Hi, 

This is my first time ever sharing with anyone my struggles with porn or any sexual endeavors.

I grew up with a TV in my house. It wasn’t in the living room, but my parents had one in their bedroom and my father had one in his office. I remember being exposed to MTV music videos as a young kid probably about 11 years old. That was the first time I remember being attracted to women. We were also subscribed to sports illustrated which has a swimsuit edition every year. My mom would throw it out as soon as it came, but I took it out of the garbage and keep it by my bed.(I can’t believe I’m writing this) 
This was just a start.
in high school my learning was never amazing, I was a floater. Not a troublemaker but never really excelled. Looking back, I’m very lucky that I held on and didn’t let myself go completely. All throughout high school I was always taking my parents and siblings old phones and watching porn. It totally affected my life. I never was able to apply myself. And I would never discuss with my parents. That would have been so embarrassing and shameful. Luckily, my rebbeim always liked me, I wasn’t a bad kid just lost. Btw, the yeshiva I was in was a top yeshiva in my hometown, so although I wasn’t learning, that did give me confidence somewhat. After 12th grade I felt I needed to leave that yeshiva, and applied to another top yeshiva. I literally couldn’t repeat one full shiur from that year but somehow I put something together to say on the farher. And I got accepted.(looking back, this is absolutely crazy). The bros medrash years were more of the same. I got my own smartphone now that a friend bought me. I was watching porn at least a few times a week. I stooped so low in brush medrash. On one occasion I went to a strip club, another time a massage parlor ( luckily nothing happened there, and remained a virgin) and on two other occasions went to strip clubs. Always hiding my yarmulke. My last zman in that yeshiva I learnt a bit how to focus and really excelled. But I felt like a vessel with a hole at the bottom, nothing stayed in. After 3 years I went to Israel. I had no idea where I was going when I went. I went knocking on a certain rosh yeshivas door. I had nothing to show for my learning. Luckily with intervention from others, I was accepted.( also known as a top yeshiva) I learnt well there but nothing stayed. ( and was addicted to porn)
it got so bad in Israel. One time, I was out myself late at night the streets were empty. I saw an Israeli girl walking towards me. I went to talk to her. I said let’s go have sex in a hotel room. It was sukkos, we went to a sukka and I asked if she can give me a bJ. (This is so terrible) she said no politely. But then she said we’ll take a taxi to her house and have sex there. I said ok. It was 300 shekel to her house. We arrived there( in the car we were touching etc.) I wanted to have sex, she said she’s just running into her house to get something and then we’ll have sex. She never came out. She used me for a free taxi. I felt like garbage. I took a bus back to yerushslayim, thinking that my dira mates will ask me where I was. I made up a story that I slept over at a friend in a different neighborhood.

my addiction has been prevalent ever since, now I’m married with kids. Bh my wife is amazing (she doesn’t know any of this) I can never tell her. 

I feel so alone. I really need help. 

Hey Larry Bird. Thank you for your courageous post. The emotions you shared are very poignant and many of your child experiences are sadly how we all got going down this road. Coming to and posting on GYE is a great first step. I'm here for you and believe in your ability to rebuild your life.

You will find that this step you just took is huge and in all likelihood will change your life if you stay here go about it with dedication.

Thank you that means a lot. I only realized that i had a problem when I listened to Dovid Lichtenstein interview of rabbi lopian. (6 years ago)Ever since then I’ve always tried different tactics with different levels of success. I was doing much better but life has recently created some very stressful scenarios. Last night I thought I was fine, all of the sudden I fell anxiety and watch porn and m 5 times.

how can I stop?

Larry Bird wrote on 20 Mar 2022 19:49:

What has worked for me is to develop a different activity to relieve stress, such as exercise, playing or listening to music, or losing myself in a novel. The more I'm directly fighting thinking about acting out, the more I'll lose. Seek to distract lust, and eventually Hashem will help you win and destroy it

I was hooked for over 30 years. Even though I tried to stop a number of times I was never successful. In the past I was always doing things by myself (e.g. filters, deleting accounts etc). It wasn’t until recently when I decided to open up on here and post regularly in the forums that I was able to be successful.

