Wow! Such clarity and depth! 
May HKBH help us all tap in to the deepest truest parts of ourselves and learn to see what real living is about!! 

Admiringly, 
Chaim Oigen

my dear good friend Hachasan Smokey! 
i am just seeing this now
- thanks for the chats
Rooting 4 u

I just got stuck online in my room after i had a great day and i masturbated to looking at romance scenes from a movie, practically porn, im pretty frustrated

its ok ill get through this

its crazy how much power our hormones have to influence us

its normal
you're a chosson
just keep on going!
rooting 4 u 

@Parev Thanks for the support I appreciate it and I feel your love from 6,000 miles away!

I feel so guilty because I wasted and abused precious hormones and energy which is supposed to be channeled for someone special in my life bez'h soon, down the drain just because of my lust and desires, it also feeds into and builds up the warped mindset that we see in the world that intimacy is to gratify and pleasure our desires instead of using it on such a deep and profound level to connect and enhance a relationship.

Baruch Hashem I'm doing ok, and even though in my last post I wrote that what I watched is like porn, (romance scenes in a movie) I don't think it's true and I should be less hard on myself, NOT that it's OK AT ALL but it's less intense and warped my brain on a lower level

I also have to congratulate myself even though I fell twice in the past 2 weeks after 4 months of being clean i did not call Hotlines once which was a huge challenge for me in the past, good work smokey!


But I'm really struggling it's so hard to balance my desires, our hormones are so powerful and as a vulnerable male I'm craving so much connection even in a non physical way and yes on a physical way too.

What the hell do I do with all this until I'm married and really even after I'm married on some level


My question is, what's the root of sexual desire? Is it more physical or spiritual

meaning will working out in the gym for 2 hours let out my sexual energy, or what about having a deep and meaningful conversation with a friend, will that let it out 
And what about masturbating, I don't think anyone will feel good after but can it let out my desires on some level is that even tapping into a release of ones sexual energy?I know the gemara says the more one feeds it the more it builds up your desire, my question is what changes in marriage, are you feeding into your desires by using it in a healthy way?
I need data and guidance, I want to know how this system works. No body ever taught this to me and I'm really struggling to grasp how to manage this at this point in my life -(I know that having a productive schedule, with proper exercise and sleep helps a ton my question is what's the science behind this)

Best regards,

Smokey

Smokey, you're amazing! I love your positive attitude and the way you congratulate yourself!
And you have some great questions. 
שאילת חכם - חצי תשובה
In your questions you're already hinting to the answers.

The following is the way I understand it:

Q. Is sexual desire physical or spiritual?
A. There are both elements to it. There are natural, physical urges that come and go. There's also an emotional, spiritual crave to connect.
Compare it to eating, you get a physical natural urge called "hunger". But if it was only about that natural urge then it would be OK to just have bread and water every day 3x a day, just like cows eat grass their entire life and I've never heard them complain about it. But no, us humans crave something delicious, something special, often even when we're not hungry, because our Neshomo craves that comfort and enjoyment. Same thing re sex. Our Neshomo wants to connect deeply.

Q. How does physical excersise at the gym effect sexual desires?
A. It helps for both parts, physical and emotional: Through excersising our body becomes physically tired, worn, exhausted and it reduces the natural urges. Besides for that it also creates a chemical called endorphin which boosts your mood and helps you to feel happy and energized. It supplements your other emotional needs.

Q. How can I cope with these desires until I'm married?
A. Believe it or not, the struggles do not get much easier after you're married! Marriage helps somewhat, but only if the purpose of marriage is to connect emotionally and to create a deep loving connection, not if it is to satisfy the natural urges or to feed any selfish fantasies.
In marriage there are almost 2 weeks every month when there is no sex. And after birth anywhere between 2-4 months! And if there are spotting issues? It can be over half a year! (All which happened to me!) From my personal experience, I had more falls during the Muttar days then during the Assur days!! Because when sex is tabu then you kind of manage to switch off and just ignore the urges. You can still connect on an emotional level but it's quite limited. But when you are allowed to have sex then you're mind is busy with sexual thoughts. Your urges become stronger. You may be disappointed with your wife for not making herself available or for not doing it the way you wish. It's a time when there can be big triggers.
Therefore it's crucial to find alternative ways to connect. Not fake ones. Real ones. Connect to friends. Connect to Hashem through Torah & Tefillah. These are real connections that are very much needed, also for married men.

Q. Does משביעו רעב מרעיבו שבע apply to married people?
A. Yes of course. A lot of sex will make your body need it more. However, if sex is done in the correct manner and only for the purpose of real connection, it won't effect you as much.

Q. Does masturbation release one's sexual energy?
A. Physical urge yes! (For a few minutes). Emotional need - No!

Again, this is the way I see it, I hope I've helped you somewhat... I know you wanted more of a scientifically based answer but truth is that not everything the scientists say is so accurate either...

Wishing you tons of Hatzlacha with all the preps!!

Stay strong,
UpAndDown

upanddown wrote on 16 Jan 2025 23:41:

This is gold!!! 

upanddown wrote on 16 Jan 2025 23:41:

@UpAndDownWow!!
Thank you so much I appreciate your compliment, and your response was written with so much love and clarity
Thank you for taking the time to genuinely and honestly answer all my questions, I felt so validated and I gained a lot of insight

I will definitely try to use this to help me be the best version of myself and keep fighting this battle


Much love and hatzlacha!

Smokey

Hey there, I'm posting here for accountability.

I spent the last 4 hours shopping and reading news online way to much time and now I'm feeling unproductive and a bit triggered 
I shut off my laptop and now I the best thing for me would be to get back into a healthy mindset and work out but I'm so not motivated to
I'd way rather pound cookies which is terrible for blood sugar as a diabetic
Looking for support
Smokey

I'm so freaking frustrated

I hate life

I hate pushing myself to work out but needing to do it because it's so crucial for me

I hate having diabetes and having to watch what I eat and having to suffer the consequences when I eat to much sugar

I hate being addicted to technology and having to work so freaking hard to balance having it and distancing it because I need it to

I hate the fact that I need to be productive especially when it's so hard for me and that's it so hard for me to create my own schedule


I hate the fact that sexual desires are a huge part of my life and I can't even talk to my kallah about it

I hate the fact that life keeps on being a challenge and a struggle no matter how much hard work I put in

Im feeling frustrated angry and resentful with zero motivation to put in work now

The only thing I'm happy about is that even though I'm so frustrated I didn't act out and I'm not going to bezh because even though I'm feeling down it's so clear to me where it's coming from and that a 30 second dopamine rush will do zero to uplift the current frustration in my life


I guess im happy that I was to get to such a place in my life Baruch Hashem.

I just want to say even though I'm married I'm still with the klal!
Just want to say, every minute you put in to promoting kedusha in your life when your single will be paid back tremendously through such a high level and healthy marriage bezh!
The challenge is not over, but it will get way easier if sexual desire is not used an escape for uncomfortable emotions

keep up the great work!

smokey

Long time no see, welcome back!

Smokey, I just went thru your thread I was literally crying watching your life in a snapshot your ups and downs, getting engaged, and finally married on such a high level of Kedusha.

I'm honestly a drop jealous that I wasn't Zoche to get clean before i got married. But that's neither here nor there.

Also you gave me tremendous Chizuk by your clarity of mind even when an urge is hitting.

Mazel Tov, May you build a Bayis of Simcha, Ahava, Torah, and Kedusha!!!

It’s so good to hear from you. I used to follow your thread with your ups and downs. It’s great to see that you are happily married and no longer frustrated. Hopefully you’ll keep us updated