Unfortunately I can now confirm that it is safe and nothing will happen to one who holds off from masturbating for 2 months. -and one will be able to ejaculate normally after.

Its depressing, but I'm also in a totally different place then 2 months ago. which makes me very proud.

​-Btw I don't want any advise right now. Just some love if anyone has.

That's good cause I have no advice and plenty of love .
Sending hugs your way!

Hi Human Being, I have no idea how you manage to radiate so much joy and enthusiasm through a computer screen. It amazes me, and your posts make me smile. You must be a pretty special person and a true eved Hashem. Looking forward to hearing about your continuing journey.

Human being wrote on 01 Mar 2022 18:16:

Sending love your way!

Im back on the highway. My ETA is actually a minute earlier. wierd

I relate to you 100 percent. I wasn't feeling ready to open up till I saw your post. I went through a lot of problems at home between neglect and verbal abuse. At a certain point, I left home, was thrown out of yeshiva, etc.
I will never forget the first time someone did something physical to me or all the times I struggled afterward, both in shmiras einayim, masturbation as well as the stuff I've done with other people. I feel horrible about myself for it.
Now I'm just trying to work on myself to stop with all this garbage and get my life together again. Thanks for helping me to be able to share this.

Have you ever shared this with a therapist?

@ I wanna get over this, I sent you a pm.

Ok back at it. Bh my brain is still changed. I must avoid twitter YouTube tiktok Instagram etc., they lead me straight to porn. 

I'm getting toward Bain hazmanim where I have many emotional flashbacks to when I was a child and I was scared that someone was going to hurt/killed me etc. Its because the less structure/schedule/committed I am, the less safe my child part feels. The less protected my child part feels, which leads to intense fear.

Many times in the past I've tried to pacify my fear with porn/phone sex/masturbation. This time i will have to deal with the feelings differently. I will ahve to except them and cope with them and not run away from them.

Yes I'm currently working on it with a therapist, and am trying very hard to work on myself

i wanna get over this wrote on 13 Mar 2022 07:16:

Wow!! That’s Amazing! Going for help is a sign of strength! May Hashem help you in everything! Keep it up!!! 

I'm now entering a new stage in my journey. While most people have a harder time at home then in yeshiva, I have a way harder time at home then in yeshiva. At home I feel like poop. I feel like life is a waste of time and I feel so empty and useless. 

A part of me feels like it MUST see porn if I have the option to escape my ichy feelings. Yesterday I bought a new phone and before I got it filtered I screwed up. Felt Terrible. Im skeptical to reach out. I literally have 0 access to internet or porn. So there's not many more gedarim I can take to distance myself.  

​Its frustrating. The best thing I can do is work on my feelings to feel like life's not a waste of time and to feel like I'm not a waste of time.

I am sorry for your frustration. I think that your last paragraph is a fantastic idea.
If you would  be talking to me I would ask you what is one small thing that you can change about your daily routine that would make you feel slightly better. I would then be diligent in making that one change and focusing on it. Often times it is just one little step in the right direction that I can turn things around in a big way.

So i finnally got eveyday accsses to GYE. I previously only had it on computer. Now i have it on my phone. Thier was a tecnical difficulty. Bh im back to 7 days and learning on the job.

I think i may get a partner to call when im feeling weak. Im still hesitant and nervous i will get somwone who will be judgy and offer advice and shittos

Keep it up! You can do this! Makes a lot of sense to be nervous