Chancy im going to assume you are replying to teshuva guy? just getting a bit mixed with my thread :-)

wow. 10 steps forward 9 steps back. i just got so re traumatized. i started telling my father about sexually abusing my other sister and and then he told me he wants me to stop telling him. My blood turned cold. Ive been deadly scared of him since.

Yes, didn’t do that right….

10 steps forward..... 9 steps back..... 3 steps forward again! My fathers coming with me to theripy to learn how to interact with someone who went through truama , because he wants to avoid retraumatizing me. THANK YOU HASHEM!!

had a crazy week, I came into contact with so many traumatic feelings and didn't have therapy for another week. I felt like I'm falling apart and finally after a few days starting to put the pieces back together again. The good part of falling apart, Is that I get to see the individual pieces more clearly. I had such a strong pull to destact myself. Years back i would have gone straight to masturbation or phone lines. Today that enters my mind for a second and then i start allowing myself to fall apart. Yes I fall apart but no, I don't fall down. THANK YOU HASHEM.

Human being wrote on 06 Nov 2022 00:50:

You are such a fighter, my friend. So courageous and I’m so proud of your accomplishments! Keep it up, buddy, you’re doing great!

I'm realizing more and more that my shame of having had weird sexual (orientations?) in the past, and still having them to an extent today, is what makes me feel so scared and out of place in the general Frum community. I feel like if anyone would know me sexually they would think I'm demonic. But all it is, is the way my brain learned to get safety. And now that the way my brain is wired to (only somewhat. It is just a small part of me not me) only be sexually attracted to people that feel really safe to me. The only people my brain is wired to feel safe with and then by extension have sexual attraction are a few categories of a unique type of look.

This causes me so much shame. i feel like this part of me however small it is, cant be accepted by the yeshiva world.. i feel like this part of me is not invited.

On the flip side of things, gaining self awareness about my shame is helping me move forward and embrace myself for who i am, weird sexual feelings and all. A guy was making fun a ssa and said about something i was doing "dude you gay?" so for the first time ever i said "yeah a little actually".   lol the dudes reaction was awesome. im a yeshiva bacher who is wearing a hat and jacket and telling a guy i have a challenge with ssa, anyways it felt really good to not be ashamed. AND PLEASE TONT WORRY. this is not about Identifying as ssa. Its about acknowledging the feelings of a small part inside me and the challenges that comes along with it. Btw my struggle is not really ssa. Its any person that i feel safe with. which includes cute girly boys and boyee girls. I know its weird. but im not hiding it anymore. Im basically not too attracted to anyone bigger then me or older then me. or normal. they need to be proactive, or against the regular.

Hi Human Being, 
Ill be totally honest with you, I was a bit more then a bit triggered by your post here. It seems a like a lot of the same things you do unfortunately. 
Thank Hashem that i have bullet proof filters..... I have calmed down already......
In the future, if possible, please do not be so descriptive. I dont need more fantasies in my head.....
If it helps you in your journey, then continue doing what you are doing, ill just try not to read  your posts.......

chancy wrote on 09 Nov 2022 18:49:

Chancy, what in Human Being’s post triggered you? I honestly didn’t see anything sexually descriptive there. Just curious. 

Human being wrote on 09 Nov 2022 06:54:

Really amazing stuff. I think you are doing great. This is such a different tone from you and I think it is a healthier one for you, maybe. By the way, it seems as though you are discovering places where you DO fit in. You mentioned several types of people you are comfortable with. Am I reading this wrong?

The description of the types of boys and girls he likes. 
Im just hypersensitive today. Everything is a trigger today for me...
I just noticed a women in my office who i never gave a second glance. now i got seriously triggered by her..... 
Some days you just gotta go back to sleep......

chancy wrote on 09 Nov 2022 19:46:

Yeah, I see how that could be triggering even though it’s not more explicit. It was probably not a smart question. Sorry, my friend ❤️

Sounds like you need some time, but in the proper time, having desire for someone who you're very comfortable with sounds great. That's the type of relationship one has this their wife. Closest, most open, and intimate relationship with another human being you'll have bezras Hashem.

It's amazing to see your perseverance and growth. Keep on shteiging!

I'm sorry you got triggered! was this a result of my descriptiveness or internally you were in a position to get triggered? i asking this seriously because i don't want to trigger anyone, yet i found my post to be quite ok. i don't even know how I'm supposed to share in the future if something along those lines are triggerfull. So my question is, do you think it was truly triggering in a general way, or just as it relates to you in that moment? Again please understand that that there's no judgment here. I'm asking seriously. once again sorry you got triggered.

to get lumdish. Was it a din the the cheftza or the gavra?

Human being wrote on 09 Nov 2022 20:58:

anything very descriptive has the risk of being triggering.  you can say that you are attracted to a certain type and be vague about it.  but once you start describing that "type" in detail there is a greater risk of someone starting to fantasize based on your descriptions.  it is not just the gavra here....