ilovehashem247 wrote on 26 Jun 2025 19:22:

You absolutely did the right thing. A great life skill is to be able to step into the uncomfortable. You did that and you should be proud of yourself. It gets easier.

i am second guessing myself like crazy

she just came in to my office to fight and stormed away when she heard things she didn't like. i aknowledged timing of telling her i will not stand for the physical abuse was not good and that i was extra triggerred bc of the childhood trauma stuff. but regardless it was unacceptable. 

she also informed me yesterday that the niece i had issues with last summer was going to come over and sleep by us last night. i said no way she has to find somewhere else. she ended up sleeping next door by the bitch sister in law. 

wife said girl is sleeping by us tonight and i told her no way it is embarrassing enough to have disclosed about her and now to bring it up again is humiliating. it is a boundary that cannot be crossed. she told me so sleep somewhere else tonight. 

i told her i replaced the broken security camera that was in the living room to document next time she hurts our kids and to show her the video. she stormed away. 

I am not doing this perfectly but i know that i am not wrong to stand up for this, even if it was prompted by the childhood trauma in therapy. 

fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Wow dude! Sounds intense! Hang in there, one foot in front of the other.... Keep doing good work. The stress might try to convince you that you're not doing as well as you are. If that's the case, compare yourself today to yourself from the recent past and objectively tell yourself that you have been on a trajectory of growth! Keep it up!

ilovehashem247 wrote on 26 Jun 2025 23:36:

Having gone through this parsha with a tremendous amount of suffering, I would like to make the case that you should indeed be second guessing yourself. 

Conventional wisdom says that when you see a child being abused you must step in to protect the child. I once heard from R' Beryl Gershenfeld shlita that Conventional wisdom is something that most people believe to be true, however the experts know differently. 
I have found that the experts on Sholom Bais will tell you that in this situation the husband is different than other people. 

The following is from page 290 in the book Garden of peace :
"A wife may make many mistakes in child-rearing, but her husband's quarreling with her about it will do more damage that any mistakes. If a wife is too stern with her children and her husband steps in to protect them, the damage to the child from the ensuing tension will be far greater than the damage to the child from her stringency. In the case of strife between a mother and one of the children, a husband must first give unconditional backing. 
The Ben ish chai writes that when one walks into a volitle situation, he should realize the Satan is at work in attempting to stir up arguments and discord."

The author goes more into detail about this on pages 194-196. It's a must read. 

See also the" win win marriage" book on this topic. He says this same idea.

I know good and well that this is a really hard pill to swallow. I failed for many years. My brother told me years ago to do what R' Arush writes and I just couldn't listen to him. I felt that I had to protect my daughter. I felt that it would be selfish of me to allow my daughter to be abused. I was wrong. The situation only got worse and worse. The proof is in the pudding. R' Arush is saying the truth. It's counter-intuitive, but it's true. 

Don't make the same mistake I made. Your marriage is in a delicate place. Give your wife unconditional backing. Your wife needs to see that you care more about her than your child. Once she sees that she will calm down and she will change. Deep down she feels horrible about what she did. She will admit that, but only once she knows that she is #1. 

If you don't have either of these books and would like them, I will bring them to you or I can leave them on a park bench of your choosing. 

Wishing you much Hatzlacha! 

-Diamond 

DiamondWITHOUTaFlaw

In theory, you are right, in a case where the mother might be overbearing or perhaps emotionally unsettling to the child.
when there is harmony amongst father and mother in the house, that is definitely conducive to help to bring up a healthier child.BUT when 1 parent is physically abusive, it is without doubt the responsibility of the other parent to protect the child.

Do you want a child to grow up believing - as I know first-hand cases, that both their parents are people that cannot be trusted to keep them safe??I would say, however, that the question - how to resolve the crisis? There might be a better way to handle it than confronting her 1 on 1. 
No woman is open to be told “you’re wrong”

Marriage counseling would be a much better place to bring it up. If you don’t have any - it’s about time…