You shared your story here in such a brave and honest way, clearly you're a very strong person. You mentioned you've tried a few diffferent tactics, can you explain what they are so you can get some feedback here? Welcome to the GYE chevra, b'ezras Hashem you will get past this

Do you have filters on your device(s)? That's really the first step you should take if you haven't already. You have probably already seen this but I put in my signature a list of filters that should help you filter any type of device you have. I also listed how to get webchaver for free which I do recommend you get in conjunction with the filters if you haven't already. The filters themselves have many accountability features and using webchaver on top of them is a really good idea because webchaver offers a unique form of accountability. You should also set the filters to "allowed websites only" instead of just using the function that allows you to block just p websites because it won't block those things that you were already exposed to like the music videos. I was also exposed to the filth on the internet through music videos and this is what's best to be safe.   

Now if you do have filters but are struggling with this nonetheless, because there are numerous ways today that you can still get what you want if you really tried, I recommend talking with a GYE mentor to see if a 12 step program would be good for you if you wanted to go into it. The only reason I say this is because, and my intention is not to be critical at all, but approaching a girl like that is a very brazen thing to do and it might indicate that something more needs to be done. I can't really say though, which is why I ask that you do look into this as an option with a GYE mentor, anonymously of course.

I hear what you’re talking about that approaching a girl is very brazen, but it was five years ago. I also would never ever approach a girl in my own community or similar to me, that we may overlap. I figured I’ll never come across this Israeli girl again. 

Thank you for your help with the filters. I’m going to strengthen the filters on my iPhone. I’ll start with that. Thank you for your help. Besurois Toivois!

I always tried to work on mindset. I read and watched a lot of ways to upgrade your mindset. This really has helped me a lot. I used to be much more nimble. Now I’m more assertive and confident. And the results are clear. I was able to be more focused on learning, I have a job, and have solid relationships. At times that has worked to relieve the stresses and anxieties of day to day life. I also tried nofap motivation.

Wow! Welcome to GYE! You're clearly a strong and sincere person, who has been battling this for a long time, alone. Hopefully you can gain strength from the Chevra here, from the information available and from the tools that you'll find. It's not a race to the finish line, so take your time, see what ideas resonate with you, what works for you, and post often.
Hatzlocha Rabba!

HI

There is a lot to discus, but first welcome !! coming out from this isolation is major, that alone is it going to make easier.

I could see that the feeling of being alone makes you crazy, I wanna tell you you are not alone, you have a lot friends who UNDERSTAND YOU. this addiction is berried in yourself, it shleps you around, and you feel like not in control.
the double life makes you crazy !!! every day with your wife, when you would only know.... and when in that mindset its very hard to be in control of yourself.

So coming out and getting the right help is major, and you will be matzlich like Alot of guys here

Hatzlacha !!!!!!

Welcome!

Believe it or not, you are not the first guy to have asked an Israeli girl for sex and get used for a free taxi ride home (or free food/drinks etc.)... It hurts, girls know how to play on our weaknesses.

It sounds like you are really frustrated and you wish you never had to deal with this in to begin with. 

It sounds like you went through a lot, where do you stand today? 

There are lot of guys here who had similar pasts, lots are still in the present, hang around here and find someone who speaks to you. Many guys have come a long way, just know that it's a journey. It can take time and be pretty bumpy. Often people who are stuck for a long time need some real intervention like therapy, meetings, or even just a phone call to one of the more experienced guys here. It helps to see what works and what doesn't and how to plan ahead. 

Yesh tikvah! 

Wow that makes me feel a whole lot better. That was one of the lowest points of my ordeal. 
Truthfully I thought I had my porn addiction in check, but recently, I’ve been very stressed. I’ve fell back in very deep. I’m so ready to call it quits on this. I want my life back. I want to enjoy life again. A crazy thought is that I’m not even sure Ive ever lived a day of true freedom. Scary.

Welcome to GYE Larry Bird!
​Your honesty and willingness is very evident in your writings.  
​One of the keys for success is the realization that you are very normal and you're battling one of the most difficult battles with the goal to with the war. So even if you lose some battles, as long as you keep on fighting and stay connected with the great people at GYE, eventually you WILL win the war!