Hi!

I also just joined and after reading your introduction I couldn't believe what I just read. 

My mother had me fill in emotionally for her, as my father is super emotionally distant. 

Throughout my entire education career I was bullied or made to be the punchline of the joke. Most memories of my childhood are not positive at all.

However, the reason why I'm smiling is because it's nice to know there are people out there similar to me! Its nice to know there's a community of people who want to grow and get better.

Wishing you all the success bro!

Human being wrote on 04 Apr 2022 02:21:

Feel free to PM me for my number. I'm happy to talk to you when you're feeling weak, or any other time for that matter. I promise to not be judgy or offer shittos 

Deleted. I started a different thread for venting.

That being said tonight was my hardest night in over a month. the amount of times i started searching keywords that can lead to inappropriate content was like 5 times. It all started by me wanting to download  some videos and then a movie trailer with *** scenes came on on auto play. I didn't gaze at it but i scrolled past it a second time knowing it was there. Thank god i didn't watch porn or masturbate but i am so upset that i saw *** scenes. I made me feel like giving in. Thank god I didn't give in. I really hope it doesn't happen. In at 38 days. My second highest streak ever.

I'm also really depressed nowadays. When the winter starts coming in and its rainy it makes me want to close my eyes and drift off to sleep and wake up in the summer. I really need some support for my depression and anxiety. if anyone wants to be there for each other over email to vent, validate, share and care that would be amazing. I'm from a pretty yeshivish background and accepting curious and nonjudgmental. I've been in therapy for over 3 years and I'm in between 20-25. I would love to correspond with people going through similar emotional health challenges to #share and care. I love connecting to people and being there for others too of course in a non judgmental way! 

That is a great insight, @Human being. Yes, we may not want to feel angry or sad, but when we actually sit with the feelings, we heal. Awesome! I wish I could give you a hug after that emotional post. Sending you a virtual one!

Thank you everyone for all the love. Love you guys too. If you ever need to vent feel free!

41 days. I'm looking back to my first posts and I'm stunned at how far I've gotten! TYH! 

I'm starting to realize just how damaging it was for me that my father didn't give me a proper bar mitzva shmuezz (sexual education)
The fact that I had no clue what this weird stuff coming out of me was and i thought something was wrong with me was really traumatic. I had some vague knowledge from a rebbi whom my father asked to tell me "the shmuezz" about something to do with liking girls and if i fall to get back up but i had no clue what he was talking about. 

Thinking back, this is the reason i thought im the worst person in the world. I thought I'm some kind of inherently flawed pervert who was going to burn in hell big time and die some sort of gruesome death for all my perverseness.   This lead me to do things that were even worse (because i was anyways "bad". Which lead me to believe im some kind of perverted monster. 

I wish my father would have gave me a sexual education so i knew i was normal and not an inherent pervert. Its so engrained in me that im bad, that even now many years later a part of me still feels like a sick monster. Anyone else had the same thing happen? 

Growing up in a non-Orthodox environment, I had sex education, so I cannot join you personally. However, when I was in yeshiva, I was mentoring a high school bochur. He asked me about his wet dream. He said that his father told him to speak to his rebbi and his rebbi told him to speak to his father. He thought something was wrong with him, as you also experienced. I assured him that it was a normal bodily process and that there was nothing wrong with him, but at the same time I didn't know how much education to give him, being a 20-year-old bochur, unfamiliar with what is allowed and not allowed to be shared in that community.

Made a geder of not going on the internet over bain hazmanim unless someone I know personally is in the room with me. It has worked wonders thus far. Best bain hazmanim of my life! 47 days and onward! approaching my record of 58! (although i stopped caring so much about days and im instead I'm focused more on the roots of my challenge.)

I also have depression and anxiety disorder and came from an unhealthy home and learned at an early age to use porn and masturbation as self-soothing tools. It feels inconceivable to think that I could stop forever. It is a strong crutch. Add to this my SSA and I feel like how can Hashem love me or forgive me for my thoughts alone, never mind the garbage I look at and masturbate to. Before I was frum I was addicted to sex with men. It was a compulsion I could not control. At times I had sex with several men a day. It dominated my life and took precedence over everything else…my work, marriage, everything. When I became frum, somehow with Hashem’s help I stopped acting out with men. It was truly a miracle. So I know that habits that I thought were impossible to break are actually breakable. So maybe I am just not ready to give up gay porn and masturbation, even though I feel terrible when I do it and fight hard not to. How can I be a good Jew when committing such terrible sins? But the idea of letting it go is terrifying. Please go easy on me if you respond. I am already hurting and don’t want to be hurt more. I was on here 6 years ago and dropped off out of frustration. 

Have you considered sex addiction therapy?

Don’t beat yourself up. If you are trying to improve you are already ahead of the game.

Vehkam wrote on 12 Oct 2022 02:09:

Was this response to my post or someone else’s?

Teshuvahguy wrote on 12 Oct 2022 02:29:

Was a response to your last post prior to mine

All I know at this moment is that I feel alone in this struggle, I feel like a failure, I seem to be afraid of losing whatever I get from this behavior or I’d put filters on my phone that I cannot get around, I know what a huge aveira it is so I feel like Hashem must hate me (I used to have actual sex with men until 15 years ago—before I was a Baal Teshuvah but I read that there is no Teshuvah for certain acts so not even sure if I am forgiven even 15 years after stopping the behavior). I’m just sad and don’t have a lot of hope. I have a good life except for this need to watch gay porn and masturbate which I can only fight off for so long and then it overwhelms me. I need help but don’t know where to get it. A non frum therapist would not see anything wrong with either being gay or masturbation so I need someone who is frum to help me but who could I ever trust where I live?