Teshuvahguy wrote on 12 Oct 2022 14:45:

Growing up non frum means you probably fit the definition of Tinok Shenishba according to the Chazon Ish. Meaning you are not held liable for that now and your job is to deal with the here and now. Please speak to your local Orthodox Rabbi. As for a therapist, although I am personally not dealing with SSA, the Relief orginization was extremely helpful for me personally in setting me up confidentially with a wonderful therapist for what I am dealing with.

Thank you, JacktheJew. What is the Relief Organization and how do I find them? I tried to look them up online but did not see anything that looks like what you are suggesting. 

@jackthejew, is this the organization you meant?

Teshuvahguy wrote on 12 Oct 2022 14:45:

What you read is based on kabbalistic ideas, but the Gemara and Rishonim clearly argue and hold that a person can do teshuva for any sin. And as is well known, whenever such an argument exists the halacha is like the Gemara and Rishonim. So it's possible to do teshuva for any sin and Hashem will surely accept it.

Teshuvahguy wrote on 12 Oct 2022 17:34:

www.reliefhelp.org/request-a-referral/

OR 718-431-9501

You can trust them.  Sometimes it takes a while to get an appointment with the right therapist.  

Please don't focus on what you did in the past. I have done plenty worse than you and i was still able to climb out of it.    Your job now is to focus on the present and future.  While i understand that you feel distant from hashem, i can assure you that hashem's love for his children is unconditional.  Feel free to email me anytime.

Thank you all. Sorry for sounding whiny. It’s just a rough couple of days! 

Teshuvahguy wrote on 12 Oct 2022 19:02:

everyone needs a shoulder to cry/lean on once in a while.  Please don't be sorry.

Teshuvahguy wrote on 12 Oct 2022 19:02:

I am in awe of the lifestyle change you have made/are working on. Such strength!

Thanks. At the age of 14 I was groomed by a 33-year-old man and had my first gay (or any) sex. I blame myself because I was attracted to him; I was not forced — but I was just a kid. Still, I blamed myself for wanting it.

That set in motion literally 40 years of virtually daily compulsive gay encounters, sometimes several in a day. I was so compulsive that I couldn’t work until I satisfied the need. I would just leave my office.

Though raised in a non-religious home, Hashem watched over me and protected me through the AIDS epidemic which didn’t stop me but the fear made me much more careful about what I did, so I never got infected. But I was always traumatized and terrified.

In those days, I wanted desperately to stop but I couldn’t. I would mark on a paper calendar each day I could go without (kind of a pre-GYE 90 day calendar, but this was before the internet) but it never lasted more than a couple of days. Much of this while married. I felt so guilty and horrible and wanted to stop but it was impossible. It’s a miracle I am alive.

After 40 years of that madness, when I was at my lowest point…divorced, at odds with my kids, that a dear friend asked me to go to a Chabad and talk to the rabbi. For some reason I was willing to do that (to please my friend—I was sure it was a waste of time) and literally a miracle occurred. I listened to the Rabbi tell me some hard truths about what I needed to do and what I needed to stop doing if I wanted him to try to help me. The first miracle is that I allowed him to be very frank with me and didn’t tell him off. The second miracle is that from that moment, I put on tzitzis and a kippah and never acted out with a man again. That was 15 years ago. So I know the impossible is possible. I have done it. I stopped actually having sex with men.

But the urge to watch porn and masturbate I have not been able to completely control. I can for varying periods of time, but then something happens —stress or sadness/depression and I slip. I used to be afraid to give up having sex with guys thinking I could not live without it. I did give that up and found that I CAN live without it. So why is it so hard to cross this finish line regarding porn and masturbation? Same feeling exists as though I could not live the rest of my life without it. But I know that is untrue. I’ve proven it. So why am I falling?

I hope this painful story gives hope to others. I am still attracted to men but at least I am not committing the aveiras associated with having sex with them. Now I need to do more to control my P and M. 

Thank you all for being here on GYE. Without you we are all alone. 

Teshuvahguy wrote on 12 Oct 2022 21:33:

A really remarkable story. I would recommend starting your own thread so you can consolidate your story in one place and people know where to address posts to you.

Yes! we definitely want to cheer you on! You are so wonderful for reaching out and sharing your story. You are such a Tzadik. LEGIT! Its unbelievable that you would be willing to say "I'm growing no matter what" You are so valuable. YOU ARE NOT HOPELESS! THAT IS THE VOICE OF THE YETZER HARA!!! And yes, there is no such thing as "I cant do teshuva" Why? Because teshuva means returning. YOU ALREADY DID start returning! You came to GYE to return to purity and Hashem. Unbelievable. Pat yourself on the back from picking yourself up from such pain. really inspiring. 

P.S- Almost every single person that got molested feels like they were somehow at fault. You were 14! 14 yr old's don't have the resolve to say no to people twice their age and double their size! Its not your responsibility to take away desires Hashem gave you! It IS a 33 yr old's responsibility to not ACT on his desires. This was not your fault my friend!!!!! It was 100 PERCENT his fault his responsibility and his shame. Im sorry such a wreck of a person took advantage of you like that.

We love you, your a beautiful person, welcome aboard! I cant wait to see your thread.

Baruch Hashem the journey continues. I hope I'm not making anyone feel down by expressing all my pain. It just helps me heal and avoid porn. Thank you everyone for your support! And for all the private email conversations. you guys are such real people. So thanks. (even to the person I'm not allowed to respond to! () (vehamayvin yavin) i have a lot more feeling to share after Shabbos. I'm getting so much self awareness of all my pain and baruch hashem have not masturbated in 9 weeks! (or watched porn for that matter.)

Human being wrote on 28 Oct 2022 20:57:

9 weeks is amazing. You are in inspiration…not someone making me feel down. To me, you can always share. No judgement, ever. Have a beautiful Shabbos!

So a lot has changed in the past week. I shared all my pain with my parents. I told my father about my sexual exploration with my sister when I was younger. I told them how angry i am at them for emotionally neglecting me and judging me. I shared with them that i struggle with porn.Something i never imagined I would one day do. THANK YOU HASHEM!!!!  Btw we all have patterns of thought in our ​minds about how people will respond when we share things with them that are vulnerable and embarrassing. I've yet to find out EVEN once that the way people responded was the way i had imagined. #GoAheadAndShare. If people cant take it their fault. Get angry at them for being judgmental.

I will give you a few guiding steps if you follow them, i promise you, you will start to feel better and you will start heading in the right direction
1. Forget about everything you have done in the past, especially before becoming frum. You didnt know anything back then about Kedusha, so how can you be blamed for that? The fact that you have become frum is the a bigger feat then most of us have ever done! So forget about it!
2. Stop feeling bad about your SSA, face the fact that you were assaulted as a teen and that might have caused you to become SSA or not. Nobody will ever know if that caused it. Either way, its irrelevant now, whats important now is that you accept it, Yes, you are attracted to guys, Yes, you did lots of stuff and you cant undo them, yes, you still have lots of urges, but NO, you DONT want to keep doing that obvisouly, only 1 part of your brain is still looking for that! you are actively looking to stop so you KNOW that YOU as a person DOES NOT want to do that!
3. I highly recommend you to go to therapy to a frum therapist, there are so many good ones now. 
4. If you cant/not ready/dont want to go yet, please work thru the F2F program, do it slowly and digest the information there. You will start to see your addiction and issues from a different angle. 
5. please stay with us, we need fighters like you to keep us going.