His struggles don't reflect on mine, because there's no way I can go zooming to the sky! And then you posted that you had a hard moment. You learned you can weather that storm, too. And that made you only greater. You reflect the story of each and every one of us. We each have our strengths. But when we start trucking, we gotta remember, the YH doesn't forget about us. And he might lull us into thinking we are 'clean for life'. We ain't gonna be clean for life until life is over. And no matter how great a person is, we can never, ever get complacent. I'm sorry for your hard time, but it made your inspiration that much more relatable. 
Keep on trucking, smiling...and sharing!

Thank you R' eerie for bringing out this point - I actually noticed something about myself recently. All my posts are always surrounding my accomplishments and positive feelings, yet when I'm going through a rough stretch I feel too vulnerable to post about it. It's interesting how the way you described that when reading my thread you felt that I was just zooming to the sky... I kinda felt the same way too. I felt as if I finally made it and now I can just stand perched up here in the sky and just smile my way through life.

I'd like to write a bit about the last two weeks, in where I had some serious struggling going on. I'm not sure if I can pinpoint where this all started, however what I do know is that one day last week this thought popped into my head - "Ok that's it! Enough is enough!!! Who you fooling anyway... just watch a bit of porn, enjoy it, masturbate too and you'll be happy! Nothing bad will happen. You'll lose your streak, but we all know streaks don't mean much anyways..." And with that - he was back.

Instead of being this super motivated guy with a strong desire to overcome the YH, I was now hearing a pretty convincing argument that it's ok to sometimes watch some stuff, and check things out. BH I'm still holding strong against him, but I let a few cracks through the door. 1) I discovered that although my wife's work laptop is very strongly filtered to block pornography, there is still "stuff" that is accessible on it. No pornography, but things I don't want to be looking at nonetheless. 2) I discovered a loophole in an app I have on my (flip) phone that allowed me to browse the web without a filter. 3) I have a gmail account from my "old life" through which a lot of bad stuff is just an email away. I hadn't logged on in the longest time... this week I logged on.

Being that I have been putting in some decent effort to change my mindset, this week was not as bad as it could have been. 4 months ago, this would have been the beginning of a few week descent into some real nasty places. 4 months ago feeling ichy wasn't just a safek if I should go for the garbage, it was the excuse to go for the garbage. This time around I was so much more aware of my struggles, and I was able to "watch" how me and the YH danced around each other.

From now on 1) I don't touch my wife's work laptop - and when it comes home (which is usually max once a week) I will bl"n post about it here. 2) I have contacted 2 people to see if they can remove the loophole from the app, and have been trying to uninstall it until I know that it's safe to use. 3) This one was a biggey for me - I deleted my gmail account. This account for me was kind of a last bit of my old life that I had been holding onto "just in case". I realized that although I might taka need it just in case - I still don't want it. Goodbye!

Just to end off this long post, I wanted to share that over the past two weeks I discovered something. I thought that living real meant living life without a struggle and without terrible urges - winning every shmiras einyaim battle out there and just smiling my way through life. I now see that living real means living with the struggle and with the terrible urges. Living real means using the tools and resources I have learned and practiced over the past few months.

Raboisai - Now I'm Living Real

My dear friend Reb IWLR, I think it's been a while since a post made me as emotional as this one. You are such an unreal real inspiration, you take my breath away! You really DO understand the struggles we have, you really DO have your own set of struggles, and you are determined to overcome them.
When you deleted that Gmail account, I can't even imagine how much you accomplished up there! You broke the last line, your last connection, and you announced to the YH, and even more importantly, to yourself, I DON'T WANT THAT!!!! Now you can continue soaring, unfettered!
My friend, recently someone told me that he feels he shouldn't distance himself from the cues, the triggers, because then he's not retraining his mind. But as you see, we don't have to arrange the triggers. We can, and must, try our best to stay as far away as we can, and we will be tested anyway. Watching you in real time work through the tests one by one. Watching you grapple with lust, and deciding it is something you don't want, it is so meaningful and real! It is so inspiring! Thank you for sharing that even you have struggles, and how you work on overcoming your set of nisyoinois. 
There's no doubt in my mind that you'll be ok. Not just ok. You'll be so much greater! And you'll inspire many others to follow in your way

Keep trucking, my holy friend!!!!

iwannalivereal wrote on 19 Jan 2024 04:47:

Ought to be framed in gold. 

Everyone who is experiencing the euphoria of breaking free should read this. Because what happens when I just-don’t-wanna anymore and just don’t care? Then what? Living Real. 

לחיים 
לחיים טובים ולשלום 
קאמט!